Mr. (Or Miss) Just Not Quite Right

Breaking up sucks. I am pretty sure I have written that a time or two on this blog (and in other articles). But really, it does. It doesn’t matter if you’re the breaker or the breakee; it sucks. And it really sucks when you have that feeling that it's just not quite right.

I think it tends to be a little easier when you don’t click or want totally different things in life or when the person is just a plain old crazy douche bag. It gives you a solid reason as to why things could never work. And it makes you feel good (and confident) about your decision.

But sometimes none of those things exist and you really don’t have a concrete reason. You just know that something’s not quite right and you know that you don’t see a future with this person. And that’s when things get tricky.

At first you probably convince yourself that maybe you just need to give it more time or maybe he/she should just meet your friends and then you’ll change your mind. Maybe you'll learn to like them more over time. Then you probably go through a stage where you think it’s you. Maybe you’re afraid of commitment. Maybe you’re being too quick to judge.  Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

The honest truth is sometimes a person is a perfectly upstanding human being.  They’re nice and funny and you don’t have an awful time with them. But there is just something about them or the way you are together that doesn’t make them quite right for you. And it’s OK to end things when there is nothing obviously "wrong" with the person.

Let’s all take a moment to be honest here -- it takes a lot more to like a person than them just being nice. And it surely takes more than that to want something substantial with them. There are many factors that go into that kind of thing and relationships are a big deal. It's OK if you're not feeling it and it's OK if you can’t quite put your finger on it. The fact is sometimes people just don’t click and there’s no concrete explanation for it.

If I've learned one thing from my relationship with Mr. T, it's what it's like to feel like you click with someone. To be sure of someone and something. I know I want to be with him. I get excited when I have a date with him or even when he texts me. I don't know how this will all pan out, but I know I want to be with him for the foreseeable future. And I think those kinds of things are important when you're with someone.

I know that in the beginning, it's normal to be unsure and explore things. I also know that ending things can be incredibly hard; especially when you're ending things with someone who is a genuinely decent human being. I also don’t think we should get too obsessed with sparks and connections. This isn’t some sort of fairytale thing.

But the truth is there comes a time when you know what you want or don't want. And if your gut is telling you something isn’t right it probably isn’t and you don’t need to mull over it for weeks and weeks to create this grand explanation. It is what it is. And, frankly, sticking around is unfair to everyone involved.

Sometimes breaking it off is actually the nice thing to do. It might not seem like it at the time- to them or to you. But you’re giving them a chance to go out and find someone who is really sure about them. Someone who knows they want to be with them. How can that ever be a bad thing?

Coffee Meets Bagel Reality Series, Ep 1

My pals over at Coffee Meets Bagel just sent this lovely clip to me and I thought it was worth sharing with all of you. It’s part 1 of a 3-part series about two New Yorkers finding love via Coffee Meets Bagel (with help from with the help of Dave & Stephanie from My Almost Married Life). 

Introducing: Put This on Your List

Photo courtesy of Mattox (stock.xchng) 

I’m a big fan of features. When I lived in Chicago I wrote about date spots and that was a pretty big hit. Also, when I first moved here I started a little something called “Things I Want To Do This Month”. It was a lot of fun because it helped me share all of my new adventures and helped me figure out all of the things I wanted to do in NYC. I’d also like to think it gave other people some ideas too. But it was problematic because it didn’t allow for much randomness. And let’s face it, if you have ever lived/visited NYC you know there is all kinds of random experiences here.

But, as I was hanging around with Mr. T over the weekend I realized how much I missed the awesome parts of that feature. So, I’ve decided to start a new one that gives me the stuff I liked and allows me to do a whole lot more.

Allow me to introduce a little something I’d like to call “Put This on Your List” where each week I will bring you a little something that you need to add to your life’s to-do list. It might be a spot to visit, a great date idea, a recipe, a beauty product, or really just anything else that I think is fantastic and worth checking out.

Be on the lookout for the first one next week!

Stimulate Your Sexual Health with Sex Cereal

Oh Canada.

I was watching the news the other day when I saw something about sex cereal. Yes, you read that right. It was a quick clip and I was on my first cup of coffee so I thought maybe I was making it up in my head. But, after a quick Google search, I discovered I wasn’t totally crazy – sex cereal is a legit thing.

As the website boasts, it’s the first cereal of its kind. There is one blend for her and one for him because, ya know, we all need different things to get our libido going.

For her (photo from Sex Cereal website)

Now, I am not going to argue that perhaps this cereal does have some key ingredients to keep men and women healthy.  Our bodies are different. We take different vitamins and such. So, sure, I am on board there.

And, sure, maybe some of those things might help things out in the bedroom some. I mean, good health in general helps your sex drive, right? Or maybe it’s like buying new underwear or going on some romantic vacation. There are certain things that put us in the mood because of the feeling it creates.

For him (photo from Sex Cereal website)

But, I think calling it sex cereal is probably more of a clever marketing scheme than anything. And sure I haven’t tried it, but if you read the testimonials I don’t think my stances is that far off. Most of them boast about the flavor and the “romance” of it all, but I don’t see many that talk about an improvement in sex life.

What do you all think? Has anyone out there tried it? 

What It Means To Be Feminine

Warning: I don’t want to get all crazy women’s lib here, but I am going to geek out with some sociological perspective.  After reading this article, I felt the need to throw in my two cents.

What irks me about the article isn’t really the fact that she uses the word submissive. I mean, yes hearing that word is kind of like hearing nails on a chalkboard. But what really drives me nuts is the whole “what it truly means to be feminine” thing.

As someone who has a degree in Sociology and who studied a lot about gender, I believe that women are feminine because they are women (crazy, I know). But really. Femininity shouldn’t be something defined by society and there isn’t necessarily one overall definition for it. Instead, we define it for ourselves. It doesn’t take acting a certain way or wearing frilly pink bows to be feminine. You’re free to be tough, like sports and cars. You’re also free to like those frilly pink bows if you want. You’re just free to be you –whoever that is -- and it’s considered an expression of femininity (your femininity) because you’re a woman.  (And, likewise, the same is true for men.)

Now, I know that a lot of people would disagree with this, but I can honestly tell you that I don’t fit that traditional mold of what it means to be feminine. I guzzle beer like the world is about to end. I am loud. I challenge things. And I have to tell you that I don’t feel any less feminine than a woman who is a bit more traditional.

I guess the thing for me is that I don’t have an issue with submissive women. Or women who are in very traditional gender roles. Or the women dressed in pink frilly bows. If that’s who you are, more power to you. What I do take issue with is this idea that I have to behave a certain way based solely on the fact that I am a woman. And this idea that it’s OK for other women to say what’s truly feminine.

Ask the Hard Questions

I often hear stories about how people break up after several years of dating because they want different things in life. And this has always been something that’s puzzled me. Not that I want to sound like I am judging or anything here. It’s more that I just don’t understand how you could be with someone for so long but not have ever had a conversation about the hard questions.

I guess I just believe that before a relationship heads down the serious-long-term road, you have to have conversations about the things that you want in life.  I think it’s important to know you’re on the same page about where you see your life going and how you want to end up. I would actually say it’s just as important as that whole conversation about where things are going between the two of you.

And maybe people are having these conversations, but they’re just not being completely honest about the answers they’re giving.  But that’s actually an important point too – not only do you have to have the hard conversations, you also have to be totally honest when you’re answering them. You have to be open and honest about what you want (and don’t want).

I get that it’s hard and sometimes seems a little scary.  If you’ve finally met someone that you really seem to click with you don’t want to do anything to mess that up. It’s also a pretty deep conversation to have which can obviously be a little intimidating.

And let’s be clear here -- it doesn’t need to be on the first date or anything. In fact, I would say that’s not the best idea since talks of babies, marriage, and houses with white picket fences don’t go over too well when you’re only a couple hours in.  It’s cool to do it whenever it feels right for your relationship. Just as long as you do it some point before things get too heavy and serious.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that you have to want exactly the same things or you’re doomed. I’m also not saying there’s some kind of guarantee you’ll find ever after if you do want all the same things. I also know that things aren’t black and white. But, ultimately, you need to know where a person stands on things (and they need to know where you stand) if you’re going to keep moving forward and have a future with them.