Why My Date Was Not Just A Typical Dinner Date

I am always a fan of anything that encourages people to breakaway from the mold and do their own thing. It might be because I'm part hippy or a bit of a rule breaker myself, but whatever it is I like it. So I am really excited to present this guest post by Li who writes over at Vimbly.

Why My Date Was Not Just A Typical Dinner Date

By Li

I am actually afraid of going on a dinner date because I am not comfortable with eating in front of a guy I like. I have a reputation to uphold…whatever that is. If he’s just a friend that I can’t see myself dating then yes, I’ll eat a burrito in front of him. If he has a girlfriend and I am friends with her, even better…bring out those Buffalo wings! However, in front of a guy I like, I want to stay ladylike. I know this makes me fake but I am not. I am just a sensitive person who gets extremely nervous in front of someone I like. Will I be able to cut this steak without using a saw? Will broccoli get stuck in my teeth? I can’t enjoy my food if these thoughts are constantly running in my head. What’s the point of torturing me and taking me to a dinner date again? Well, he didn’t. We had a great time without waiting to be seated, without being interrupted by a waiter every ten minutes, and without paying a fortune for food that wasn’t even that fulfilling. My date was unique not only because we ditched the common date idea but also because of the following:

1. He surprised me with a bouquet of broccoli instead of flowers. He also gave me a quick rundown on how broccoli improves eye health, helps lower cholesterol, and repairs skin damage. Okay doc, I promise I’ll eat my greens. People kept looking at me, my wrapped broccoli to be exact but I didn’t care. I couldn’t stop smiling all night. It was the sweetest present ever.

2. I gave him a handmade coupon book. Perhaps I read too much DIY blogs but a handmade anything is better than a present from the store because it’s the thought that counts, right? Besides, I dislike measuring affection with dollar bills. His coupon book includes perks such as “One week of morning calls” and “Two hours of no girl gossip.” I’ll be saving it for later…shhh, don’t tell him!

3. He took me to see a burlesque show. A what show? I raised my brows when I saw the tickets but I was curious to find out what exactly is a burlesque show since I never been to one and my only reference was Christina Aguilera. I kept asking him questions for the next two days before our date. I am not going to tell you how it went because I want you to experience it yourself.

4. I treated him for dessert and tea. Since the gentleman paid for the show, I decided to show my appreciation by treating him for dessert and tea. It was quite obvious that I was the one having a sweet tooth craving. Regardless, it was my gesture that I care about him. I asked many guy friends about this sensitive topic but almost all agreed that it’ll be nice if the girl treats him back. Your treat does not have to be the same cost as his either. Again, it’s the thought that counts.

About the Author

Li is NYC based blogger. She writes for Vimbly, an activity booking web app where she delivers the message that experience is more valuable than possession. On a random note, she likes to watch SpongeBob when home alone. You can follow her on Twitter. If you are Joseph Gordon-Levitt, please call.

Is a guy a jerk if he doesn't pay?

Photo courtesy of 401(K) 2013 (Flickr)

The other day I posted an article from my archives on Facebook and Twitter. The article was about paying for a date and whether or not it makes a guy a gentleman. One of my Twitter followers threw a question back about when a guy doesn’t pay. She wondered if that would make him a jerk. And, like any good blogger, I felt compelled to write about it.

Obviously, per the article in my archives, I don’t think paying for a date makes a guy a gentleman. So, how do I feel about when a guy doesn’t pay? Does it make him a jerk?

Honestly, no, I don’t think it makes him a jerk at all.

And before you get all crazy and think I am being anti-chivalrous let me say a few things. This really isn’t an issue on whether I think a guy should pay or not. I genuinely appreciate when a guy pays. I think it’s a nice gesture. It’s sweet and awesome. You know, as long as he isn’t doing it to get something. This is an issue about whether I think a guy is a jerk because he doesn’t pay. And I simply don’t think that.

Now, with that said I feel like I should point out that it’s been really rare (read that as pretty much never) that I’ve had anything romantical happen with a guy who hasn’t paid. And that hasn’t been because I’ve put the kibosh to it; it’s more just been that it ends up as something casual, just friends, or nothing at all. So, I kind of think sometimes a guy chooses not to pay in order to send the message that it’s not a date.

Side note: Obviously that depends on the setting.  If the gal was the one who asked the guy out she should pay. I also think that if one person suggests a super pricey place they should be the one to pay regardless because I think it’s a little crazy to expect a person to go dutch if you suggested the place with $18 drinks.

I guess I honestly just feel that the word jerk (or anything related) is a little strong here. And maybe that’s because I’ve known dudes who call me fat, try to cheat on their fiancées with me, and tell me to fuck off. It’s also because I genuinely feel that if the date goes really well, I am not going to swear a guy off and toss him in a pile with those kinds of guys just because he doesn’t pay. That just seems a little crazy to me.

Why I Hate First Dates

It’s no secret that I’ve been on my share of first dates. And I am pretty sure it’s no secret that I kind of hate them. Actually, I find them exhausting. All that getting ready and being on your best behavior.

I was thinking about this as I was getting ready for a first date a few weeks ago. And then it hit me on exactly why I hate first dates...I like what comes in the middle of dating. You know, the part after you get to know each other.

The fact is, I have never really been good at that whole “being what you’re supposed to be” kind of thing. Just ask my mom or my sister and they will tell you I have always had to do everything different from everyone else. That’s just who I am.

But the real issue is, I am not sure if I have ever found exactly how to fit in with first dates. Rather, I don’t think who I really am fits in with first dates. Maybe it’s that I feel like I have been judged by a greater portion of guys I have been on dates with. Maybe it’s just that I assume I am not acting the so-called right way for a first date.

It’s just, you hear about all those things that you shouldn’t do on first dates. And, sometimes I kind of feel like I am the poster child for what not to do. It’s not that I am some rude, inconsiderate prick or anything.

I’ve mentioned it so many times, but I just want to be able to be me and not worry if it looks bad. I don’t want to worry if it’s how I should be acting. But I have a hard time because I am not sure how the real me fits in with that whole first date thing.

I’m just the gal who is loud and laughs a lot. I make inappropriate jokes sometimes (or all of the time). I like to do shots of Tequila and maybe finish off a bottle (or two) of wine. I like to put it all out there. No holding back.

I am also the gal who feels with everything she has. And when I feel something, I want to explore it -- without any boundaries. When I like a guy I want to cozy up with him in my bed and make out with him. If it leads to more then so be it.

Side note: I am fully aware that I make myself sound like a complete crazy person. If you’ve met me, you know that’s mostly true. But, it’s the good kind of crazy. Actually, a guy I recently met described me as vibrant. I’d say that’s pretty accurate (and that’s probably one of the most flattering things a guy has ever told me).

I think the biggest thing is, I hate that feeling that I can’t do something I want to do because it’s not the so-called right time. And I know this makes me sound a little spoiled, but that’s not how I mean it. It’s not about having my way or getting what I want.

It’s more that I feel like I have to hold back and when I hold back it feels forced and fake. That just doesn’t feel like me. It’s not me. And, then I feel like the person is getting to know a fake version of me. That’s not really fair to them and it’s not something that I am not OK with.

I feel like if you’re going to date then you need to just get to know each other. The real each other. None of this pretending. Because, honestly, few things scare me more than being in a couple who loves each other for someone we aren’t.

Does paying for a date automatically make a guy a gentleman?

So last week, match.com released data from a survey about singles. As we established with my thoughts the last time they released results I tend to take statistics with a grain of salt. But nevertheless they are still really interesting.

Side note. I was going to write one post about all my thoughts but I realized that I have quite a few thoughts about this survey and all those thoughts really create more than one post can handle. So I will be sharing them here and there over the next few weeks. Be sure to come back to check them out.

Anyway, in the study, they found that 37% of men feel they should foot the bill on a date. Now, before I say anything I have to kind of question what the word should means here. I mean are we talking about men who feel it’s their manly duty or something entirely different here? Because I think that really matters when you’re reading the stat. 

Honestly though, I have to say that I kind of feel that is a really low number. I mean, more often than not I go out with a guy who offers to pay. And generally if he doesn’t pay for the whole thing it’s not like he is rude or forces me to pay. It’s generally more that I offer and he let’s me pay for some (or leave the tip, buy a couple rounds of drinks, etc).

So that kind of leads me to believe that either a) I don’t date guys who are at all normal about this type of thing or b) that number is extremely low.

I should also add in here that this is a pretty common thing amongst my friends as well , that is they often have dates with guys who pay, so I really don’t think it’s that I am just finding the guys that are totally different. And trust me I have had my fair share of guys who have been rude about paying.

Actually one time when I was in college I had a date with this guy. It was a double date with my sister and her husband (he was her boyfriend at the time). We all went to the movies and when my date and I went up to get our tickets we had that crap who is going to pay kind of moment. He kind of looked at me and I said I was cool with either us of paying. Then he rudely said to me that I could pay for myself. I forget his exact words but the way he said it and his tone was obviously rude. My sister will vouch for it.

The fact of the matter is that this whole paying thing is always a mystery. Some people say the guy should pay no matter what. Some people say it depends on who asks who. Some say that you should split it. So it’s pretty confusing on how it should all work.

Honestly, I have to tell you that in most cases I don’t think I really care who pays for what on a date. The only time it really matters is if a guy asks me to some really expensive restaurant or event that he wants to go to. Sorry, but I just feel it’s polite for him to pay in that situation.

Yes, I know how that all sounds and I know that plenty of people think that I am the type of woman who ruins this whole chivalry thing for everyone else. Though, I mean I am saying what works for me here. Different strokes for different folks.

Now, let’s be clear here. I am not saying I don’t ever want a guy to pay for me and I am also not saying I don’t appreciate when a guy pays for me. Trust me I do. I think it’s a genuinely nice gesture. Actually I appreciate when anyone pays for me in any situation because I genuinely believe it’s a nice thing to do.

The problem with the guy paying is that people automatically assume all these things about him which aren’t necessarily true. 

Some of my dates who have turned out to be total douche bags paid on the first date. Remember the guy who tried to get other women to have his babies since I wasn’t up for it? Yeah he paid for everything. 

But then I have also had the guys who have been genuinely nice and almost perfect gentlemen who have let me chip in some money for the date. Some of those guys have even let me pay half. Actually one guy paid for the second date and then I paid for the third.

And I am not trying to say that guys who pay are never gentleman. I am just saying they aren't always gentlemen. I guess the point that I am making is that who pays for what is not the only thing that is important on a date and it doesn’t automatically make the date great. And it certainly doesn’t automatically make the guy a gentleman. 

If a guy is a gentleman then he is simply that. I don’t think that’s something that is dependent on him paying. Actually I am pretty sure you can tell if he is a gentleman regardless.

First impressions are exhausting

My niece and nephew came for a little visit this past weekend. We planned to go to the Museum of Science and Industry and the Lincoln Park Zoo. As we were getting ready to go on Saturday, my niece picked out what she wanted to wear. She chose a pair of black leggings with a pink and black striped sweater dress mainly because I was wearing black leggings and a black dress and she loves to wear outfits that match what I am wearing. She also decided that she wanted to wear the socks that I bought her when I was in NYC.

I bought the socks at a store called LittleMissMatched that I stumbled upon while wandering in NYC. The store has all kinds of things (socks, bags, flip flops, boots etc) that are in mismatched patterns. I should have taken a picture of the exact outfit my niece had on, but here is the exact set I purchased:

So picture those on my niece, pulled up to her knees with the leggings and the striped sweater dress as she's bopping all over Chicago. She also wore them the next day on the way back to Indiana - this time with a black tutu skirt which had sparkles and glitter all over it. It was so much that when my brother-in-law picked her up he turned to my sister and asked what the heck she was wearing.

It was quite a sight but she looked adorable. Plus if you know my niece you know that this sort of thing totally fits her personality. She likes to have each of her nails painted a different color, though she strategically plans each color. Hey we don't call her punky (as in Punky Brewster) for nothing. Though, the girl is only six and you can still get away with so much at the age of six.

The important thing that I noticed is that my niece didn't even stop for a second to think about wearing those socks. She didn't wonder if those socks really went with her outfit. She didn't think about what anyone else would think of her socks or care if people looked at her funny. She just thought they were fun and loved that her Aunt Jess bought them for her so she wanted to wear them.

In short, she didn't care about what impression she was making on people. Actually I am pretty sure she didn't even think about it. She is just being who she is.

As we get older, this idea of not caring sort of fades away and then when we are adults suddenly all we care about are the impressions we make. This is something that is true in far too many circumstances including dating. And it's something that I am far too guilty of.

Before I go on a date, I worry about how I should do my hair and my makeup. I also plan out the right outfit and make sure to have the right shoes. After all, it would be a shame to meet the perfect man without the perfect shoes, right?

During the date I always worry about what the guy is thinking about me. I am always afraid that I have food in my teeth or that I might drop something on myself (that's why God invented black right?). Oh and I also worry about falling and spilling. Those are the things that make me feel uncomfortable and I fear it might leave a bad impression. Actually, that stuff can be down right embarrassing. I am pretty sure the only things my niece is embarrassed about is when my sister and I tease her for having Bieber Fever or when she has to change in front of her brother.

The problem is that sometimes those things prevent me from just being me. I am so caught up in all the things that I am afraid of that it makes it hard to let loose and just have a good time. And I think I get a little too caught up in the fear that people won't accept me.

Funny thing is - I can't recall a single time any of those things have happened on a date where I haven't recovered. Actually, those things rarely even happen on a date.

Clearly I know that I will never be a six-year-old again and there are many things that I love about being an adult. I mean I love living alone and not having to ask permission for things. And I love that I can stay up as late as I want and eat ice cream for dinner if I really want to. I just really miss those moments of not caring what anyone else thinks of me and being comfortable in my own skin. Those moments where I don't care if I am too fat or too skinny or what my clothes look like. Actually, I just miss those moments where I don't even think about any of that stuff. It was a simpler time and a hell of a lot more fun.

So, next time I have a date, I am going to think about this weekend with my niece. And while I am sure I won't wear crazy socks with a sparkly tutu, I'm going to remember the principles - that I should just be who I am. After all, let's face it, shit happens and it's usually shit that's beyond your control.

A good date happens (once in a while)

I feel like I never really write about the good stuff that happens in dating. It could be that not enough good stuff actually happens (to me anyway) but I really hate saying that. I don't want to be the cynical woman that thinks that. The truth is, life (and dating) is not all rainbows and butterflies, bad things happen. Plus I feel like I have so many stories to share about my misadventures with guys that sometimes the good just escapes me.

Anyhow, I made a vow to myself that the next time something good happened I'd blog about it. After all, it's only fair and I like to play fair. Well, I am sure that you have guessed by now that something good has happened and it might seem small but I believe you should always keep promises.

So here it is - I had a date and it was a good date. Yes, folks, you read that right. A good date has happened to this single Chicago blogger.

I met Mr. Google a little while ago via Twitter. No, not an internet dating site, though still the internet. He has so eloquently been named Mr. Google because he Googled everything before we first went out. In fact, I think he even Googled me. Side note, it's something I think is sweet and I totally don't care if guys Google me.

It all started when he suddenly appeared in my Twitter stream one day. At first I thought he was kind of cute and then he tweeted out something that caught my eye so I tweeted back and the flirting began. He asked me out and I said yes. We ate. We walked by the lake. I babbled We talked. And all in all, I have to say it's one of the best dates that I have been on in a long time.

There were a couple strange things that happened here, which I can't say it means anything but it is worth mentioning. First I agreed to meet him for dinner (without hesitation might I add). Usually when it's a first meeting I tend to go for the coffee or drinks thing. Let's face it, a first meeting can be an epic failure which is a totally uncomfortable situation for both parties. I prefer to avoid that and I believe that is why drinks were invented to begin with. Seems logical, right?

Second, I agreed to dinner without even talking on the phone with him. It never really even occurred to me that we hadn't talked on the phone until he brought it up. As a rule (I use that term loosely as we all know how I feel about those), I generally like to talk on the phone at least once before the first in person meeting. I really just feel that you get a far better read on the person and it helps to avoid that whole epic failure thing I previously mentioned.

The kick in the ass here is that he doesn't live in Chicago. I am avoiding all the details because I don't want to make it obvious who he is here. But he doesn't even live in Illinois but he did come to Chicago on his own, not to visit me. In fact that was planned before he even know there was a me.

All in all, I have no idea what will even happen here. Though, I mean let's all be honest here, does anyone truly know what will happen after a first date with a guy that lives in the same city as them? Probably not. Plus, it was just a first date so technically I don't think I'm really supposed to know anyway. All I know is that I had a great time, I think I like him and I'd like to see him again.