If you don't want a second date then don't talk about it it

The last couple of dates that I have been on have been pretty good dates. Actually one date was pretty awesome and fabulous and you can read about my thoughts on all of that over here. At any rate, the dates were pretty good and I sensed that the feelings were somewhat mutual since each guy mentioned what we should do on our second date. Well, here it is weeks later and I have yet to actually have those second dates.

And no, trust me, I am not still waiting for those second dates to happen. This isn't the first time in my life that this sort of thing has happened and I don't really think that's the kind of thing you sit around and wait around for. I mean, if a guy hasn't contacted me (or responded to my attempts to contact him) after a few days I generally think you should just move on.

Honestly, I was pretty bummed about the really awesome and fabulous date. I genuinely believed that there would be a second date (and I genuinely wanted there to be a second date). I also want to genuinely believe when he talked about the second date that he truly wanted there to be one. But since that didn't actually happen I can't really be sure. After all, if he really wanted one wouldn't it have actually happened?

Frankly, this is something that I have just never understood. Why do some guys talk about the second date if they aren't actually planning on going on a second date? I understand that there are those guys that simply just don't follow through with women and, yes I am also aware that there are guys that just don't want to follow through with me. However, I feel like those are things that you should know about yourself. And if you know that you are the kind of guy that isn't going to follow through then don't talk about the second date.

I get that sometimes a guy is blind sided by a woman who is planning their next date and to be polite he agrees. I am not sure how I really feel about that, but I get it. But if the woman hasn't even almost mentioned a second date then clearly you can't really use that as an excuse.

I also get that there are guys that sometimes get all caught up in things and think there will be a second date. Then somewhere between thinking that and actually taking a woman on a second date they somehow decide that they don't actually like the woman enough to follow. But this kind of goes with what I said before. If you know that this sometimes happens then just don't talk about the second date, I mean really.

Sometimes I wonder if guys feel like a woman really needs to hear that. It's almost as if some guys might think that a woman needs to hear references to the future in order to feel comfortable when she is out with a guy. Maybe it's kind of like the whole breaking up thing or maybe it goes into the whole idea that women put a whole lot more meaning into a date than a guy does. I don't know.

Here's the thing though. Women don't really need to hear that there is going to be a second date unless you are going to actually ask us out on a second date. Actually, to be totally honest here, it doesn't really mean a whole hell of a lot unless you are going to actually follow through with it. Frankly, it makes you look a little douchey.

Honestly, I know plenty of women who get that sometimes a drink date is just a drink date and we will never see you again. Most of us even get that sometimes dinner is just dinner. Just because we go out on one date with a guy does not mean that it will lead to a serious relationship or a marriage proposal and most of us are pretty okay with that. I promise. Actually, sometimes the feeling is mutual and we don't want to see the guy again either.

The bottom line is that, to me, the mention of the second date means something. It is somewhat of a sign that things are going well. It says "I kind of dig you and I am not repulsed at the thought of doing this again sometime." It's not something that you say just to make casual conversation and it's not something that I need to hear on every date. So, really, if you don't mean it just don't say it.

Sitting on my couch is not a date

I've had a epiphany this week. Actually, back up for a second. Technically I have been thinking about this for a while, I just feel like it was fully confirmed this week. If you read my blog, you know that I am pretty open minded when it comes to dating and by no means am I a prissy princessy kind of girl. I have to be honest here though guys, sitting on my couch (or your couch) is not a date. Really, it's not.

Now, before you get all crazy on me, let me explain. I am not saying that every date we go on has to be some super amazingly extravagant date. We do not need to go to five-star restaurants or expensive Broadway shows. Really, I am not expecting the royal/celebrity kind of treatment here.

I also realize there are times when a couch date can be fun and even a little romantic. Invite me over to snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie. Sometimes we can just cook dinner at your place (or mine) or order some takeout. Clearly I definitely understand there are times that you just don't feel like going out especially if we are seeing each other a few times a week. That is perfectly fine, I promise.

There are times though, that this whole sitting on your couch thing just really isn't acceptable. And I feel like there are some guys out there that are getting a little confused.

If we have never actually met in person before. Please do not think it's cute and clever if we have been talking on OkCupid (or any other dating site) and you ask me to come over to your place for an in person meeting. Honestly, it's really just lame and borders on creepy. No, I am not afraid you will chop me into little pieces (though I know that can happen) nor am I afraid you will take advantage of me (again I know that can happen). Frankly, I just don't get why it's so hard to meet me for a couple of drinks or some coffee, which in turn makes me wonder other things (read that as I see a big red flag).

Side note here. I get that there are guys that aren't really looking for women to date, hence the whole trying to get me to come over thing. Those are not the guys I am referring to here. I am talking about the guys that actually propose this as a first meeting like it's a date. Trust me, it happens.

If the only thing we ever do together is sit on your (or my) couch. It's one thing to have a few dates on the couch (we already established that's totally cool). However, it's an entirely different thing when you don't ever go out in public together. That, my friends, is not dating no matter how much you create the "romantic" mood. Again you do not have to take me on extravagant dates, but some time in public is pretty standard. Otherwise I am just going to think you are really lame or don't want to be seen in public with me. Neither of which is a really great scenario for you.

Sure, there are exceptions to everything so if some guy has something wrong with him, like a disease that makes him totally immobile, then obviously that is a different story.

The fact of the matter is that going out on a date has nothing to do with treating me like a princess or a queen (or any other royalties). It all just boils down to the fact that if you like a girl (or want to see if you will like a girl) you should want to go out on a date. After all, that is why they call it dating right? Seems pretty logical to me.

The 22-year-old's approach to picking up an older woman

Will someone please tell me what the deal is with 22-year-old guys? Seriously, their approach to picking up women (mainly older women) just flat out sucks.

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am not overly fond of guys that are younger than I am (actually I am not overly fond of guys my age either). I tend to be into those that are more in the 32 to 35 age range - with an even bigger preference for those that are even older. Honestly I have no idea why this is; it's just how I have always been. Clearly I would love to say it's because I have better luck with older guys, but I am not really sure if I can say that.

Point being that there is a pretty big age difference between 22 and 32, especially in man years. So yes, I get that it's an age thing. Though, it's something that seems to be a trend which makes me wonder. And I mean, even if it is a 22-year-old is it too hard to ask for a little respect here?

Lately, there have been a lot of younger guys that have been sending me messages on OkCupid (mainly around the ripe old age of 22). Since I am a firm believer in keeping an open mind, I try not to cast guys out based on age so if the guy seems interesting I respond.

Well clearly there must be a whole group of them looking for an older woman to hook up with and for some reason they have decided to target me. Over the past few weeks, I would say that close to 95 percent of the messages that I have received from guys around that age have been something along those lines. Here's a little sampling (all from different guys):

OkCupid Guy: jw have you ever been with a younger guy

OkCupid Guy: i have a fantasy of being with a older woman and im game for anything im just a laid back fun guy whos looking for a cutie to talk to ever once in a while i dont care if you go on dates or are talking to someone or want to keep me your lil secert lol thats hott :)

OkCupid Guy: can i ask what your favorite position is?

OkCupid Guy: so would u ever mess around w a 22 yr oldd

OkCupid Guy: r u horny usually lol

OkCupid Guy: i love older sexy women ur def sexy :) i like the cougar thing :)

For starters, will someone please teach people how to spell (and grammar, punctuation, etc)? Should I mention that one of the guys told me that he wants to be a writer? And news flash for everyone - text chat was invented for texts not conversations (hence it being called, you know, text chat).

Also, I think I am a little confused here. Isn't the technical definition of a cougar a woman who goes out to find younger men to sleep with? So if you are a younger guy trying to find an older woman how would that make me a cougar? I'm not sure how much I classify as an "older woman". Sure, I am older than these fine gentlemen (I'm almost 30). But I mean come on, go big or go home buddy. If you are going to go for an older woman go for an older woman.

Thought let's be honest here. A younger guy wanting to hook up with an older woman is not that original so stop acting like you are some rare breed. And the whole what's your favorite position thing is so 1997.

I kind of prefer to actually meet a guy before I consent to actually having sex. Maybe it's the part of me that remembers the time where you had to actually mail a picture of yourself to another person and these guys were not exactly what you thought they would be. It could also be the part of me that actually wants to be attracted to the person I am sleeping with (silly me).

I guess part of me is just amazed that this is the way they choose to approach women. There has to be a better approach out there right? Something perhaps with a little more class. Perhaps the Queer Guy Tells It Straight can help here?

Let me be clear here, I have no issue with people who just wants to mess around. If you don't want something serious you don't - that is a personal choice. And I honestly don't expect or even want a serious relationship with every guy I meet off the internet. I am just saying if you have a crap approach with trying to win me over, I am probably going to wonder what else you have a crap approach to.

A cat call won't ever get you the girl

Last night, I read a fabulous post over on The Queer Guy Tells It Straight. The post was about men trying to pick up women from their cars and how this attempt doesn't ever (and really definitely shouldn't ever) work.

I have to say that he is completely right here, fellas. In fact, I would say that, as a woman, I don't find anything even remotely flattering about a man who does this. If you are a woman who thinks this kind of behavior is flattering you seriously need to check your standards on how you feel a guy should treat you.

I would also like to add another thing in here as well; yelling at women while you are walking past them.

One fine day I was walking across the street and a guy yelled something about being a hot tall chick. Then there was another time that a man made a comment about my legs and what I could do with them. Yeah, not cool at all guys really. I have to say that I really did not feel compelled to offer the guy my number in either situation. 

Likewise, I have witnessed this happening to other women as well. I don't recall there ever being a time that I actually saw this approach work. So I think it's fair to say that this isn't a successful move. In other words, stop it and find a new approach. As Daniel said, "keep driving loser, she ain't getting in!"

Now, don't get me wrong here. There is nothing wrong at all with approaching women you don't know. I mean really, how else are you supposed to meet someone you think is attractive? Just try to do it with a little class. Remember, women are not cattle or any other animal for that matter.

Instead, why don't you just try the simple approach. How about actually going up to a woman, introducing yourself and starting a conversation? What a novel idea. It's genius really.

Please do not check out other women on a date

Anyone that knows me really well can tell you that there are certain things about my life that I am super anal about. For instance, I fold my towels all the same way and they are organized on the shelf by color. It's my system, always has been, and I don't like it when people mess with my system. When it comes to dating, however, I tend to be pretty laid back and open minded.

Some people might think this is a good thing and I will admit that most of the time it is. However, sometimes it causes me to let a little too much slide and people take advantage of that. I often find that this happens with certain douche bag-like things guys do. A fine example of this is when guys check out other women on dates.

Well, I would really like to set the record straight here. Checking out other women on a date is not really a good move. And might I add that just because a woman is laid back and lets it slide a couple of times doesn't mean that you can keep doing it.

Now, let me be clear here. I am not naive enough to believe that I can go on dates where there are no other women at all. Likewise, I am also well aware that guys notice other women on dates. This is pretty much just a known fact; common knowledge if you will. Actually, I would be lying if I said that I haven't ever noticed another guy on a date (yes, women do it too). That's not really the issue here.

It becomes a problem when your date knows that you are checking out other women. A couple of brief looks can probably be excused as long as your date doesn't have to wipe up the drool. Notice how I said brief, which means gawking at another woman is most likely a really bad idea. Definitely keep the comments to yourself. We don't want to actually hear how hot the waitress is. Oh and we surely don't want to see you do a double take as a random woman walks past.

If you do make a comment and we let it slide then that doesn't give you the go ahead to continue to talk about the hot waitress. Please don't mention her to us the day after the date or mention how you would like to go back so you can see her. And by all means, if you are still talking about the hot waitress multiple days after our date...Do I really even need to say it? Seriously, that's just not cool. Actually it's pretty disrespectful.

The thing to keep in mind here is that we aren't one of your buddies. Sure, couples need to be friends and joke around with each other but this is totally different. If you really feel the need to see the hot waitress again then go back with your friends. Likewise, if you feel compelled to talk about her hotness please tell your friends.

As one of my twitter friends, URwingman, said the other day "I think a guy should be allowed to appreciate a woman's beauty as long as the definition of beauty is in the person he's with". That seems to pretty much sum it up. Plus, would you really like it if we talked about how hot the bartender is the next time we are out together? Probably not. So try to keep that in mind.

Online dating messages gone bad: Call or I might make other plans

Anyone who has ever had a profile on an internet dating site knows that some people send some pretty interesting messages out there. I say the word interesting here because honestly I don't know how to even begin to describe it. Sending messages over the internet is kind of like texting after having ten or more shots of tequila. Only you don't have any friends to stop you and it's likely you may not even have to face the person reading the message at all.

Which really makes me wonder two things. Do people genuinely think these messages work? And have these messages ever worked? I mean clearly they must have at some point or people wouldn't keep doing it right? From this, I have decided it is a good idea to start a little series called Online Dating Messages Gone Bad. Of course occasionally I might throw in one of the quality messages, but for now let's just start with the bad.

The other day this was in my inbox (this is this exact message, not edited in anyway):

call my cell phone, because it's hard to meet folks on here and get accross the right point. i do much better in person or on the phone. basically, i'm in the loop now, but will be in the suburbs later. text/or call soon otherwise i'm going to make other plans.

Well apparently he is good at punctuation. I mean really buddy you know how to use commas and periods and even a few apostrophes. Though he isn't so good at that capitalization thing, maybe the shift key on his keyboard is broken?

He is right though, it is really hard to convey your feelings and meet people on the internet. Which I guess is why he was straight and to the point. While he did give me his number, he didn't actually give me his name and he also didn't have a picture. Perhaps it's not necessarily the internet that's getting in your way here. Just sayin'.

I should give him kudos for being honest though. I mean he took the time to tell me where he will be and give me somewhat of a time frame. Oh and he also told me that I should definitely call as soon as I can or he will make other plans. How sweet really. You can't say I wasn't warned.

Needless to say, I did not call this guy. Perhaps one of the other women he sent this message to took him up on the offer. I am pretty sure I was not the only one here. No I don't feel special and no I am not really offended by that at all. You can't blame a guy for trying though right?

Have a great story of a message gone bad? Feel free to share it with me here and I can feature it on my blog.