Friendships Are Important Too

I've been meaning to post for a long time about friendships, but I've held back for a few different reasons. Honestly, I think I just wasn’t sure exactly what to write because I have a lot of feelings about this subject. Then, I was reading a lovely and well-written post over on Bright Lights, My City and it kind of inspired me a little. Partially because I thought hallelujah I am not the only gal who feels this way.

When it comes to friendships, I believe two things.

Friendships are some of the most important relationships you’ll ever have in life. Friendships don’t automatically take the backseat just because something or someone else comes along.

Anyone who tells you making friends is easy is a liar. Let me clarify. Meeting people is totally easy. Finding people you like hanging out with? Also, totally easy. But true, genuine friendships are a whole other beast.

Because of these two things, I take friendships really serious. When my friends hurt, I hurt. When they are happy, I am happy. And when shit goes down with the friendship, you find a way to work it out.

I guess in a way I believe that friendships are a lot like dating. After all, a friendship is a relationship, right? It takes work. There are challenges and problems that come up. But, just like how you work at it with your significant other, you work at it with your friends.

Now, don’t get me wrong here. I am not saying I am the perfect friend or that you should let your friends walk all over you (or make you jump through hoops). And, I am well aware that sometimes friendships aren’t meant to last until the end of time. Sometimes two people just aren’t compatible as friends. But, I can’t help but wonder if, more often than not, it’s more a matter of hurt feelings and misunderstandings rather that incompatibility.

And, I have to say that if you happen upon a new situation and you start losing friends, it’s probably not because your friends are jealous. It also might not be because things have changed and you’re on different pages now. It could be, but it’s pretty likely that it’s not.

Many years ago when my sister was first married and first started having babies we had a really rough time. We had always been close, but it seemed like we were on totally opposite sides of the world. After some fighting, rough patches, and a whole lot of hurt feelings we were able to work through it. It wasn’t easy, but we worked through it because having a relationship meant something to us. We knew we had to try to work things out if we wanted a relationship and we did. Now, even though our lives are still totally different, she’s one of the closest people to me. And my life wouldn’t be the same without that relationship.

And, I know what you’re thinking – but Jess, that’s your sister. But being sisters doesn’t mean being friends or being close. We are friends because we want to be friends. Because we make it work. We try to understand each other. Even when it’s hard.

On Living Together

I’ve never lived with a guy but I assume someday I will. Unless, of course, we are one of those couples who have separate apartments. Though, sometimes I kind of think I’m OK with that. I mean I wouldn’t want to live separately but I don’t see the harm in having a place to go to every once in a while

But, honestly, that whole living together thing kind of freaks me out because there are certain things I just don’t think other people need to see me do.

• I like to color my hair in my underwear while listening to the adult alternative music channel.
• Sometimes I sit on the couch and watch the same movie over and over and it’s never a good movie but something lame and cheesy. I also don’t want to be interrupted during this time (see how that other place could come in handy).
• I eat melted cheese on a plate. Literally just melted cheese on a plate. (try it, I promise you’ll like it)
• When I am sick I don’t always shower. So I end up wearing the same clothes for three days, they’re likely to have chicken soup on them. And I end up with greasy hair that’s matted on one side and a crazy nest on the other. (there’s also usually crumbs in the bed and even I hate that)
• Sometimes Justin Bieber pops up on Spotify or Pandora and I don't change it.
• I eat peanut butter out of the jar and almost always lick the knife after I spread it on toast.

Seriously, what dude is going to want to have sex with me after that? I mean, I kind of think if a dude really loves me he will accept me and all of the above. After all, I will accept him and all of his craziness too. But still, there’s a little part of me that wonders how this will all go down some day.

Let's Just Be Friends

I started this week with all these thoughts and ideas for posts. I had them on my sticky notes on my computer and my recorder and I really planned on getting back into posting three times a week or so. But then, Sunday happened. And I am pretty sure this is the longest post I have ever written but I figured it’s OK since I owe you a few.

Those of you who read this blog regularly or who know me in person know that for the past month or so there has been a guy. I mentioned him slightly in this post but I haven’t really said much about him because I wanted to figure out what was happening and how I felt about him in private.

So, let me start with the good.

I met him off of OkCupid a little over a month ago. We talked for far longer than I think I have ever talked to any guy, but he’s new to online dating and he seemed interesting so I felt it was an easy exception. On our first date, I wasn’t totally sure about him. I thought he was attractive, funny, and super easy to talk to but I didn’t know how it would all go down. But that’s not really something you’re supposed to know on a first date anyway.

We hung out a second time and I really started to like him and after our third date, I was hooked. And not hooked in the “let’s be exclusive” way but just in a way that I knew this is a guy I wanted to spend more time with. I knew I liked him. Our third date was on a Sunday and we had planned to grab a bite and maybe a walk so we could end the evening early. You know, because we both had to get up early the next morning. But, our walk turned into what we should do next which turned into drinks at a bar and then drinks at another bar and then ending the evening in the wee hours of the morning.

Being with him was just easy. He made me laugh and he laughed at me. He was so easy to talk to and before I knew it, like three hours had flown by. Truth be told, I felt things with him that I hadn’t felt in a while. And I don’t mean those kinds of feelings. I just mean I really wanted to try to have something with this guy. I wanted to let him in. I wanted to get to know him. Things with him felt real.

Well, now for the bad part.

Sunday night, we had a grueling two hour conversation that started with him telling me that he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. It made me want to vomit and I had to fight back tears. It was honestly a little unexpected. We had talked over the weekend and I just saw him and the date went well.

He then went on to tell me that somehow he thought that I thought that he was my boyfriend. And the things that were happening between us made him feel like we were in a serious relationship and he just wasn’t ready for that (he’s newly out of a long relationship). Now, I honestly don’t know where he got this from. First, we had just had a conversation about how he didn’t want to rush things. He told me he liked me and didn’t want to stop seeing me or anything but just wanted to go slow and I was totally fine with that. Second, never have I ever referred to this guy as my boyfriend. In fact, he even referred to himself as single in front of me and it didn’t even phase me. So, seriously, I didn’t understand where this was coming from.

Then, I guess somehow he had the impression that I was mad at him for times that he couldn’t hang out with me. This is something that seems to be a pretty big fear of his because of his past relationship. Again, no idea where he got this from considering any time that he hasn’t been able to hang out, I’ve responded with something along the lines of “cool, maybe we can get together another day.” Over Memorial Day weekend we kept trying to make plans but failed because stuff kept coming up (for him) and I never said anything. So, again, seriously I didn’t understand where this was coming from.

We decided to be friends even though I am a little leery of that because we all know how things went down with Mr. BST but I wanted to try because I believe you have to treat every situation different. I kind of felt as though he liked me but he’s just legitimately freaked out. But, his updates on social media yesterday left me feeling otherwise. Read that as I felt like he liked someone else.

I have since learned that’s not that case and it’s also reminded me why Facebook is the devil. So we are still going to try the friends thing. I know it might be a bad idea because I really don’t know how it’s all going to happen. But, I genuinely would like to continue to have this guy in my life. I value people for who they are not what they are. And he means something to me.

I am still a little confused with the whole dating thing but regardless of what it is the outcome is still the same – he just wants to be friends. Despite the confusion, I have managed to learn a few things here. I am a firm believer that you should learn something from situations like this. That’s part of the point of dating.

First, I think I can handle this whole relationship thing. I confessed quite some time ago that I am ready for one but I will also confess that I was scared of how I was going to react when that happened. Now I know that when I really like a guy I will give him a chance.

Second, I want a guy who wants me and who will be willing to try no matter what it takes. I guess this is technically something that was reiterated to me. Everyone is scared of relationships for one reason or another but being in a relationship isn’t about not being afraid it’s about realizing the reward is so much greater (and also that the person you’re with is worth it). I want a guy who feels the same way.

Third, I want a guy who doesn’t make assumptions about me (yet another point that was reiterated to me). While I thought this guy was getting to know me he wasn’t really listening to who I am, at least not when it comes to all that relationship stuff. He took my sweet gestures and desire to be with him as signs that I was demanding and overly possessive. That’s so not who I am at all.

Don’t get me wrong, no hard feelings here at all. This is all a part of dating. So, I am just going to hope/believe in this friends thing. And I am also going to hope that the confusion will subside.

Can Someone Steal What Isn't Yours?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the whole concept of stealing. And not stealing things from a store or a bank but more the relationship kind of stealing.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the whole concept of stealing. And not stealing things from a store or a bank but more the relationship kind of stealing.

You have two people who are in a committed relationship. One of them cheats and then decides to end the relationship to be with the person they are cheating with. Or you have two friends. One of them really likes a guy but then the other ends up dating him. All too often situations like these leave a person scorned and they start raving “she stole him from me.”

This is a concept that I can’t really get on board with because someone can’t steal something that isn’t yours. It’s a pretty simple concept for me.

Now, let me get a couple of things out of the way. I am not talking about actual property here. It’s pretty obvious that someone could take your watch or your earrings or what have you. And I am also not referring to people as property. I don’t think that your boyfriend or girlfriend is yours in that kind of sense.

And, I am not saying it doesn’t hurt when someone cheats or when the guy you like decides he wants to date your best friend. I have been cheated on and I have had guys dump me because they wanted to be with my friends. It hurts like hell.

But that’s kind of the thing here. I honestly feel that if someone wants to be with you – I mean truly wants to be with you in every sense of the concept – then that’s that.  There is nothing that can come in between that. Sure, they might feel connections with other people or think other people are attractive but, at the end of the day, you’re the person they want to come home to.

That doesn’t mean that people won’t cheat or make mistakes – we are all human after all. And it’s not that I am condoning that kind of thing, I am just saying that things happen in relationships and how to handle it is up to the people involved.

Ultimately, I just believe that when two people really belong together each person has that thing that no one else has. And, together, as a couple, they have that thing that no one else has. So no matter what comes along it simply can’t break that bond.

Yes, I realize this could be the corniest idea of love ever. But I am not talking about soul mates or destiny here. I am just talking about the desire to be with another person. And even though I am somewhat cynical I still believe there is real, true genuine love out there. But that’s a whole other blog post.

Sex Can Change Everything

Remember Red, my former friends with benefits, who randomly decided to come back into my life a couple of months ago? Well, I am happy to report that it didn’t end up being what I was afraid of – a guy who just wanted to cheat on his wife. But, the more we talk, the more I am realizing that our friendship has forever changed.  

Remember Red, my former friends with benefits, who randomly decided to come back into my life a couple of months ago? Well, I am happy to report that it didn’t end up being what I was afraid of – a guy who just wanted to cheat on his wife. But, the more we talk, the more I am realizing that our friendship has forever changed.  

We’ve had a lot of conversations and we both agreed that we genuinely want to be friends. We also agreed that it’s nice being in each other’s lives again and we don’t want to do anything stupid to compromise that.

However, there is just one little piece of all of this that kind of worries me. Actually, let’s be honest here – it’s a pretty big piece and it worries me a whole lot. His wife has no idea that we are friends again.

And, trust me, I am well aware of how wrong and dirty that sounds. But, honestly, we aren’t doing anything wrong. That is, we are just friends again. I mean, there isn’t anything physical or sexual going on between us. We aren’t plotting to sleep together or run away together. It’s just friends.

But, even though our friendship is harmless now, Red’s wife knows about our past. She knows who I am and what happened between us. So while part of me thinks what’s the big deal the other part of me knows it’s obviously a little hard to say “hey honey, remember that chick that I used to hook up with all the time? Well, I Googled her, emailed her, and now we’ve decided to become friends again. Cool?” And as much as I want to believe in understanding and acceptance, I am sane enough to know that no person in their right mind is going to be OK with that.

So now I wonder. Is it truly possible to be friends with someone when your friendship is a secret? I mean the thought that we could be in the same city but not be able to meet for drinks or dinner. The thought that we could pass each other on the street and could possibly pretend to be strangers. All of that is a little heartbreaking to me and I don’t think that’s what friendships are about. I promised myself after Mr. BST that I wouldn’t have relationships in secret. 

And, there’s an even bigger thought. If he can’t tell his wife that we’re friends, that makes what we are doing wrong. After all, omission is betrayal. I don’t believe that husbands and wives have to tell each other every minute detail, but I do believe this detail is a little too big to leave out.

So, even though we genuinely want to be friends again, there is this huge thing hanging over all that and frankly, it sucks because I really missed having him in my life. And I never thought that we’d end up like this. Actually I never really thought about how we would end up at all.

I’m not going to say that I regret anything that I did with Red. I don’t. I don’t really even believe in regrets. But I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a tiny part of me that wonders what it would be like if we had never started hooking up in the first place.

Sex can really change a relationship. I am not going to sit here and say that sex always ruins relationships. I know friends who have had sex and they have come out on the other side as even better friends. So I know it doesn’t always happen. It’s just it did for me.

And I don’t think we will make it to the other side.

A Perfect Example for the Case Against Girl Code

A little while ago, I wrote about my thoughts on girl code. Well, now I also have a story that fits in line with the whole thing perfectly.

A few weeks ago I was having drinks with one of my dearest friends in NYC, Miss Taylor Cast. We were catching up on things and trading some dating stories. She told me about one of the guys she’d recently met. Apparently he was a pretty awesome guy and she had a genuinely good time on their date. They actually made out some at the end of the night. But, he had a kid and that’s a deal breaker for her.

So here is this guy who happens to be cool and single. But, even though that’s true and she liked him, he’s still not a fit for her. That means he’s a fit for someone else.  And then there is me, also cool and single. Technically she could have called “dibs” (or whatever else girls say when they are claiming possession over a guy) but, like I said, not a fit for her.

She sent him a text to let him know she had a friend she thought he might like. He checked out my profile, we sent a few messages and exchanged numbers. We’ve been chatting and are making a plan to meet.

Now, obviously I don’t know what will happen but the principle is what’s important here. If you run around screaming "girl code" then someone else misses out on the chance and that’s just ridiculous. And, if you believe in fate and plans, maybe this is the way that we were supposed to meet. Maybe he wasn’t actually meant for her. Who knows?

I’d like to consider this a prime example as to why I think girl code is a load of crap. You just never know what can happen. It’s also what happens when people act like grown-ups and realize there is a lot more to worry about rather than who met who first.

Oh, and she also didn’t pull the “I’ll fix you up but here is a list of things you can’t do together” kind of thing. She’s actually cheering me on.