On Having Friends of the Opposite Sex

I’ve always been the gal who has had guy friends. Not that I have only had guy friends, but I am the type who meets someone and if we click as friends, then so be it. Regardless of what sex they happen to be.

So when people make a big deal about dating someone who has friends of the opposite sex, I don’t really get it.

I guess maybe there might be something if a guy is only friends with females or vice versa. But then I kind of feel like I would need to know why this is the case. And then it’s kind of a matter of why this guy isn’t able to relate to any other man at all. So, I might tread a little lightly, but then again you usually do that when you’re first getting to know a person anyway. Nevertheless, I wouldn’t automatically deem a guy undateable just for that.

But then there are the people who think that having friends of the opposite sex means you might be more prone to cheating. Or, I guess that the temptation is greater or something. Now that is the part that I really don’t get.

Sure, there are probably tons of cases out there where people have cheated with a friend. But, I would say that the chances of that person cheating were probably pretty great regardless. The friend just happened to be the person they cheated with.

And, of course, if a person had a friend who’s all “hey come have sex with me” that’s a different story. In that case, the friend needs to be ditched, but that doesn’t mean all friends of the opposite sex need to be sworn off.

I honestly kind of wonder why no one questions the dude who is only friends with guys. I mean, it should kind of make you wonder why he hasn’t been able to relate to or develop a friendship with any females.

Bottom line is, this is all part of a relationship. You meet, you get to know each other, and you establish trust. And, frankly, if you can’t trust someone to have friends of the opposite sex, how are you going to handle the bigger stuff?

Friendships Are Important Too

I've been meaning to post for a long time about friendships, but I've held back for a few different reasons. Honestly, I think I just wasn’t sure exactly what to write because I have a lot of feelings about this subject. Then, I was reading a lovely and well-written post over on Bright Lights, My City and it kind of inspired me a little. Partially because I thought hallelujah I am not the only gal who feels this way.

When it comes to friendships, I believe two things.

Friendships are some of the most important relationships you’ll ever have in life. Friendships don’t automatically take the backseat just because something or someone else comes along.

Anyone who tells you making friends is easy is a liar. Let me clarify. Meeting people is totally easy. Finding people you like hanging out with? Also, totally easy. But true, genuine friendships are a whole other beast.

Because of these two things, I take friendships really serious. When my friends hurt, I hurt. When they are happy, I am happy. And when shit goes down with the friendship, you find a way to work it out.

I guess in a way I believe that friendships are a lot like dating. After all, a friendship is a relationship, right? It takes work. There are challenges and problems that come up. But, just like how you work at it with your significant other, you work at it with your friends.

Now, don’t get me wrong here. I am not saying I am the perfect friend or that you should let your friends walk all over you (or make you jump through hoops). And, I am well aware that sometimes friendships aren’t meant to last until the end of time. Sometimes two people just aren’t compatible as friends. But, I can’t help but wonder if, more often than not, it’s more a matter of hurt feelings and misunderstandings rather that incompatibility.

And, I have to say that if you happen upon a new situation and you start losing friends, it’s probably not because your friends are jealous. It also might not be because things have changed and you’re on different pages now. It could be, but it’s pretty likely that it’s not.

Many years ago when my sister was first married and first started having babies we had a really rough time. We had always been close, but it seemed like we were on totally opposite sides of the world. After some fighting, rough patches, and a whole lot of hurt feelings we were able to work through it. It wasn’t easy, but we worked through it because having a relationship meant something to us. We knew we had to try to work things out if we wanted a relationship and we did. Now, even though our lives are still totally different, she’s one of the closest people to me. And my life wouldn’t be the same without that relationship.

And, I know what you’re thinking – but Jess, that’s your sister. But being sisters doesn’t mean being friends or being close. We are friends because we want to be friends. Because we make it work. We try to understand each other. Even when it’s hard.

Sex Can Change Everything

Remember Red, my former friends with benefits, who randomly decided to come back into my life a couple of months ago? Well, I am happy to report that it didn’t end up being what I was afraid of – a guy who just wanted to cheat on his wife. But, the more we talk, the more I am realizing that our friendship has forever changed.  

Remember Red, my former friends with benefits, who randomly decided to come back into my life a couple of months ago? Well, I am happy to report that it didn’t end up being what I was afraid of – a guy who just wanted to cheat on his wife. But, the more we talk, the more I am realizing that our friendship has forever changed.  

We’ve had a lot of conversations and we both agreed that we genuinely want to be friends. We also agreed that it’s nice being in each other’s lives again and we don’t want to do anything stupid to compromise that.

However, there is just one little piece of all of this that kind of worries me. Actually, let’s be honest here – it’s a pretty big piece and it worries me a whole lot. His wife has no idea that we are friends again.

And, trust me, I am well aware of how wrong and dirty that sounds. But, honestly, we aren’t doing anything wrong. That is, we are just friends again. I mean, there isn’t anything physical or sexual going on between us. We aren’t plotting to sleep together or run away together. It’s just friends.

But, even though our friendship is harmless now, Red’s wife knows about our past. She knows who I am and what happened between us. So while part of me thinks what’s the big deal the other part of me knows it’s obviously a little hard to say “hey honey, remember that chick that I used to hook up with all the time? Well, I Googled her, emailed her, and now we’ve decided to become friends again. Cool?” And as much as I want to believe in understanding and acceptance, I am sane enough to know that no person in their right mind is going to be OK with that.

So now I wonder. Is it truly possible to be friends with someone when your friendship is a secret? I mean the thought that we could be in the same city but not be able to meet for drinks or dinner. The thought that we could pass each other on the street and could possibly pretend to be strangers. All of that is a little heartbreaking to me and I don’t think that’s what friendships are about. I promised myself after Mr. BST that I wouldn’t have relationships in secret. 

And, there’s an even bigger thought. If he can’t tell his wife that we’re friends, that makes what we are doing wrong. After all, omission is betrayal. I don’t believe that husbands and wives have to tell each other every minute detail, but I do believe this detail is a little too big to leave out.

So, even though we genuinely want to be friends again, there is this huge thing hanging over all that and frankly, it sucks because I really missed having him in my life. And I never thought that we’d end up like this. Actually I never really thought about how we would end up at all.

I’m not going to say that I regret anything that I did with Red. I don’t. I don’t really even believe in regrets. But I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a tiny part of me that wonders what it would be like if we had never started hooking up in the first place.

Sex can really change a relationship. I am not going to sit here and say that sex always ruins relationships. I know friends who have had sex and they have come out on the other side as even better friends. So I know it doesn’t always happen. It’s just it did for me.

And I don’t think we will make it to the other side.

A Perfect Example for the Case Against Girl Code

A little while ago, I wrote about my thoughts on girl code. Well, now I also have a story that fits in line with the whole thing perfectly.

A few weeks ago I was having drinks with one of my dearest friends in NYC, Miss Taylor Cast. We were catching up on things and trading some dating stories. She told me about one of the guys she’d recently met. Apparently he was a pretty awesome guy and she had a genuinely good time on their date. They actually made out some at the end of the night. But, he had a kid and that’s a deal breaker for her.

So here is this guy who happens to be cool and single. But, even though that’s true and she liked him, he’s still not a fit for her. That means he’s a fit for someone else.  And then there is me, also cool and single. Technically she could have called “dibs” (or whatever else girls say when they are claiming possession over a guy) but, like I said, not a fit for her.

She sent him a text to let him know she had a friend she thought he might like. He checked out my profile, we sent a few messages and exchanged numbers. We’ve been chatting and are making a plan to meet.

Now, obviously I don’t know what will happen but the principle is what’s important here. If you run around screaming "girl code" then someone else misses out on the chance and that’s just ridiculous. And, if you believe in fate and plans, maybe this is the way that we were supposed to meet. Maybe he wasn’t actually meant for her. Who knows?

I’d like to consider this a prime example as to why I think girl code is a load of crap. You just never know what can happen. It’s also what happens when people act like grown-ups and realize there is a lot more to worry about rather than who met who first.

Oh, and she also didn’t pull the “I’ll fix you up but here is a list of things you can’t do together” kind of thing. She’s actually cheering me on.

This Could Be Risky Business

A lot has been going on over the past couple of weeks and I kind of feel like everything I thought I knew about life and relationships is being tested. Actually it’s mostly stemming from one thing. Something that I didn’t actually know was a thing.

Let me start from the beginning.

A couple of weeks ago I received an email through the contact form on my website. When I opened the email and saw who it was from I had the strangest feeling. It was almost like it wasn’t actually happening. I thought about things I haven’t thought about in a while.

The email was from Red -- my friend turned friends with benefits/guy I date who disappeared and then basically told me to fuck off a few years ago. 

His message was short and sweet. He was shocked I was in Brooklyn but glad to see that I was doing well. At first it didn’t really do a lot to me. I mean, I was shocked and really happy he reached out. And, of course I was totally confused about what brought it on. We exchanged a few emails to catch up on things and then I didn’t hear from him for a few days. I figured that was that. Well, I was wrong.

A few days ago he emailed me some more and we started talking. We talked about everything – what we are doing now, what we used to do, and eventually we talked about what happened. And, it was just how I thought. He was getting married and didn’t know if we could be friends. So, he disappeared.

Apparently he Googled me and read my blog and just wanted to reach out to me. And I guess in a lot of ways I find that flattering.

But, in true Jess Downey fashion, I can see this whole thing getting complicated. He is still married and I will openly admit that after we emailed a few times our conversations did get a little flirty. I don’t know if I would say we crossed the line but I am not sure that we stayed that far from it either. However, that’s not really a line that I want to cross which is something I told him. So, we decided we want to try to be friends. And, honestly, I have no clue how this is all going to go.

Part of me is screaming “what the hell are you doing?”. I mean, here is a guy who hurt me really badly one more than one occasion. And, if that’s not bad enough, he’s openly flirting with me when he’s married. That’s just a recipe for disaster.

But there is this other part of me that remembers that guy who always let me talk about anything I needed to. The guy who cared enough about me to give me his virginity. The guy who stood by me even though I was a total nut case. The guy who made me laugh when I needed it. Truth be told, he was one the only guys I knew that I actually respected.

Our friendship wasn’t built around a physical thing but in the end it was a part of who we were together. So, now I am left wondering if it’s possible to have all those things that I loved about our friendship without all the physical stuff.

The honest answer is that I don’t know. But here’s what I do know.

I know that I kind of feel like I could be playing with fire. I know all the reasons against it. And, if I wasn’t aware of them, he made me aware when he said he wasn’t sure if we could just be friends years ago. I have no desire to be the other woman – in any way. I don’t care if it’s physical or flirting over the internet, that stuff can’t happen here.

I know that I might end up in a situation that could potentially be bad for all parties involved. I don’t say that to brag or anything. I am just pointing out that I am well aware of it. But to completely dismiss a possible friendship with a guy that once meant a lot to me doesn’t seem smart either. Actually, it goes completely against all of my core beliefs about everything.

I believe if you see the bad, you have to see the good. So, I don’t feel right about only looking at the bad. I have to look at the good. And, the truth is, the good far outweighs the bad. I mean, to be totally honest here, I have wished for this for some time. I know that sounds dumb but I have. I have wanted him to contact me. I never wanted to stop being friends with him.

I also know that maybe he could just be a jerk. Maybe I never knew him the way that I thought I did. Maybe he’s not trying to be friends but just misses all the fun and flirting we had. Maybe he’s lonely. I could think of about 100 maybes. None of them are good.

And, I know that if we are going to be friends, it can’t be the same as it was before. We can’t be the friends who flirt like crazy and talk about having sex with each other in secret code. I also know that I am afraid that’s just not possible.

In the end, I just feel that it’s worth the risk because I really have no idea what will happen. I know what we were like before but we were like that because we could be. We were both single. But now he’s different. I am different. Maybe we can different. Who knows what can happen this time? I owe it to myself to find out.

Why I Don't Believe In Girl Code

If you’re a gal who dates and has friends, you know about girl code. Actually, it’s probably something that has been drilled in your head ever since you decided to like boys. I think the idea made sense in high school but we are grown folks now and, I confess, it’s not something I believe in.

If you’re a gal who dates and has friends, you know about girl code. Actually, it’s probably something that has been drilled in your head ever since you decided to like boys. I think the idea made sense in high school but we are grown folks now and, I confess, it’s not something I believe in.

Now, before you go crazy on me, let me explain. It really has nothing to do with me. It’s not because I want to go out and do as I please or because I really don’t care that much about my friends. Actually it has to do more with the happiness of my friends. I mean, what if a guy that I dated was actually really perfect for one of my friends? How in the world can I preach about being a good friend when I am denying them a chance at that?

And yes, I know that sounds a little dramatic but maybe I am biased because I have been involved in that very situation so I know how it feels.

In my situation my friend dated the guy in high school and this was five years or so after the fact. They decided to meet up for dinner and my friend asked me to go as a buffer because she was afraid he was still interested in her and she was not at all interested in him. In fact, that’s pretty much all she talked about from the time she told me about their plans. I ended up sitting and talking to this guy for the longest time. We realized we had a lot in common and wanted to go out on a date to explore that. We both talked to her beforehand (separately) and she said to me (and I quote) “you can have him”. She actually seemed a little relieved that he was interested in me and not her.

Well, a little while later she started calling him behind my back and later told me she didn’t think things would go that far. And she more or less made me feel like I was a bad friend and was somehow doing something I shouldn’t be.

Now, I am not going to say this guy was my soulmate or anything but I didn’t really get a chance to explore my feelings for him because she jumped in the way. So, I just don’t think I’d ever feel right about making my friend feel that way.

Girl code really just seems to complicate things more than it needs to be.

Do you realize how easy it is for a friend of mine to meet a guy I’ve dated and not even know it? I am new to New York and my friends haven’t even met half the guys I have dated. So what do you do if a friend meets a guy you used to date, decides she really likes him and then you realize that you dated him? Are you supposed to say, “Oh by the way, I dated him so for the sake of our friendship you’d better not.”? That’s just insane to me.

Say you still have mutual friends and you’re going to a party where your ex will be. Do you point him out to your friend when you get there so she knows not to talk to him? Plus, how do you define this whole ex thing? I mean, is it a guy you seriously dated, a guy you went on a few dates with, or a guy you just liked? Because I know gals who think they have dibs on all of them.

Of course I am not saying it’s OK to go after someone’s boyfriend. And, I think if it was a serious relationship that you should talk it over with your friend first. It’s important to be respectful of your friend and the situation. But, honestly, if my friend finds she might have something with a guy I previously dated, I don’t see anything wrong with her exploring it.

There’s a reason this guy and I aren’t together. We aren’t a fit, I am not his type, or what have you. He’s going to end up with someone else anyway, so what’s the big deal if it happens to be my friend? I don’t take it as a personal insult or as a sign that my friend is better than me. It’s not a competition. Sure, it might be a little awkward but in time that will fade.

The bottom line is -- we are all adults here and we are too old to be fighting over guys. And, frankly, there are just more important things in life to worry about other than if someone is “stealing” your man.