His Level of Interest in Me

I wrote a post the other day about how sometimes I find it a little confusing to tell if a guy likes me. I haven’t posted it yet and I am not sure I will because as I was reading it over I realized that there was a reoccurring theme in the post – it was all about if a guy likes me. And, honestly, for a moment I kind of felt a little sad and pathetic. I mean, why is it that I am focusing so much on a guy’s level of interest in me?

Ok, first let’s get this out of the way. When I first meet a guy I am easily confused. Even though I am really good at writing about dating and awesome at telling when a guy likes someone else, I have a hard time when it’s all happening to me. I over analyze, I wonder, I have self-doubt and so on. Most of that isn’t that big of a deal and I think it’s perfectly normal to feel that way.

But, what I realized is that all too often, I worry about if a guy likes me so I can know how I should react to him. It’s almost like I am waiting for them to decide how they feel about me so I can decide if I should be interested in them. And that’s so not the kind of gal I want to be. I mean, what about my interest in them? Why am I not focusing on that?

Take a guy I met a couple of months ago. We went out a couple of times before I went to visit my family. I knew I liked him but I started to become a little unsure about him. But, it seemed like the main reason I was unsure about him was because I didn’t think he was that interested in me. I wasn’t basing it on how we clicked or if I liked him but just his level of interested in me.

Now, I know this situation doesn’t sound that alarming because it’s pretty easy to like someone but then find out they have no interest in you so then you move on. It’s not really that you don’t like them, it’s just that they don’t like you so you move on.

But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that sometimes I try to give a guy a chance because they are interested in me. A month or so ago I met this guy. We totally clicked personality wise but I was not attracted to him at all. I mean it was a case where I knew immediately but because he was interested in me I thought I’d go out with him again and see.

And, trust me, as I write that I am totally scolding myself because I know if we had went out again it wouldn’t have been fair to him at all.

We all want someone to be interested in us. It’s flattering. It gives us the warm fuzzies. And that’s all nice. But it’s not nice to base your level of interest on how much a person wants you. Actually, I would argue that kind of thing doesn’t really even create the warm fuzzies.

I think it’s important to be aware of a person’s level of interest in you but not to be so focused on it that you forget about everything else. And maybe that’s part of what makes that whole idea that you’ll just know true (and such a thrilling idea). After all, if you know then you don’t have to put so much energy into trying to figure it out. 

On Open Letter to Guys on OkCupid Locals

If you’re on OkCupid, you have probably at least heard something about their locals app. For those that haven’t, it’s an app you can use to see which users are near where you are and then meet up with them. Now, I can openly admit that I was a little hesitant to use the it at first. I am not sure why. But, eventually I caved and I have to say that I owe some of my best nights to that app.

However, as much as I say that I like the app I find that I get pretty annoyed with it as well. It’s not the app itself, it’s just that some of you gentleman are doing it all wrong. So, I am going to help you out a little.

Being on OkCupid locals does not make me your fuck buddy.

OK, I get that a lot of people think the app makes it a little easier to hook up on the internet. I am not saying that I condone this idea but I am also not saying that I am against it. But, that does not give you the right to message me at 3am and ask if I’d like to come over to your place when we’ve never even met face to face.

It’s also probably not the best idea to send me a message asking if I’m still DTF when we’ve never met face to face. We all know I am not a fan of that whole thing. And, if I call you out on it, don’t say you accidentally typed DTF and meant to type something else. There is no autocorrect in the world that will accidentally correct something to DTF. Sorry.

If you’re on OkCupid locals, be willing (and prepared) to meet.

I have actually found that guys on locals drag their feet more about meeting than guys on the regular site. Did you not understand what the point was when you started using the app? And, if you were merely just curious, how did you not understand the point when you actually started using the app?

Now, let me just say that I get that you’re probably sending messages to a few gals on there and maybe you end up finding one who is interesting so then you kind of forget about the others. I have no issue with this. The issue is the guys who contact me to meet but then want to chat for hours or suddenly start to have a list of excuses once the plan for meeting starts -- it’s too far, I have to shower, you’re with your friends, it’s too late and so on. If you’re not up for meeting, get off of an app that’s made to make it easier to help you meet people. That’s a pretty simple concept.

Don’t ask for my number and then start texting me to flirt with you (or ask for more pictures).

First, I am not sending you a picture of my boobs so just get over it. If you’d like to see my boobs then meet me in person and perhaps that might happen for you at some point. Second of all, I have no desire to sext with some dude that I have never met in person. They make all kinds of sites for that kind of thing. Go use them. Third, if I gave you my number it’s because it’s easier to make a plan to meet. Like I said, that’s the point of locals. It’s not so we can chat for the next four hours.  

Speaking of chatting, leave the words “let’s chat” or anything related to chatting or talking out of your broadcast.

If you’re hanging out within a few block radius of me, why would I want to chat with you? Enough said.

If you’re on OkCupid locals please don’t talk about how bored you are.

We all get that maybe you’re on the app to put a little spice in your day/night. But saying you are bored on your broadcast is the equivalent to dudes who say they don’t really do online dating but decided to give it a try because a friend told them to. Translation? It’s not something you need to state. Ever.

It’s locals, not Facebook (though there are certain things you shouldn’t post on their either).

We all know how I feel about a certain kinds of Facebook posts. But really, locals isn’t Facebook (or Twitter or Foursquare). I mean, it’s really awesome if you are going to a cool show or whatever but you don’t really need to update your broadcast 20 times a day about every little thing you’re doing -- especially when those things make you too busy to actually meet someone off the app.

Have you used the locals app? What would you add to the list?

Questions I Hate: What Do You Do For Fun?

It’s no secret that I feel like I’ve been dating for 100 years. Through all those years of dating I’ve obviously had a number of first encounters with guys. You know, online, speed dating, first dates, etc. And, with all of those first encounters come a lot of questions in order to get to know each other. Some of those questions are fantastic and even though I get asked them often, it makes sense to answer them. But, there are a few that I get asked far too often and that I wish the dating gods would just retire.

One of them, actually inspired my very first post as a blogger (when it didn’t use to annoy me as much). But there is another that’s been creeping up on me lately – what do you do for fun?

Now, I can openly admit that a lot of people are probably thinking what the hell Jess? I mean, are you really going to throw a fit about something as little as that? Doesn’t it actually show that a guy is interested in you?

And, I can admit those reactions are valid. After all, the question does seem harmless. I think I should be clear here that I have no problems with the concept itself. I mean, if you’re going to get to know a person then you should probably want to know the kinds of things they enjoy doing, right? But that’s kind of the thing here. There’s really no need for the actual question “what do you do for fun?”. And here’s why:

People will tell you who they are if you just listen.

You’ll learn the things people like by getting to know them. Walk around the city or even just listening to their conversation. When they say things like “last week I went to this concert” or “that is one of my favorite restaurants” then you will start to learn what they do for fun.

It’s really hard to actually list all the things you do for fun

Honestly, I just find it hard to list things I like. It’s hard for me with anything – movies, music, books, you name it. So much of what I like depends on my mood. On any given weekend you’re likely to find me watching Parking Wars, writing, or drinking at my local watering hole. Now, that doesn’t mean these are the only things that I like to do or that I am not open to doing other things, it’s just that I tend to be a creature of habit and those are the things I do most often.

Do I like other things like museums, the park, an occasional movie or the theater, antique stores and street fairs? Absolutely.  Am I open to suggestions and trying new things? You bet. But, the last time I went to a museum was when I first moved to New York City last summer. It’s been months since I’ve seen a movie and even longer since I’ve done the theater or a street fair.  So, it seems a little weird to not include them in my list but it can appear sketchy to group them with the things I do most often.

People aren’t always self-aware.

It’s not that people necessarily lie about themselves, but it’s more that they just aren’t aware of how much they really like to do (or not do) something. It’s also really easy to hear something someone else likes and think you could like that too so you say you like it too. And, of course, it’s easy to want to agree with someone just so they’ll like you.  Again, this is why it’s better to see what a person likes for yourself.

Side note: I can’t totally take credit for this because it was brought to my attention by one of my Facebook friends, Karin Anderson. You might remember her from a blog post a I wrote a while back about her book It Just Hasn’t Happened Yet.

How Not To Get a Woman to Have Sex with You

I swear, sometimes I think the dating gods hate me….

A few weeks ago I went on a date with a guy – we’ll call him Marathon. I had a genuinely good time on our date and figured if nothing else we would end up being friends because our personalities just seem to click.

So, a few days later, I invited him to a loft party. I can’t really say that I was asking him as a date, I just thought he might want to go and like I said, friends. He never responded but the following day he sent me a text. We chatted for a while when he confessed that even though he thought I was really cool, he just wasn’t attracted to me.

Now, honestly, I was pretty OK with that because that whole attraction thing isn’t really a big deal to me. I mean, you can’t help who you’re attracted to. There are plenty of fabuously good looking guys that I am just not attracted to. It happens and to be perfectly honest, I wasn’t sure how attracted I was to him either.

We agreed to be friend and, last Wednesday, Marathon and I were chatting via text. You know, like friends do. He made another confession. This time he told me that I am the only gal he’s met off of OkCupid who he would consider dating. He just felt that emotionally and personality wise I am there. But, he’s intimidated by me because I am bigger than him.

Now, first things first, as a gal who is 5’10, I am no stranger to being bigger than guys I date. The last guy I went on multiple dates with was something like 5’6 so obviously it’s not a big deal to me. But I also know that other people feel differently about it and that’s OK.

However, I don’t recall being that much bigger than Marathon. And, as I later found out, it wasn’t the height thing that bothered him. Apparently he feels that he’s a fit guy and being with a gal who is thick, plus-size, big, not skinny (whatever you want to call it) would cause him to inherit some really unhealthy lifestyle habits. Because you know, all that gals like me apparently do is sit around on our couches and eat. And, a guy who I haven’t spent any real time with knows a whole lot about my lifestyle. Who knew?  Needless to say, by the end of the conversation I felt like the ugliest, beastliest looking woman on the planet.

He immediately started to apologize and it seemed like maybe it was an open mouth insert foot kind of thing so I decided to forgive him.

Then, on Friday, we were texting  again. He asked if I was going out, I mentioned how I hadn’t made my way to the shower which in turn, made him comment about fantasizing about me. Yes, that’s right – the dude who is not attracted to me, who thinks I am all beastly and intimidating is now fantasizing about me…naked. And he was enjoying it.

So, being the rather bold and straight forward gal that I am, I called him out on it. According to him, I have such a cool personality and he wants to know what it’s like to have sex with a gal who is bigger than him so he decided he’d like to hook up with me.

Gee thanks for letting me be your token fat girl. Maybe you can go hang out with the other guy who called me fat and said if it wasn’t for guys like him I’d never get laid. You guys seem like you’d have a lot in common.

The sad part is, that’s not even the worst of it. He then told me if he had sex with me, I would probably make his penis look small.

Now, I have been teased for being chubby and called names or whatever.  In high school, I can remember a guy showing me his bumper sticker that read no fat chicks, car will scrape. But never in my life have I ever had my size be responsible for making someone’s penis look smaller. Seriously. Never.

I think it’s safe to say my desire to be friends with Marathon is completely gone. But hey, it works for both of us. I mean, I don’t want a friend who thinks I’m fat and he probably doesn’t want a friend who makes his penis look small. It’s a win win.

Sex Can Change Everything

Remember Red, my former friends with benefits, who randomly decided to come back into my life a couple of months ago? Well, I am happy to report that it didn’t end up being what I was afraid of – a guy who just wanted to cheat on his wife. But, the more we talk, the more I am realizing that our friendship has forever changed.  

We’ve had a lot of conversations and we both agreed that we genuinely want to be friends. We also agreed that it’s nice being in each other’s lives again and we don’t want to do anything stupid to compromise that.

However, there is just one little piece of all of this that kind of worries me. Actually, let’s be honest here – it’s a pretty big piece and it worries me a whole lot. His wife has no idea that we are friends again.

And, trust me, I am well aware of how wrong and dirty that sounds. But, honestly, we aren’t doing anything wrong. That is, we are just friends again. I mean, there isn’t anything physical or sexual going on between us. We aren’t plotting to sleep together or run away together. It’s just friends.

But, even though our friendship is harmless now, Red’s wife knows about our past. She knows who I am and what happened between us. So while part of me thinks what’s the big deal the other part of me knows it’s obviously a little hard to say “hey honey, remember that chick that I used to hook up with all the time? Well, I Googled her, emailed her, and now we’ve decided to become friends again. Cool?” And as much as I want to believe in understanding and acceptance, I am sane enough to know that no person in their right mind is going to be OK with that.

So now I wonder. Is it truly possible to be friends with someone when your friendship is a secret? I mean the thought that we could be in the same city but not be able to meet for drinks or dinner. The thought that we could pass each other on the street and could possibly pretend to be strangers. All of that is a little heartbreaking to me and I don’t think that’s what friendships are about. I promised myself after Mr. BST that I wouldn’t have relationships in secret. 

And, there’s an even bigger thought. If he can’t tell his wife that we’re friends, that makes what we are doing wrong. After all, omission is betrayal. I don’t believe that husbands and wives have to tell each other every minute detail, but I do believe this detail is a little too big to leave out.

So, even though we genuinely want to be friends again, there is this huge thing hanging over all that and frankly, it sucks because I really missed having him in my life. And I never thought that we’d end up like this. Actually I never really thought about how we would end up at all.

I’m not going to say that I regret anything that I did with Red. I don’t. I don’t really even believe in regrets. But I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a tiny part of me that wonders what it would be like if we had never started hooking up in the first place.

Sex can really change a relationship. I am not going to sit here and say that sex always ruins relationships. I know friends who have had sex and they have come out on the other side as even better friends. So I know it doesn’t always happen. It’s just it did for me.

And I don’t think we will make it to the other side.