Dating shouldn't be segregated

Yesterday I received a less than flattering comment through the contact form on my personal website. And while I am not a fan of those comments because they are a total blow to the ego that is not technically what this post is about but it's important to mention because it made me think and it's largely what has inspired this post.

The comment started out by attacking my writing skills, which is fine. I know that my writing style isn't for everyone and I mean, everyone can use a little constructive criticism once in a while. Technically I am not sure how constructive this was but nevertheless it's fine. Then the comment went on to talk about how I should stop looking for a superstar guy and just be content with an average one. Of course I can only wonder how this person even came to the conclusion that I am looking for a so-called superstar guy.

Anyway, I tweeted something about this very thing and one of my friends who writes a blog called the Big Girl Blog sent me a tweet back about how she had just posted about this very thing. The post (which you can read here) described things that I have felt so many times. Actually it was kind of comforting to hear someone else think some of the same things that I do.

Now, I don't believe that this person who sent me the comment was saying anything particular about the fact that I am not a skinny woman, but rather it was more towards either a) my looks (there is a head shot on my website) or b) the fact that I don't come from some fancy schmancy background.. Regardless, though, the idea is still the same.

And again, this post is not about the comment itself but the idea. It's the perception that if I am just an average everyday person then I should only be looking to date those that are average like me. Apparently dating should be segregated and I should only date within my own kind. Whatever that means.

I learned at a very early age that I was not the "type" of girl that most boys my age would be attracted to. I grew up in a very small town where I was taller than most of the boys by the time I was in the 8th grade. That might not seem like it's that big of a deal but when you are one of the only girls who is taller than all the boys at school trust me it is a big deal. Couple that with the fact that I wasn't skinny and it's pretty easy to see why I felt self conscious. Boys my age wanted the cute petite cheerleaders, not the tall chubby artsy girls.

Through the years I kind of developed this take what you can get kind of attitude. If a guy was interested in me - any guy - I thought that I should consider myself lucky that at least some guy liked me. I mean, with all of the hot girls (the girls that I assumed were better than I was) this guy decided he wanted to like me so I should appreciate that and not even question it.

I don't mean to sound like I think that there is anything wrong with dating a so-called average person because I don't think that at all. I actually don't even think of people in terms of who is average or who is better than the other. The idea of what's average (or above average, below average, etc) really depends on the person and there's just too many factors to consider there. As long as you are attracted to the person, they treat you well and you are happy that's all that really matters. Well technically there are probably a couple of other important things, but you get the idea.

The problem here is that the guys I dated didn't treat me well and they didn't make me happy. In fact I ended up dating a guy who stole my parents credit card. He also really just used me because I let him drive my car and he would go see other women with my car. I also dated a guy who did some very questionable "business transactions" when I wasn't looking. He also borrowed my car to see other women and ended up getting one of them pregnant.

I am not saying that this happens to everyone and I am also not saying that the only choices you have in life are to date a really upstanding perfect model citizen or a guy who steals your parent's credit cards. Clearly there is a whole world in between. All I am saying is that when you have this idea that you can't have what you really want because you are a certain kind of person it is too easy to fall into the trap of settling for whatever you can get.

So just because someone might consider me average doesn't mean I am not allowed to have standards. And just because I have standards doesn't mean I am holding out for some royal famous prince to cross my path. However, I will say that even if I am looking for that kind of guy I think that's perfectly fine too. After all, the word superstar means something very different to everyone.

The bottom line is that I should be allowed to date whatever type of guy that I please. Dating shouldn't be segregated based on how average a person is anymore than it should be segregated based on race, ethnicity, etc.

Dating lessons: Chicago is too small and I attract crazies

For some reason, over the past few weeks, Fridays have seemed to be my day of reflection. I am not really sure why that is but I will go with it. This week I have learned two things. First, Chicago might be a rather big city but it's much smaller than you think. Second, if there is a crazy guy within a 50 mile radius he will find me and want to date me.

A few days ago a woman emailed me about my blog to tell me that she enjoyed reading it and gave me a few other awesome compliments. She also shared with me a couple of her dating catastrophes; one which was about a dude with a kid who lashed out at her.

I replied to tell her thanks and said how it was funny because I was in a similar situation with a guy who had kid who lashed out at me. (Side note here, the guy was doing the lashing not the kid). Then, she replied to say that the guy she dated mentioned being with a woman who blogged and I am pretty sure you can see where this is going. Yes, that is right we discovered we dated the same guy.

Clearly this leads me to believe that Chicago is not as big as I once thought. Either that or I have just dated half the city (please tell me that I am not going to start running out of guys to date). Anyway, the conversation didn't end there and I suddenly found out a whole lot about this guy.

First of all the guy told me that the mother of his child was no longer in the picture. Turns out his "cousin" is not really his cousin but actually the mother of his child (is it fair to say baby mama here?). I am actually still questioning if it is his wife (perhaps cousin means wife where he is from?). I am also still questioning if he was just aiming for a threesome or maybe a second wife. Clearly I will probably never find out.

He also told me that his parents were dead. Yeah, not so much apparently - they are alive and kicking. Oh and his job and driver's license seem to be quite questionable among many other things (like which institution he could have escaped from).

So yes, apparently I totally attract crazy and I can totally laugh at myself for dating this guy. I mean seriously if you can't laugh off these kind of situations you would probably die or at least swear off dating for the rest of your life.

In my defense, I did see a few red flags with this guy. And I know, trust me, I know. But I genuinely think it's fine to let a few minor things slide. It's when it's a big thing or when the little things become a big thing that you need to run. Of course, luckily for me that was when he lashed out at me about my blog. Which in some really weird way kind of makes me think my dating luck isn't that bad after all.

Don't hate...I do date

So I don't normally do this since I understand that "hater" comments are all a part of blogging. I am well aware you can't put yourself out there and expect that every person out there will like what you have to say. And I also know and firmly believe that everyone has an opinion and is entitled to it (the nice girl in me genuinely tries not to offend other people). However, when someone puts something on my blog that is incorrect and disrespectful I kind of feel the need to say something.

Last night, someone posted a comment on my post about defining relationships. The only trace of the person is the name "callout" so I really have no idea who this person is. It was a rather lengthy comment, but I still felt it was important to post the whole thing here.

So I'm just curious. What experience do you have that makes you the authority on dating? Every piece of your "advice" so far can be found in self help books...perhaps your own? Let me guess, you have a rather extensive library at home. You sit around in your pajamas eating ice cream all night reading though your newly aquirred "piece" highlighting all the "oh, this is good, I can use this in my blog!" articles, maybe even skimming off of someone else's dating blog hoping no one will notice. Maybe stay up until 2, 3 AM trying to cleverly re-write said articles so you sound experienced. Come in to work the next day tired, hopped up on coffee and, judging by your photo, a few donuts, telling everyone you were on some date with some random guy the night before...because after all, you're "experienced" right? I have yet to see anything with personal advise. All I see is the same shit straight off other websites and books. For someone that titles themselves a "serial single", perhaps you should switch blogs to "How to be single and happy." Leave dating advise to the folks that have some.

First of all, I do not have a book. Would I like to write one some day? Yes. Do I know exactly what about? No. Sure, I definitely use books and other blogger's posts for inspiration. However, if you read my posts you will see that I clearly state what I was reading that helped me decide to write the post. I never take anyone else's ideas and try to pass them off as my own.

Feel free to check out this post: If he doesn't want to ask you out, try making him jealous (Really?)

My advice comes from personal experiences and what I personally see. Even if I use something I have read for inspiration, it is still my own opinion on the subject. An opinion that is, of course, based on my own personal experiences. While maybe what I say might seem like old news to you, doesn't mean that it is to everyone else.

Feel free to check out this post: Don't act like you don't care about sex on the first date

Second of all, I am not really sure where you got the idea that I don't ever go on dates. Do I talk about each and every date that I go on? No, of course not. I don't for a couple of reasons. I don't want to create the illusion that I date for sport or to have something to write about because that is not the case at all (I actually date because I genuinely want to meet someone). Not every guy is comfortable with me writing about them and I respect that.

Feel free to check out this post: If he doesn't call to get his hat back then he's just not that into you

I don't really feel as though every date I go on needs to be mentioned in my blog. I mean would everyone think it's really all that interesting to read a blog that goes like this:

Last night I went on a date. We had drinks and then dinner. The conversation was great but I am not sure we really connect. So he walked me home. I don't think there will be a second date. The end

I am pretty sure I just bored myself writing that. Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to be rude in anyway but let's face it not every date gives you something to write about and you don't always learn something from every date you go on.

Third of all. Why shouldn't I be happy and single? And why do you assume that because I am happy and single that means that I am not dating or that I would not be just as happy in a relationship? I didn't know that I had to choose one or the other.

Fourth, and finally, what's with the fat reference? Maybe sometimes I do eat ice cream, what's so bad about that? I am not a stick thin girl, I have never once implied that I am one (and clearly I don't think there is anything wrong with that). Though I would like to know how you made those sort of assumptions from seeing only a picture of my head?