Ask the Hard Questions

I often hear stories about how people break up after several years of dating because they want different things in life. And this has always been something that’s puzzled me. Not that I want to sound like I am judging or anything here. It’s more that I just don’t understand how you could be with someone for so long but not have ever had a conversation about the hard questions.

I guess I just believe that before a relationship heads down the serious-long-term road, you have to have conversations about the things that you want in life.  I think it’s important to know you’re on the same page about where you see your life going and how you want to end up. I would actually say it’s just as important as that whole conversation about where things are going between the two of you.

And maybe people are having these conversations, but they’re just not being completely honest about the answers they’re giving.  But that’s actually an important point too – not only do you have to have the hard conversations, you also have to be totally honest when you’re answering them. You have to be open and honest about what you want (and don’t want).

I get that it’s hard and sometimes seems a little scary.  If you’ve finally met someone that you really seem to click with you don’t want to do anything to mess that up. It’s also a pretty deep conversation to have which can obviously be a little intimidating.

And let’s be clear here -- it doesn’t need to be on the first date or anything. In fact, I would say that’s not the best idea since talks of babies, marriage, and houses with white picket fences don’t go over too well when you’re only a couple hours in.  It’s cool to do it whenever it feels right for your relationship. Just as long as you do it some point before things get too heavy and serious.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that you have to want exactly the same things or you’re doomed. I’m also not saying there’s some kind of guarantee you’ll find ever after if you do want all the same things. I also know that things aren’t black and white. But, ultimately, you need to know where a person stands on things (and they need to know where you stand) if you’re going to keep moving forward and have a future with them. 

How To Travel As a New Couple

As someone who is part of a fairly new couple, I’ve had a whole lot of new experiences lately. And one of the biggest has been traveling. We road tripped to the Midwest for Christmas and have made a couple of trips to Atlantic City. I am happy to say that those trips have gone pretty fantastic. Obviously those aren’t crazy huge trips (though we have some of those in the works), but, nevertheless, I’ve learned a couple of things. 

Head on over to We Love Dates to read a few of my ideas on how to travel as a new couple. And, you know, still have fun and not kill each other.

Things I Don’t Understand: Expecting a Man to Automatically Know What You Want

Lately I have noticed this saying rolling around on Twitter:

Whenever a woman says ‘do whatever you want’ do not do whatever you want.

Photo courtesy of  1950sUnlimited (Flickr)

Or, you know, some kind of form of it. And every time I see it, it’s like nails on a chalkboard. So I am pretty sure the blogging Gods were just begging me to write about it.

So clearly this is a saying that I don’t understand. Seriously. It makes no sense to me at all. And honestly, as a woman, it annoys the crap out of me.

There’s this idea that women want men to read our minds. They should just know what to do at all times. And then it’s OK to get mad if they do the “wrong” thing because they were supposed to know it’s wrong.

Now, before I go any further, let me make it clear that I am not denying that there are women who are like this. I am 100 percent positive there are. I am just saying it’s a little crazy to say all  women are like that. Some of us aren’t. Some of us get how ridiculous that is. And some of us don’t think it’s acceptable to behave like that.

I am going to let you in on a little secret, ladies. Men are humans just like us. <GASP!> They don’t always know what you’re thinking and they shouldn’t have to. If you want something, you should tell them. And if you don’t and they do the “wrong” thing, you really can’t get mad about it.

A couple of weeks ago Mr. T and I were trying to figure out our weekend plans. He said there might be things happening in his neighborhood, but he would come to Brooklyn if I wanted him to. I was honest -- I said I would rather him come to Brooklyn, but if things were going on near him with his friends and he wanted to do that then I was fine with coming there.

And, yes, I truly was. If he had asked me to come there I wouldn’t have complained because I said it was OK. If I really didn't want to I should have just said that and I would have. But he ended up coming to Brooklyn. It wasn’t a big deal. He asked what I wanted, I told him, and he did it. Such an amazing process, really.

I am not saying I am perfect or that we always do everything that I want. I have my moments where I’m afraid that asserting what I want will make me look like the bossy, annoying girlfriend. And I think that’s a common fear amongst women and I know sometimes that’s why we hold back; especially with a boyfriend.

All I am saying is that you can't expect someone to know what you want unless you tell them. You don't need to be obnoxious and bratty about it (actually don't do that, ever). But you can’t just sit back and expect a man (or anyone) to magically know and then get mad when they don’t. That’s a pretty unrealistic (and unfair) expectation. Plus, it’s probably never going to happen so isn’t it easier to just tell them?

Is Dating Dead?

I love my friends. They are always sharing interesting things on Facebook and the other day one of them shared this article about the change in dating. And clearly I feel compelled to put my two cents in.

Essentially the article talks about how dating has changed or, I guess, it really talks about how traditional dating might officially be dead. We’ve gone from a culture who plans extravagant, romantic dates days ahead of time to a culture that asks “what’s up” at 10:30pm on a Friday night.

So, before I go any further, let me say that I am a little older than the age that the article references. I am 32 and the article generally references those in their 20s. Not a huge difference or anything, but could be partially responsible for my opinion on all of this.

Now, for my two cents.

No, I don’t think dating is dead. It’s just changed (and that’s not necessarily a bad thing).

The word dating gets thrown around a lot and I think that’s part of the problem here. Everyone classifies everything as dating. A guy asks for your number and wants to meet for coffee; it’s a date. You meet a guy from a dating site; it’s a date. We are too quick to categorize things as a date just because it involves the opposite sex. And, of course we assume (or at least hope) that this dating stuff might turn into a relationship or maybe more. But we are getting way too far ahead of ourselves (and that’s another part of our problem here).

The dating landscape has changed a ton. Sometimes a guy just wants to explore things with you one on one. Maybe she wants to be friends or thinks you have a friend who is hot. Hell, I don’t know, but the point is not everything is a date.

There’s also hooking up which I think comes into play here. But let’s be honest hooking up isn’t dating it’s hooking up. It’s super easy to confuse the two or classify the casual hooking up crap as dating, but it’s really not. And a person if only texting you as an afterthought, that’s a casual thing my friends.

Also, as a side note, people in their 20s and/or college age are not the only ones who embrace hooking up. Just sayin’.

I often wonder if it’s because people just don’t want to admit that they are in something casual. Or maybe they are hoping this something casual will turn into something substantial. Or maybe it’s just easier to say you’re dating than to get into the nitty gritty. Whatever it is, the casual stuff isn’t dating.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to make it sound like I am judging or anything. I’ve done the whole casual thing or friends with benefits or whatever you want to call it before. But I can honestly tell you that it just doesn’t go like that when you’re dating someone.

Things are much different than that with Mr. T (and have been since we met). I mean, I wouldn’t rule out the possibility of one of us texting each other while we are out to see what’s up, but the bulk of our dates aren’t planned that way (and they shouldn’t be when you’re dating). We kind of have a combination – some of our dates are planned far in advance, some are last minute, and some we have the general idea and then finalize everything the day before/of.

I’m also not sure if I buy into this idea that people don’t know how to date. I mean, I think people do or they would at least be willing to figure it out if they met a person they wanted something with. It’s not really that hard. And, since you need to figure out what works for you, most of dating is all trial and error anyway.

I could go on a lot more about this, but at the end of the day I honestly believe that people are settling and maybe even being a little lazy about dating. Finding someone you really want to be with and who treats you well is not an easy task. But why should it be?

Sure, dating has changed, but that doesn’t mean you still can’t find what you want. If someone is treating you casually, I would wager a guess that they only feel casually about you. And if that’s not what you’re into, why are you sticking around? Why just assume that this is all there is? Be honest with yourself and other people about what you truly want and set out to find it.

(And please, for the love of everything, stop thinking everything is a date.)

Things I don’t Understand: No One That Makes Your Cry Is Worth the Tears

Photo courtesy of Annie Christabel (Flickr)

Excuse me for a moment while I rant.

I have been known to like (and post) a few quotes here and there. And I know that some of them are really cheesy, but in spite of their ultra-cheesiness I still firmly believe in what they say. However, there is one that I see rolling around all the time that I just don’t understand. At all.

What is that quote you ask? Well, that nifty saying “no one that makes you cry is worth the tears” would be it. And, you know, all the other variations of it.

First things first, let me say that I totally get the idea behind the quote. We all know I have had my share of crappy relationships and tragically awful happenings with dates. In other words, to say that I have never cried over some jerky guy would be a total lie. And I get that those guys are not worth my tears (and that they aren’t worth dating).

The part that I don’t get is that this quote (and other variations of it) implies that the good people in your life will never ever upset you, hurt you, or make you cry. And, I have to say I think that’s just a load of crap.

Don’t get me wrong, and let me be totally clear here, if you are with a person who treats you like, you should obviously take the steps get rid of that person. But expecting to never have hurt feelings in a relationship is just plain unrealistic. And saying that the person you’re in a relationship with isn’t worth anything because they made you cry is crazy pants.

And it’s not that I am cynical or anti-romance. It’s just the simple fact that we are human beings. We do things sometimes, often unintentionally. Sometimes those things hurt. But that doesn’t mean that person is some terrible, horrible, awful person.

Stop Looking for Clues

We all know that liking someone can be a really scary thing. You wonder if they feel the same or where things will go. And it creates all that crazy fear that tends to drive a person crazy.

I was thinking about this the other day and it led me to think about how people often look for clues about how another person feels. And, honestly, I think this is a bad idea. When you look for clues, all you do is set yourself up for failure.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not saying you shouldn't be aware of the things someone does to show they care. You should totally be aware of that kind of stuff. And when you have that AHA moment, run with it. But there is a difference between noticing the things that are going on around you and actually looking for something.

When you're actively looking for clues, you kind of change the way you go about things. You end up setting things up so this person  can deliver clues. You know, like sending a text and then being oh so certain about the way they'll respond.

And that can cause a whole lot of issues:

• No one ever responds the way we want them to because that's just the way human interactions work. We don't all think and behave the same way. So even if you set something up for the perfect delivery, it might never get there.
• When the person doesn't answer the "right" way, you assume there is something wrong. When in reality there is nothing wrong at all, they're just giving the response that came to them.
• Shit just gets weird and annoying. Suddenly all your conversations revolve around you fishing for clues about feelings. It can even feel like you're that gal (or guy) who only wants to talk about feelings which probably isn't that same awesome gal he started dating (or guy she started dating).

It's also unfair because it's setting them up for failure too. And it's making you think there are issues in the relationship that aren't actually here. Clearly that's just crazy pants.

So, honestly, if you're confused about what someone thinks, ask them. Really. You don't have to be weird about it or anything, but it's OK to clear things up when you don't understand.

You can also wait until the signs present themselves, naturally. Because they will, I promise. And, honestly, it's a whole lot better when someone says something on their own and you have an aha moment rather than them just saying it because you set it up that way. It's kind of like fishing for compliments. Those are way better when they happen naturally too. It's all far more genuine.