A lot has been going on over the past couple of weeks and I kind of feel like everything I thought I knew about life and relationships is being tested. Actually it’s mostly stemming from one thing. Something that I didn’t actually know was a thing.
Let me start from the beginning.
A couple of weeks ago I received an email through the contact form on my website. When I opened the email and saw who it was from I had the strangest feeling. It was almost like it wasn’t actually happening. I thought about things I haven’t thought about in a while.
The email was from Red -- my friend turned friends with benefits/guy I date who disappeared and then basically told me to fuck off a few years ago.
His message was short and sweet. He was shocked I was in Brooklyn but glad to see that I was doing well. At first it didn’t really do a lot to me. I mean, I was shocked and really happy he reached out. And, of course I was totally confused about what brought it on. We exchanged a few emails to catch up on things and then I didn’t hear from him for a few days. I figured that was that. Well, I was wrong.
A few days ago he emailed me some more and we started talking. We talked about everything – what we are doing now, what we used to do, and eventually we talked about what happened. And, it was just how I thought. He was getting married and didn’t know if we could be friends. So, he disappeared.
Apparently he Googled me and read my blog and just wanted to reach out to me. And I guess in a lot of ways I find that flattering.
But, in true Jess Downey fashion, I can see this whole thing getting complicated. He is still married and I will openly admit that after we emailed a few times our conversations did get a little flirty. I don’t know if I would say we crossed the line but I am not sure that we stayed that far from it either. However, that’s not really a line that I want to cross which is something I told him. So, we decided we want to try to be friends. And, honestly, I have no clue how this is all going to go.
Part of me is screaming “what the hell are you doing?”. I mean, here is a guy who hurt me really badly one more than one occasion. And, if that’s not bad enough, he’s openly flirting with me when he’s married. That’s just a recipe for disaster.
But there is this other part of me that remembers that guy who always let me talk about anything I needed to. The guy who cared enough about me to give me his virginity. The guy who stood by me even though I was a total nut case. The guy who made me laugh when I needed it. Truth be told, he was one the only guys I knew that I actually respected.
Our friendship wasn’t built around a physical thing but in the end it was a part of who we were together. So, now I am left wondering if it’s possible to have all those things that I loved about our friendship without all the physical stuff.
The honest answer is that I don’t know. But here’s what I do know.
I know that I kind of feel like I could be playing with fire. I know all the reasons against it. And, if I wasn’t aware of them, he made me aware when he said he wasn’t sure if we could just be friends years ago. I have no desire to be the other woman – in any way. I don’t care if it’s physical or flirting over the internet, that stuff can’t happen here.
I know that I might end up in a situation that could potentially be bad for all parties involved. I don’t say that to brag or anything. I am just pointing out that I am well aware of it. But to completely dismiss a possible friendship with a guy that once meant a lot to me doesn’t seem smart either. Actually, it goes completely against all of my core beliefs about everything.
I believe if you see the bad, you have to see the good. So, I don’t feel right about only looking at the bad. I have to look at the good. And, the truth is, the good far outweighs the bad. I mean, to be totally honest here, I have wished for this for some time. I know that sounds dumb but I have. I have wanted him to contact me. I never wanted to stop being friends with him.
I also know that maybe he could just be a jerk. Maybe I never knew him the way that I thought I did. Maybe he’s not trying to be friends but just misses all the fun and flirting we had. Maybe he’s lonely. I could think of about 100 maybes. None of them are good.
And, I know that if we are going to be friends, it can’t be the same as it was before. We can’t be the friends who flirt like crazy and talk about having sex with each other in secret code. I also know that I am afraid that’s just not possible.
In the end, I just feel that it’s worth the risk because I really have no idea what will happen. I know what we were like before but we were like that because we could be. We were both single. But now he’s different. I am different. Maybe we can different. Who knows what can happen this time? I owe it to myself to find out.