His Level of Interest in Me

I wrote a post the other day about how sometimes I find it a little confusing to tell if a guy likes me. I haven’t posted it yet and I am not sure I will because as I was reading it over I realized that there was a reoccurring theme in the post – it was all about if a guy likes me. And, honestly, for a moment I kind of felt a little sad and pathetic. I mean, why is it that I am focusing so much on a guy’s level of interest in me?

Ok, first let’s get this out of the way. When I first meet a guy I am easily confused. Even though I am really good at writing about dating and awesome at telling when a guy likes someone else, I have a hard time when it’s all happening to me. I over analyze, I wonder, I have self-doubt and so on. Most of that isn’t that big of a deal and I think it’s perfectly normal to feel that way.

But, what I realized is that all too often, I worry about if a guy likes me so I can know how I should react to him. It’s almost like I am waiting for them to decide how they feel about me so I can decide if I should be interested in them. And that’s so not the kind of gal I want to be. I mean, what about my interest in them? Why am I not focusing on that?

Take a guy I met a couple of months ago. We went out a couple of times before I went to visit my family. I knew I liked him but I started to become a little unsure about him. But, it seemed like the main reason I was unsure about him was because I didn’t think he was that interested in me. I wasn’t basing it on how we clicked or if I liked him but just his level of interested in me.

Now, I know this situation doesn’t sound that alarming because it’s pretty easy to like someone but then find out they have no interest in you so then you move on. It’s not really that you don’t like them, it’s just that they don’t like you so you move on.

But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that sometimes I try to give a guy a chance because they are interested in me. A month or so ago I met this guy. We totally clicked personality wise but I was not attracted to him at all. I mean it was a case where I knew immediately but because he was interested in me I thought I’d go out with him again and see.

And, trust me, as I write that I am totally scolding myself because I know if we had went out again it wouldn’t have been fair to him at all.

We all want someone to be interested in us. It’s flattering. It gives us the warm fuzzies. And that’s all nice. But it’s not nice to base your level of interest on how much a person wants you. Actually, I would argue that kind of thing doesn’t really even create the warm fuzzies.

I think it’s important to be aware of a person’s level of interest in you but not to be so focused on it that you forget about everything else. And maybe that’s part of what makes that whole idea that you’ll just know true (and such a thrilling idea). After all, if you know then you don’t have to put so much energy into trying to figure it out. 

Chemistry Happens Offline with HowAboutWe.com (Sponsored Post)

We all know what a raging fan I am of HowAboutWe. It’s a really fun and different way to meet people. So, when they decided to launch a campaign all about how chemistry happens offline, clearly I wanted to jump on board.

We all know what a raging fan I am of HowAboutWe. It’s a really fun and different way to meet people. So, when they decided to launch a campaign all about how chemistry happens offline, clearly I wanted to jump on board.

So, the important question is what does that phrase “chemistry happens offline” mean to me? Well, to answer that, I have to start from the beginning.

Once upon a time, when I was a newbie in the land of online dating, I used to think it was super important to talk to a guy on the phone a few times before we met in person. It was my way of seeing if our personalities clicked and, of course, weeding out those that annoyed the crap out of me.

What ended up happening is the quick “hey how’s it going” phone call would turn into four hours of the best conversation ever. The guy was funny, clever, and smart. To say I had a crush would be an understatement – I was totally hooked.

As the days before our date passed, I felt a connection and it was almost like we had some sort of relationship. Then, when the date came, I was more excited than ever. But you know what the really funny part is? I don’t think that I went on more than one date with a single one of those guys. Actually, some of the dates were a quick drink and then he (or I) decided to jet.

Why, do you ask? Because when we actually met in person there was nothing. No spark. No attraction. Nothing. And that’s because real true chemistry happens offline, not online folks.

Chemistry isn’t just if a guy is cool or funny. It’s not just if he makes you smile or says you’re the bee’s knees.  Sure he can tell you about his favorite band or about how he gets really excited about a new opening at a museum. And you can think all those things are really cute over emails and messages online. But you don’t really get to see those things and know how you truly feel about them unless you are physically together. That’s the magic that happens offline.

So, I guess that’s what chemistry happens offline is for me. It’s seeing everything about the person with your own eyes. Being a part of it. Experiencing it. And feeling something for all of it (and for the person).

And, as a part of this fun campaign, HowAboutWe is offering a 33% off any subscription with coupon code vdaylove.

Also, here’s a tidbit more. You can tell them about what it all means to you. Enter in their contest and you could win some cash. Just click here for details.

Don't Just Date The Potential

I am generally the gal who gets it when a guy isn’t into me. That doesn’t mean I like it or that I jump up and down when it happens, it just means I get it. I don’t really sit around wondering what if I had worn this or if we had gone here or what I could have done different that might have made him feel differently. The fact is, life isn’t a romantic comedy so I don’t think someone sees you in a different light and they magically fall madly in love with you. And, I know that not every guy is going to like me.

However, as much as I am able to understand all of this, I have a hard time when there are situational factors that keep us apart (or that make a relationship difficult). And I don’t mean a factor like he has a girlfriend or a wife, I more mean something like distance or an illness. Something that could change or that could get better or be controlled.

It sucks because all you have is this factor. So you are left wondering what would happen if the factor wasn’t there. And, the only thing you can think is, that if the factor wasn’t there, maybe you would be together or you’d at least have one hell of a go at it.

Now, I am fully aware that maybe it’s not actually about this situational factor. Maybe the person just doesn’t want to be with me.

Side note: That’s coincidentally why I hate when people make excuses for why they don’t want to be with someone. It just leaves hope.

But, I also know that sometimes it truly is the situation. And, frankly, that really sucks.

It makes you hold on. You want to try and see if you can hold it together until the factor goes away or gets under control. You want to ride it out because there’s just this one thing standing in your way. And, well, like I said, if you could get past that then you’d be something.

But, I think I’ve come to realize that the situational factor is really no better than someone who’s just not that into you. Ultimately the outcome is the same -- you can’t be together. It doesn’t matter if it’s this weird situation or the lack of interest. Whatever reason, it’s just not going to happen. And I don’t mean to Pollyanna out here, but I truly believe if it’s meant to be, you find a way to work it out.

And, that’s kind of the point. Who really knows if you’d end up together anyway. I mean, you want to believe that you’re perfect for each other but it’s just this one thing keeping you apart. But, really, who knows? Maybe it’s just you holding on to something that you wish would happen.

After all, as a blogger friend pointed out, you can’t date the potential, you have to date the person. And, like it or not, this factor is all a part of who the person is.

Dating shouldn't be segregated

Yesterday I received a less than flattering comment through the contact form on my personal website. And while I am not a fan of those comments because they are a total blow to the ego that is not technically what this post is about but it's important to mention because it made me think and it's largely what has inspired this post.

The comment started out by attacking my writing skills, which is fine. I know that my writing style isn't for everyone and I mean, everyone can use a little constructive criticism once in a while. Technically I am not sure how constructive this was but nevertheless it's fine. Then the comment went on to talk about how I should stop looking for a superstar guy and just be content with an average one. Of course I can only wonder how this person even came to the conclusion that I am looking for a so-called superstar guy.

Anyway, I tweeted something about this very thing and one of my friends who writes a blog called the Big Girl Blog sent me a tweet back about how she had just posted about this very thing. The post (which you can read here) described things that I have felt so many times. Actually it was kind of comforting to hear someone else think some of the same things that I do.

Now, I don't believe that this person who sent me the comment was saying anything particular about the fact that I am not a skinny woman, but rather it was more towards either a) my looks (there is a head shot on my website) or b) the fact that I don't come from some fancy schmancy background.. Regardless, though, the idea is still the same.

And again, this post is not about the comment itself but the idea. It's the perception that if I am just an average everyday person then I should only be looking to date those that are average like me. Apparently dating should be segregated and I should only date within my own kind. Whatever that means.

I learned at a very early age that I was not the "type" of girl that most boys my age would be attracted to. I grew up in a very small town where I was taller than most of the boys by the time I was in the 8th grade. That might not seem like it's that big of a deal but when you are one of the only girls who is taller than all the boys at school trust me it is a big deal. Couple that with the fact that I wasn't skinny and it's pretty easy to see why I felt self conscious. Boys my age wanted the cute petite cheerleaders, not the tall chubby artsy girls.

Through the years I kind of developed this take what you can get kind of attitude. If a guy was interested in me - any guy - I thought that I should consider myself lucky that at least some guy liked me. I mean, with all of the hot girls (the girls that I assumed were better than I was) this guy decided he wanted to like me so I should appreciate that and not even question it.

I don't mean to sound like I think that there is anything wrong with dating a so-called average person because I don't think that at all. I actually don't even think of people in terms of who is average or who is better than the other. The idea of what's average (or above average, below average, etc) really depends on the person and there's just too many factors to consider there. As long as you are attracted to the person, they treat you well and you are happy that's all that really matters. Well technically there are probably a couple of other important things, but you get the idea.

The problem here is that the guys I dated didn't treat me well and they didn't make me happy. In fact I ended up dating a guy who stole my parents credit card. He also really just used me because I let him drive my car and he would go see other women with my car. I also dated a guy who did some very questionable "business transactions" when I wasn't looking. He also borrowed my car to see other women and ended up getting one of them pregnant.

I am not saying that this happens to everyone and I am also not saying that the only choices you have in life are to date a really upstanding perfect model citizen or a guy who steals your parent's credit cards. Clearly there is a whole world in between. All I am saying is that when you have this idea that you can't have what you really want because you are a certain kind of person it is too easy to fall into the trap of settling for whatever you can get.

So just because someone might consider me average doesn't mean I am not allowed to have standards. And just because I have standards doesn't mean I am holding out for some royal famous prince to cross my path. However, I will say that even if I am looking for that kind of guy I think that's perfectly fine too. After all, the word superstar means something very different to everyone.

The bottom line is that I should be allowed to date whatever type of guy that I please. Dating shouldn't be segregated based on how average a person is anymore than it should be segregated based on race, ethnicity, etc.

Chemistry is not the only thing that is important in a relationship

I have mentioned a few times about how important chemistry is to me. Honestly, it's just something that I need in a relationship. And maybe it's a made up idea or something you use as an excuse when you just aren't that into a guy, but for me it is truly important.

Now, when I say chemistry, I don't just mean the desire to make out and jump on top of a guy every time I see him (though that is also included in there). I also mean that feeling that you are completely and utterly crazy for a person. You know, the excited feeling you get when you see a text from him or when he calls you. And the feeling that you are perfectly fine spending a Saturday night with just him on your couch. It's that feeling that it doesn't really matter what you do as long as you are together.

Yes, I know that's incredibly corny but that's all part of it - you don't really care how corny it is. Chemistry can be a really powerful thing. I guess it kind of feels like love, or maybe it is love. I think at the very least it could be the start of love.

I have had chemistry with a handful of guys in my life. Really I have only had that insane crazy about you, mind blowing chemistry with two guys. Neither of those guys really gave me what I wanted in a relationship or what I wanted in a future. Yet I fought so hard to be with them and when it ended I felt like my entire world had ended.

I was spending so much time focusing on the chemistry part that I wasn't allowing myself to really be realistic about what kind of relationship we actually had together. Part of it was the fear that I wouldn't be able to connect with someone on that level again. And the idea that if we had that sort of chemistry then clearly it was meant to be something spectacular.

But now I am realizing that chemistry is not the only thing you need to have in a relationship. Don't get me wrong here, I am not saying that you shouldn't let yourself get all wrapped up in the excitement of all these feelings. I still firmly stand behind the idea that chemistry important. It's just not the only thing that is important.

So, go ahead and be crazy about the guy. Let yourself be excited when he calls. Go ahead and be distracted by thoughts of him all day at work. Think about how awesome it feels to be with him and how much you like when he kisses you. Just don't get so wrapped up in it that you let yourself settle for less than what you deserve. The fact of the matter is dating a guy that you only have chemistry with is the same thing as dating a guy that only looks good on paper.

I know that relationships in real life don't look the way they do in fairy tales, but I truly believe that you should be getting what you want, all of what you want, from the other person. Ultimately the person that you have chemistry with might not necessarily be the right person for you.

Why can't we be friends?

A thought occurred to me the other day - why do I seem to find so many guys that are opposed to being friends? I have had many conversations with guys, both from internet dating sites and just in general, and more often than not I hear things like "I'm not looking to make friends" or "I have enough friends already."

I'm not really even sure if I understand the phrase - I have enough friends. How is that really even possible? Are you really so popular that you have no room left in your life for another friend? I mean, you really can't even entertain the idea at all?

Clearly we believe that friendships will continue until the end of time and I think that's pretty logical. But, let's be honest here, there is really no guarantee. Things happen. Life happens. And people come in and out of your life. Actually, just a few months ago I had a huge falling out with my best friend. It was something I never saw coming but it happened.

Sure, I will admit that technically you don't join an internet dating site to make a friend but if it happens then what is the problem? Let's be technical (again) you don't join social networking sites like Twitter, Facebook, etc to find a date but that happens and people tend to be open to that so why not be open to finding a friend on an internet dating site?

Obviously I know that I am not meant to be friends with everyone in the world. Of course, I'd like to think that I am a likable girl but I know that I am not for everyone (and everyone is not for me). So I am not talking about cases where you meet and really can't stand the person.

I am referring to the cases when the idea of not being friends comes up before you even meet. It generally happens during the conversation about what each of you is looking for. I'm kind of the go with the flow kind of girl and whatever happens, happens. Actually I don't even like it when people ask what I am looking for but that is a whole other blog.

Then the guy starts in his with his whole spiel about how he wants to settle down and doesn't need anymore friends. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with settling down at all. It's just the part about not being friends that rubs me the wrong way. I mean, what happens if we go out and have seemingly good time but there is just no chemistry, no spark, no za za zoom?

Honestly, for me, it is really about being open which is something that I firmly believe in. Not to completely Pollyanna-out here or anything but I genuinely believe you have to be open to life's possibilities because you never know what can happen. And, sure, I can completely understand that there are things people aren't open about - like say robbing a bank or having sex with something really weird in a really strange place. Obviously people have the right to choose their own limits, I can't deny that. However, we are just talking about friendship here and immediately closing the door on the idea just seems a little foolish to me.