I Don’t Believe In Soul Mates

I have a confession to make — I don’t believe in soul
mates. I know, I know. How cliché. A gal who writes about dating and who lives
in New York who doesn’t believe in soul mates. How shocking.

But really, I don’t.

I think I once did when I was younger. But I also used to
sport a flannel with an ESPRIT shirt under it. So clearly I’ve had some moments
where I was wrong about stuff.

So let me explain my reasoning here.

What happens if this so-called soul mate dies soon after you
meet them? Maybe that’s a little morbid, but let’s all take a moment to be
realistic here. Sure we all believe we will live to be whatever age seems
really old, but things happen. Buses. Diseases. Wrong place, wrong time.  So what happens when you meet Mr. Soulmate at
the age of 25 and he dies 10 years later? It seems strange to me that you would
go on living your life completely closed to the idea of meeting anyone because
you already met your soul mate and he tragically left you too soon. Sure, you might
not rush out to find someone new, but I think it’s weird to say you would never
date ever again.

Also, don’t you think that creates a whole lot of pressure
for this other person (and for you)? I mean, sure you probably aren’t going to
tell them an hour after you’ve met them (unless you’ve got your crazy pants
on). But even if you wait years, it’s still a lot of pressure to know that you
think this other person is the one and only human being you’re destined to be
with. It gives them a whole lot of something to live up to. And what happens if
things go sour? What happens if you both don’t want the same things?

Finally, how and when do you figure out that kind of thing? Obviously
I believe that you know when you love someone and when you want to spend your
life with them. But some people say I love you and have many serious
relationships before settling in with the person they marry. So how do you
differentiate? Or do you just think each person is your soul mate until you
meet your actual soul mate? I find it all very confusing.

Don’t get me wrong, I think there are situations you’re
supposed to experience and people who you’re supposed to meet. But I guess this
whole idea that there is one person
that we are predestined to be with is just a little too heavy for me (and a
little too Nicholas Sparks).

I promise I’m not being cynical at all here – couldn’t be
farther from the truth. Obviously I truly believe in love and romance. I also
believe that you can (and) will find a person that you want to spend your life
with. You’ll probably be crazy in love with them. But that’s a key thing here –
I think you find the person you want
to spend your life with and you make it work. It’s more of a conscious
decision. Not something that was written in the stars before you were born.

3 comments on “I Don’t Believe In Soul Mates

  1. From Patterns, by Amy Lowell

    In Summer and in Winter I shall walk
    Up and down
    The patterned garden-paths
    In my stiff, brocaded gown.
    The squills and daffodils
    Will give place to pillared roses, and to asters, and to snow.
    I shall go
    Up and down,
    In my gown.
    Gorgeously arrayed,
    Boned and stayed.
    And the softness of my body will be guarded from embrace
    By each button, hook, and lace.
    For the man who should loose me is dead….

  2. Oddly enough, I was just debating with an online friend whose tagline is "True love is found but once in a life time". I don’t think that’s necessarily the case – we live to our 70-80s on average, and people sometimes do change in a relationship. What once felt like "true love" can dissipate over time when both lovers fail to tend the garden, so to speak. True love is that determination to make things work, paying attention to the boring details of life, while taking the effort to not lose the passion and excitement of romance. I can envision scenarios besides sudden tragic loss where "true love" fades. I’m looking for a link to Trish Murphy’s "Love Never Dies (It Just Gives Up)", but there’s no YouTube for it yet.

  3. Pop culture has hoodwinked us into thinking we have only one Soul Mate, but that’s probably because there is so much confusion surrounding Soul Mates and Soul Twins. Though we have only one Soul Twin, we have many, many Soul Mates and can enjoy rich, satisfying, conscious relationships with any of them. Thank goodness! Once the difference between the Soul Mates and Soul Twins is sorted out, the whole thing becomes much easier.

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