Keep Your Crazy In Check

You know that moment where you meet someone really great and start to realize that you like them. Then, the fear creeps in and you start to get afraid they don’t like you back. And then comes the madness.

We’ve all been there and it makes sense why this happens -- we want to be liked (especially by someone who we like). And it’s only natural that once all the liking starts, we start to get afraid so we want to look for reassurance. We want the fear to go away.

So what do you do?

Well, lots of people turn to Google or magazines and try to find the latest article that tells the 10 sure fire signs he’s into you. Others do things like posting his text messages on a website for others to analyze. And some just freak out on him for something really stupid all because you were looking for clues and signs that he liked you.

This is what I like to call the crazy. And I think all the Googling, reading articles, and letting others over analyze for you just makes the crazy that much worse.

Seriously. Think about it. You’re trying to be rational about things, but then you read an article or someone’s comment. And it tells you the opposite of what you want to hear. That makes the fear even stronger and the crazy even stronger too.

It’s exhausting and it’s madness.  So what should you really do?

Well, first, keep the crazy in check. Realize that it’s normal to have this fear, but letting it turn you into a mad woman (or man) isn’t normal and it’s not OK. Second, take a deep breath and just give things a little while to see how it all works out.

Really. I know that's not fun and frankly it sucks, but news flash --  there really are no sure fire ways to tell what a person feels about anything, much less how they feel about you after a first date (or a second date or a third date and so on). You don’t need to act like a crazy person to figure any of that out. That’s all part of getting to know them. And it’s all a part of dating.

The fact of the matter is, if a guy (or gal) likes you he (or she) will call you. You will go out again. You’ll meet each other’s friends. You’ll be something. And all of this will happen in time. So just give it them time to make it happen.

And I am not saying that you should wait around for him to call. This isn't that kind of post and we all know that I believe if you're interested, you should go right ahead and show it. I am just saying stop driving yourself crazy looking for all these signs. If you’re too busy trying to dissect every second of the date, you’re probably missing out on what’s actually happening between the two of you. Pay attention to what's really happening and give it a little time to see how it all works out.

I’ve said it once and I will say it again (and I actually founded a whole website on the idea) -- there is no formula for dating. Sometimes it’s a+b=c but sometimes it’s a+b=g or p or 2. Sometimes you have to add in another letter or carry a number. Stop trying to look for the formula and all the answers. Instead look around at what’s actually happening. You just might find what you’re looking for.

How Not To Get a Woman to Have Sex with You

I swear, sometimes I think the dating gods hate me….

A few weeks ago I went on a date with a guy – we’ll call him Marathon. I had a genuinely good time on our date and figured if nothing else we would end up being friends because our personalities just seem to click.

So, a few days later, I invited him to a loft party. I can’t really say that I was asking him as a date, I just thought he might want to go and like I said, friends. He never responded but the following day he sent me a text. We chatted for a while when he confessed that even though he thought I was really cool, he just wasn’t attracted to me.

Now, honestly, I was pretty OK with that because that whole attraction thing isn’t really a big deal to me. I mean, you can’t help who you’re attracted to. There are plenty of fabuously good looking guys that I am just not attracted to. It happens and to be perfectly honest, I wasn’t sure how attracted I was to him either.

We agreed to be friend and, last Wednesday, Marathon and I were chatting via text. You know, like friends do. He made another confession. This time he told me that I am the only gal he’s met off of OkCupid who he would consider dating. He just felt that emotionally and personality wise I am there. But, he’s intimidated by me because I am bigger than him.

Now, first things first, as a gal who is 5’10, I am no stranger to being bigger than guys I date. The last guy I went on multiple dates with was something like 5’6 so obviously it’s not a big deal to me. But I also know that other people feel differently about it and that’s OK.

However, I don’t recall being that much bigger than Marathon. And, as I later found out, it wasn’t the height thing that bothered him. Apparently he feels that he’s a fit guy and being with a gal who is thick, plus-size, big, not skinny (whatever you want to call it) would cause him to inherit some really unhealthy lifestyle habits. Because you know, all that gals like me apparently do is sit around on our couches and eat. And, a guy who I haven’t spent any real time with knows a whole lot about my lifestyle. Who knew?  Needless to say, by the end of the conversation I felt like the ugliest, beastliest looking woman on the planet.

However, I don’t recall being that much bigger than Marathon. And, as I later found out, it wasn’t the height thing that bothered him. Apparently he feels that he’s a fit guy and being with a gal who is thick, plus-size, big, not skinny (whatever you want to call it) would cause him to inherit some really unhealthy lifestyle habits. Because you know, all that gals like me apparently do is sit around on our couches and eat. And, a guy who I haven’t spent any real time with knows a whole lot about my lifestyle. Who knew?  Needless to say, by the end of the conversation I felt like the ugliest, beastliest looking woman on the planet.

He immediately started to apologize and it seemed like maybe it was an open mouth insert foot kind of thing so I decided to forgive him.

Then, on Friday, we were texting  again. He asked if I was going out, I mentioned how I hadn’t made my way to the shower which in turn, made him comment about fantasizing about me. Yes, that’s right – the dude who is not attracted to me, who thinks I am all beastly and intimidating is now fantasizing about me…naked. And he was enjoying it.

So, being the rather bold and straight forward gal that I am, I called him out on it. According to him, I have such a cool personality and he wants to know what it’s like to have sex with a gal who is bigger than him so he decided he’d like to hook up with me.

Gee thanks for letting me be your token fat girl. Maybe you can go hang out with the other guy who called me fat and said if it wasn’t for guys like him I’d never get laid. You guys seem like you’d have a lot in common.

The sad part is, that’s not even the worst of it. He then told me if he had sex with me, I would probably make his penis look small.

Now, I have been teased for being chubby and called names or whatever.  In high school, I can remember a guy showing me his bumper sticker that read no fat chicks, car will scrape. But never in my life have I ever had my size be responsible for making someone’s penis look smaller. Seriously. Never.

I think it’s safe to say my desire to be friends with Marathon is completely gone. But hey, it works for both of us. I mean, I don’t want a friend who thinks I’m fat and he probably doesn’t want a friend who makes his penis look small. It’s a win win.

Sure I Might Get A Lot of Messages

I have quite a few single guy friends and, since I am a gal who dates online, we occasionally compare notes. For the most part, it’s super interesting to get their perspective on things. I love hearing about all the things that women do on dating sites. And, It lets me know that the crazies come in all shapes and sizes (and sex).

However, there is one common theme amongst men that I would like to put on blast. There seems to be this idea that because I am a woman, internet dating is purely effortless for me. I just sit back and let all these magnificent guys pile up in my inbox. It’s kind of like that idea that sex is so much easier for women to get but that’s a whole other post.

Now, I am not going to argue the fact that I get a lot of messages and interest. I do, I really do. And I don’t say that to brag, it’s just if I am going to blast something I feel that I have to be honest about how things truly are.

Here’s the thing though… half of those messages (actually more than half) aren’t really worth a damn. So, yeah I might get a lot of messages but if those messages aren’t guys who I want to respond to, can you really say internet dating is so much easier for me?

And, I am not choosing to ignore these guys based on silly superficial things. To illustrate, here are a few of the guys who have come my way in the past couple of weeks:

I received a message on Chemistry saying a guy was interested in me. His profile had a picture of him from 2007 (it literally had the date on the picture) and the other pictures looked like the early 90s. Oh and the picture from 2007 kind of looked like he was saying vows to someone.

Another guy sent me a message on OkCupid. This was the beginning of his profile:(Coincidentally this is the second time I have had an online run in with this guy)

I am extremely fond of BBW’s. I think they are the most genuine of all females–the way they carry themselves, the slight jiggle of their breasts, their sensuousness and that look I get when I see them out and about.

Then there was a guy, on Chemistry, who sent me the “hey how’s it going” variety of email. This is the exact description he had in his profile:

i am a jon man,extrovert, romantic, with good sense of humor, lovely, tender, ,loyal , with beginnings , sympatic ,charmir, hadson , generous humanitarian .
I am looking my twin soul a nice girl ,good girl ,friendly kind afeectionate tender, loyal, good sense of humor, sexy,pretty, beauty , elegant, hot sensual ,beauty in all sense , with beginnings , generous, that not to have fear of love and to be love , good lover ,exotic,passionate , and beauty soul

Then there was this message. It seemed somewhat normal but it just screams “I copy and pasted this email to every female I thought was somewhat attractive":

Hi Am ****,

I haven't contacted many people here, because I wanted to take things slowly - but that changed when I saw your profile. You have such an irresistible personality, I can't wait to find out what you're like in person. Calm me down with a friendly email!

I am only making use of the free weekend so please email me directly at *****@yahoo.com and i will be looking forward to hear from you


Best wishes
****

And, how about this message:

Hello My real name is***ve Blank. Please add me on ***chat. My email is******hoo.com. I love you and am really interested to date you. You are the only lady that makes me feel joy and things i cant explain anytime i look at your pictures. I really want to meet you in future. Write me on my personal email address at anytime. Email:******hoo.com

Then I received this message on OkCupid. I really didn’t understand half of it:

OK I am cpa attorney and your drama free :::: it has to work - if we keep it real ok? you know I am real but I sent this to you 10 times???
You are very beautiful, Outgoing, Passionate, Fun Loving, Honest,
Trustworthy , Intelligent and Adorable lady that will love me for me,
I'll take good care of you .... and hopefully you will do the same in
return.. i have a lot of love to give I want a real
relationship. I like the kindness and tenderness in a lady whenever she hurts i will be hurt.(but she will be never hurt when i am around. i want a lady i
could call my own... what I seek for is total happiness for you..I
like a decent and fair person.In a relationship understanding does
matter a lot and to have a good relationship, a good foundation
matters a lot. I want someone that is very honest and very straight
forward and share her feelings
with me as my lady. Hope you day is going great? What are you hiding?
We have to talk right?
I am president of the 5 million dollar plus Rotary Club (LI). Big
party on coming up. (you and me but you did not give me your
number???).
I hope you feel fine.
4 out of my 10 building is in Queens (I live there also). This is a
lot of typing. (I am new at this).
I come out of my limo at 7 pm so that is good time call please 718 --- ----
Hope to hear from you

And, let’s not forget the dude who mentioned something about naughty beer (like I am supposed to know what that is). His profile listed his body type as “jacked” but it was a little hard to tell since all of his pictures were sideways.

So, yeah, I can’t deny that I receive messages. But, if these are the kind of messages that make it so “easy” you are more than welcome to them.

How Not To Handle Rejection

I decided to meet a guy from OkCupid for a drink on Friday night. I wasn't really sure about him because he came across as one of those "I'm the man" kind of guys and I tend to not mesh very well with that sort of thing (and they don’t mesh with me). But, like any good online dater, I decided to give it a try. I mean, what harm could one drink do?

The date itself wasn’t bad at all. I figured out an hour or so in that I didn’t feel any physical attraction. It kind of seemed like he thought the same and we were having fun so I didn’t see the sense in suddenly ending the date.

We had a few drinks and he walked me home. After fending off his multiple attempts to kiss me, I realized there was some kind of attraction on his side of things. We went our separate ways but he was actually house sitting a few doors down from me. When I left my place the next morning I ran into him. He told me again how much fun he had with me and asked what I was doing later. I said I wasn’t sure so he said he’d text later.

Honestly, I figured we could maybe hang out again as friends again. Like I said, we seemed to get along and he seemed cool. And, yes, I planned on telling him that I wasn't into anything physical with him.

Later on, he sent me a text and it started one hell of string of texts. I mean, seriously, I still kind of can’t believe the conversation that happened. And, rather than just quoting bits of the conversation, I decided to put the whole thing in this post because, trust me, it’s necessary. I am sorry it's so long but, bits and pieces just wouldn’t do it justice. I promise I didn't alter the conversation at all (except blocking out his number). The blue is me and the yellow is him.

What I taste like. Am I the only one who gets a little grossed out when guys make comments like this? Especially when I've known the guy for less than 24 hours. 

Because, you know apparently there is a sign that reads “I fool around with lots of dudes” on my forehead. Thanks, really.

Then, he called me. I didn’t answer.

Yeah, I know, not my finest moment with the comment about being cool. However, I don't think it warranted the following comment.  Also, way to be all kinds of poetic and stuff, but it’s kismet. I have no idea what kizmit is.

If you are going to take the time to actually text quotes about something I said, at least get it right. I never said anything about having sex with too many dudes. But maybe he was too busy thinking about how much he wanted to go down on me. 

Oh wow. Way to pull out the big guns there. Pretty sure I don’t recall your ass calling me fat when you thought you had a chance. You just happened to save that for after I said I wasn’t interested. Funny how that works when you don’t care at all about being rejected. And, I never said anything about how well I do anything with a guy but thanks for asssuming I am good at it. Really, I am flattered.

Also, chic is a word for being fashionable. Chick is a word for woman. 

Ok now this is just too much. I assume those came to me in the opposite order. I also assume some chick was talking about what a stallion he is (but really, who in the world says stuff like that?). So, I had to ask... 

So, you are throwing a fat chick a bone. Funny because I thought about sleeping with you just to see what it's like to be with a short dude (he's only 5'5). I guess we have something in common. Amazing. But, I never really said you were desperate and I didn't insult your manhood or abilities. All of this from the dude who doesn't care about rejection. Here's a newsflash, you could be the most amazing person in bed ever but the fact that you are acting like jerk is the thing that makes me not want to have sex with you.

So I am fat and sexy? But I thought you were saying fat was bad. I am so confused. Also, you bought me some drinks at a bar. Sure, it’s nice but let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves here. I mean, do nice guys normally call a gal fat (repeatedly) just because she’s not interested? 

Really? Mystery solved! Now I know why I am single. But riddle me this. If my attitude is so terrible, why did you ask me out in the first place? Why did you stay out with me for like four hours on a Friday night? And, why would you want to hang out with me again? Yeah, that must be some really horrible attitude there.

Dating Confusion At Its Best

I’ve been meaning to share a story about one of the first guys I went out with when I moved to Brooklyn. I haven’t shared it for a couple of reasons. But mainly it’s because I am still not sure exactly what happened so every time I’ve tried to write it, I end up driving myself nuts.

It’s kind of a lengthy story, so instead of going through it in grave details, I am just going to highlight the important parts.

• A few weeks before moving to Brooklyn, I decide to change the location on my OkCupid profile. A guy (we’ll call him BG) contacts me and we start some mild flirtation.
• BG and I continue to talk and he even checks in with me after the move.
• BG then asks me on a date. I accept. (I thought he was cute and I was impressed that he actually kept in contact with me, but wasn’t annoying or pushy)
• We meet one rainy night. (Actually, my first full weekend in Brooklyn)
• We drink beer, have a couple of shots and have a genuinely swell time. (OK, we were totally snuggled up, making out at the bar)
• BG continues to contact me after first date and asks me out again, a few days later. I accept.
• Plans were somehow fumbled so I end up meeting up with some friends. (For some reason, he decided to wig out that the time we were meeting was too late) 
• While I’m out, BG decides he really wants to see me and comes out to play. (He decided to come all the way to Brooklyn from Jersey City, at like 10pm, on a week night. For those of you that don’t know, that’s not exactly a quick and easy trip)
• My friends leave the bar and BG accompanies me back to my place. (Truth be told, we had this plan all along)
• BG comes into my room and lies down on my bed. I lie next to him and he starts feeling me up a little. I kind of giggled and mumbled something about it being awkward. (In my defense, it was. I mean, that’s a terrible move. At least kiss me or something buddy)
• BG sits up, puts his shoes on and leaves. (He says nothing to me. No see you later. No I’ll call you later. Nothing)
• The end. (Feel free talk amongst yourselves and comment with a little insight below)

Online dating messages gone bad: Want to be my momma?

So I kind of hate writing about the same thing over and over again but, as luck (?) would have it the universe decided to give me another lovely message in my OkCupid inbox.

This one actually didn’t start out that bad. It was just your typical “hey you’re cute, how’s it going” variety of message. When I noticed the guy was from a different state I asked why he was messaging women in Chicago. He’s not that far away – a couple of hours – but still that’s a considerable distance for me especially since I don’t have a car.

He informed me that the girls around him didn’t seem to like him all that much so he thought he would search a little further away to see how that worked for him. Clearly that should have told me something. Though in my defense people exaggerate and there are many reasons a person isn’t getting any responses on a dating site.

The lovely gentleman then responded by asking me if I would like to be his momma. Frankly I was a little confused. I mean was he for real? Then I thought that maybe momma was some sort of slang for some cool word I didn’t know about. After all, I am the woman who had to Google DTF to find out what that meant.

Well I could not have been more wrong. I sent him back a friendly “momma?” as in could you please tell me what in the world you are talking about. He responded that he just wants someone to love him like a mommy would love him. I wasn’t sure how to respond. I mean, can you even respond to that?

Now, let me be clear here, I don’t judge anyone on any of their fantasies. I am a firm believer in the whole to each his own theory. And really I am not even sure if that’s where this guy was going with this. Let’s be honest here I have no idea where he was going with this. But the point is that I am a total stranger and there is a time and place for that kind of thing. And let me assure you this was not the time and place.

I also get that maybe people have some sort of issues. But again, time and place.

I replied with a simple “thanks but no thanks.” And it seems he thought I just wasn’t cool with the whole mommy idea but maybe I was into something else because he responded with “but i do want you shower me with sisterly affection :P” Yes, that is direct quote there folks.

I didn’t respond. Frankly I didn’t really want to know what was going to come next.