Who is Better At Throwing Out The Checklist?

I've never been a fan of checklists. In fact, I actually kind of hate them. So I've never really been the gal to have one. But I know a lot of people who do. And when writing an article about checklists over on We Love Dates, a reader commented that women are better at throwing out the checklist than men.

I found this to be super interesting because I actually think men are far less likely to even have a checklist in the first place. So my curiosities made me decide to do a poll. Head on over to We Love Dates to check out the article and vote.

Keep Your Crazy In Check

You know that moment where you meet someone really great and start to realize that you like them. Then, the fear creeps in and you start to get afraid they don’t like you back. And then comes the madness.

We’ve all been there and it makes sense why this happens -- we want to be liked (especially by someone who we like). And it’s only natural that once all the liking starts, we start to get afraid so we want to look for reassurance. We want the fear to go away.

So what do you do?

Well, lots of people turn to Google or magazines and try to find the latest article that tells the 10 sure fire signs he’s into you. Others do things like posting his text messages on a website for others to analyze. And some just freak out on him for something really stupid all because you were looking for clues and signs that he liked you.

This is what I like to call the crazy. And I think all the Googling, reading articles, and letting others over analyze for you just makes the crazy that much worse.

Seriously. Think about it. You’re trying to be rational about things, but then you read an article or someone’s comment. And it tells you the opposite of what you want to hear. That makes the fear even stronger and the crazy even stronger too.

It’s exhausting and it’s madness.  So what should you really do?

Well, first, keep the crazy in check. Realize that it’s normal to have this fear, but letting it turn you into a mad woman (or man) isn’t normal and it’s not OK. Second, take a deep breath and just give things a little while to see how it all works out.

Really. I know that's not fun and frankly it sucks, but news flash --  there really are no sure fire ways to tell what a person feels about anything, much less how they feel about you after a first date (or a second date or a third date and so on). You don’t need to act like a crazy person to figure any of that out. That’s all part of getting to know them. And it’s all a part of dating.

The fact of the matter is, if a guy (or gal) likes you he (or she) will call you. You will go out again. You’ll meet each other’s friends. You’ll be something. And all of this will happen in time. So just give it them time to make it happen.

And I am not saying that you should wait around for him to call. This isn't that kind of post and we all know that I believe if you're interested, you should go right ahead and show it. I am just saying stop driving yourself crazy looking for all these signs. If you’re too busy trying to dissect every second of the date, you’re probably missing out on what’s actually happening between the two of you. Pay attention to what's really happening and give it a little time to see how it all works out.

I’ve said it once and I will say it again (and I actually founded a whole website on the idea) -- there is no formula for dating. Sometimes it’s a+b=c but sometimes it’s a+b=g or p or 2. Sometimes you have to add in another letter or carry a number. Stop trying to look for the formula and all the answers. Instead look around at what’s actually happening. You just might find what you’re looking for.

It's Just A Simple Little Text

Photo Courtesy of garryknight (Flickr)

I like when Mr. T and I talk about when we first met. It’s kind of fun hearing about what he thought about me (and some of the things I/we did) when we first met. One of the things that he’s mentioned is the fact that I sent him a text when I made it home after our first date. And it’s something that he openly admits was really cute.

A lot of people would say that’s a huge no-no. They would say I should let him pursue me or make the first move. They also might say that it’s coming on too strong or looks obsessive or whatever.

I text when I get home for a variety of reasons. And let me add that I only text if the date went well and I feel like there’s potential and desire to see each other again. Anyway, here’s why I do it:

1.  I feel like it’s a sweet gesture. It’s late. We may have been drinking. It also opens the door for the guy to text me back so I know he’s safe too. You never want a good date to fall in a ditch and die.
2. It’s smooth because it’s an easy way to say “I had a great time and I’d like to see you again” in a non-crazy chick kind of way.

But, like I said, a lot of people say this is a poor dating move.

Here’s the thing though. If a dude had a good time with you and genuinely wants to see you again, it’s going to take more than a quick text at the end of the night to change his mind. Sure if you start texting him constantly every hour on the hour he’s probably going to run in the opposite direction. But a little text at the end of the night that says thanks or I made it home or whatever isn’t going to rattle him in the slightest.

It’s my personal belief that men like to be wooed a little too. Contrary to popular belief they don’t have it all figured out so giving them a little something that says “I’m interested” or “I like you too” is never a bad thing. And, let’s all be honest here – if a guy is really that bothered by something as little as a text, he probably wasn’t really all that into you in the first place.

Should You Contact Someone Who Rejected You?

Photo courtesy of planeta (Flickr)

Rejection. To be frank, it sucks. No one likes it. And it really doesn’t matter what side you’re on – you can be the rejecter or the rejectee and it still sucks. But, as daters, we’ve all had to deal with it at one time or another.  And it’s super easy to want to contact someone after they’ve rejected you to see if maybe they’ve reconsidered.

I can openly admit that I’ve had those times where I think “what if” or “maybe, just maybe.” I can also admit that I have had those times when I’ve wanted to say those maybes and what ifs out loud to the person who has rejected me.  However, the sane and rational part of me (or a friend who is thinking more sane and rational than I am) always stops me.

But, after hearing a story, I’ve learned that the what ifs can override that sane and rational part sometimes. Let me give a brief synopses.

Boy meets girl and they go on three dates. Boy decides there is no spark with girl and tells girl. Girl tries to convince boy for just one more chance. Boy declines, wishes girl well and they go their separate ways. A month or so later girl emails boy to tell him she can’t stop thinking about him and really feels they should be together. Boy doesn’t answer email.

Now, let me just tell you this whole thing has awfulness written all over it. Let’s take a look.

1. I’ve said it a million times before – you should never have to convince anyone to like you. That whole like thing is truly something that happens organically. You meet a guy, you go out a few times, you enjoy each other’s company and things grow. Now, sure, I know it’s not that simple and I know that sometimes a romantic thing happens between friends or grows with someone you didn’t think you’d like. But the point is it happens naturally, on its own. It shouldn’t take showing someone or some crazy scheme for them to know they like you. And why would you want it to?
2. It’s pretty rare for a person to magically decide they really like you after they said they had no interest in you; especially a month later when there’s been no contact at all. Sure, sometimes couples break up and then after a little time they realize it was a mistake and get back together. But that is totally different from going on a few dates and having him or her say “thanks, but no thanks.”  In that case you should just leave it be for the rest of your life.
3. Let’s pretend for a moment that this is that really rare occasion where someone rejected you and realized they made a mistake and actually do like you. If that’s the situation, the person will contact you. Enough said.
4. No good can or will ever come from an email, text, call, etc. of this nature. Really. Even if it’s that rare occasion where the person is reconsidering. When you contact them pleading for another chance, you’re basically backing them into a corner. Any response or willingness to meet, even for a drink or coffee, is going to set the expectation that they want to date you. No person wants that kind of pressure. Translation? Any interest or thoughts of reconsideration will be totally gone. It also kind of gives off the impression that you might stab them in their sleep. Just sayin’.

So, in short, it’s just a really, really bad idea to contact someone who has already rejected you. I can totally get the thought to do it. I really can. But actually doing it is a whole other thing. So, if you find yourself writing an email or a text or whatever, stop yourself before you hit send. Sit on it for a while or talk to a pal. Honestly, it’s pointless and you’re really better off putting that time and effort into someone who likes you.

How to Handle Social Media in a Relationship

As a blogger who writes about dating, I tend to wear my dating life on my sleeve (I am pretty sure I've said that exact sentence a million times before). But, as much as I share, I genuinely believe there is such a thing as over sharing; especially when it comes to relationships. There are some things that should stay private and I genuinely try to do that with my own relationships. And that can get a little crazy when social media is involved.

So, head on over to the eFlirt expert to check out my latest series on tackling all the various social media apps when you're dating.

The Second Date Matters Too

Photo courtesy of Yoppy on Flickr

People often put a lot of pressure on the first date, but I often wonder if people realize how important a second date is as well. And, after having conversations with @lifesarunway and Mr. T, I felt inspired to write a post about this very thing.

On a first date, you want to make a good impression, look nice, help your date have a good time, etc. Obviously this is important because if the first date is a total bomb there’s a slim chance you’ll snag a second.

On a second date, you’re still trying to make a good impression and so on, but it’s also pretty telling in terms of how much (and if) you really like the person. Now, let’s be clear here. I don’t think that the second date determines if you’re going to be in a serious relationship or anything – that kind of thing takes more time. It’s just, unless a first date totally bombs or I am in no way attracted to the person, it’s pretty likely that I will go on a second date with him. However, the percentage of second dates that turn into third is a lot lower.

I have had these amazing first dates and thought that I really liked the guy, but then I go out with them again and there’s nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. That’s because (in my opinion) it’s really easy to think you like someone on the first date.

I don’t know exactly what it is about the first date, but it’s easy to get swept up in everything. And it’s easy to think all of this everything means you like the person you’re on a date with. Maybe it’s because we all have this fear that a first date will be tragically awful so when it’s not we translate that into like. Maybe it’s because they take you to some really awesome place or a restaurant you said you really wanted to try. Maybe you’ve had a little too much to drink. Or maybe it’s because you really can’t find anything bad about the person so you think you like them.

And sometimes it’s not necessarily that you know if you like this person, but just that the date went well so you figure you’ll go on a second date and see what happens.

There’s a ton of maybes and factors here and they will all lead you to a second date. But it usually takes going on a second date to know if it’s just a situational thing or if you actually like the person.

So, like I said, the second date matters too.