Sometimes I am busy (Part 2) - I don't respond to threats

Dating is frustrating (I am pretty sure I have said that before) and more often then not things don't go the way you want them to. Sometimes I think Saturday would be a great date night but the guy isn't available until Sunday. Sometimes I like guys that have no interest in me at all. And more often than I care to admit, I want what I can't have. We've all been there, but it's life and you have to deal with because let's face it there isn't really anything else to do about it.

I came back to the city earlier this week. Actually I came back a day later than I thought because there was a little mishap with the train schedule. Needless to say I was tired, a little cranky, and was really just ready to be home. Of course Mr. Doesn't Understand That I am busy that I talked about in my previous post started in with his spiel about how he really wants to meet me and so on.

Keep in mind here, that this was like Wednesday, the day after I came back into town. I was already annoyed and I was thinking about all the things that I needed to get done since I was a day behind. My original plan was to go play some trivia with some of my awesome blogger friends but I was actually starting to reconsider that. It's safe to say that night wasn't really the best option to meet up with him.

So he started in with his spiel and wanted to know what I was doing that day or later on that evening and I think he even mentioned something about being downtown in a few hours. Honestly, that was all just a little too much for me. I was not ready for him to start in with his pushy antics to try to get me to meet him. And his overflow with questions and attempt to let me know he was available just rubbed me the wrong way. So my response was something about how I didn't know exactly when I was free.

Now, I will openly admit that this probably wasn't the best response and maybe it was even a little bitchy. I realized this after I said it so I was going to sort of smooth things over by suggesting a time this weekend that we could meet. That is until he followed with a little comment about how I should know that he is dating which frankly irked me to no end.

Honestly, I am not really sure why it annoyed me so much. It could be that I was already annoyed by this guy from his overly aggressive (and borderline obsessive) attempts to meet me. I am not attracted to obsessive guys, you know, the ones that want to be with you or talk to you every second of the day. When a guy shows signs of this then it's a pretty big red flag to me. Plus, anyone that knows me well, can tell you that once I start to get annoyed with a guy my level of interest starts to fade. Obviously when you are first getting to know someone all you have to go on is the way they present themselves to you. If a guy seems to annoy me more than anything else or if there are too many red flags, it becomes evident that it's pointless to continue. It's really just a waste of my time as well as his and continuing just makes me a jerk.

It's likely that any new guy I start talking to is going on dates with other girls. In fact, I think that's pretty common knowledge. Just don't use it as a way to coax me into going on a date with you. What kind of guy wants to date a girl like that anyway?

Ultimatums and threats seem more like something you give to a child if they didn't make their bed not something you use to talk an almost 30-year-old woman into going on a date with you. Frankly, I really don't think that ultimatums belong in dating at all. I kind of feel if you have to threaten someone with something to get what you want then it's really not worth it.

I almost feel like this comes across with a little Mr. Joe Cool kind of cockiness. As if he's letting me know that he's this extremely desired guy so obviously there are tons of girls crawling all over him. We've established that I am not into making people jealous in order to get a guy to ask you out so the same kind of rule applies here. I am not a fan of games and I am definitely not a fan of arrogance.

Part of me kind of feels like a jerk or like I am being too picky, but I really don't think that's the case here or with me in general (I am definitely not picky). I just feel if a guy does too many things in the beginning to totally turn you off then what's the point?

Sometimes I am busy (Part 1)

The fact that I tend to be a pretty busy girl is pretty well known to anyone who knows me. This is not a fact that I hide or sugar coat from guys when I first meet them. There are times when I don't have that much on my plate and other times when my plate is full everyday. I've always thought this is pretty normal for the life of a single woman in the city.

Now, before I go any further, let me make it clear that I genuinely try to make time for dating. And if I meet a guy I want to seriously date I will definitely make time for him in my life as well. But do I really feel the need to keep a few nights open just in case I get a date? Probably not.

With that said, obviously this can be a problem when I am trying to set up a first date with someone. As hard as I try, sometimes it's just not possible to set up something for a few days and in some cases it might have to even wait a week. I don't say that to come across as some kind of superficial bitch or to imply that my life is anymore important than anyone else's because I definitely don't feel that way. All I genuinely ask for is a little patience when this happens, especially when I am being upfront about it and when I would do the same thing if the situation was reversed.

A week or so ago I started talking to a guy from Plenty of Fish. This happened to be a couple of days before I had something going on pretty much everyday. Plus, I was also getting ready to go out of town for a few days to see my family. When we started talking he brought up the subject of meeting and I told him that I was crazy busy and we could meet when I was back in town after the fourth which he said was totally fine.

Well, over the next few days he asked me nearly everyday what my plans were for that evening and if I wanted to meet. He also threw in a few comments about how much he wanted to meet me, because clearly I couldn't figure that out for myself. I continued to tell him (over and over again) that I was busy and we could meet after the fourth. I am not a fan of repeating myself so honestly the whole thing started to really annoy me. Finally, I just told him that no matter how many times he asked me the answer was going to be the same.

Call me crazy but I figured since I already told him I was busy and he said it wasn't a problem that it was, in fact, not a problem. Sometimes I am busy and as long as I am being honest and it's within a reasonable amount of time, what is the big deal? It's not like I am asking him to be at my beck and call, I mean clearly I know that I am taking the chance that a guy could meet another girl. Though come on, it's just a week. If you can't relax for a week I am thinking we have much bigger problems here.

Do guys really want a girl that just sits around waiting for a date in order to have something to do? Doesn't that seem a little desperate? I have always been taught that guys are attracted to women that have their own lives. Sure, I know that not ever guy is attracted to the exact same thing but I thought that was a pretty standard thing. I happen to be a woman with my own life and I prefer to not to just drop everything because I meet a guy. Plus, there are things that I legitimately can't just drop (like seeing my family) even if I wanted to. And just as a little FYI here, most women want a man that has his own life as well.

If you told me you wanted to meet me and asked me when I wanted to meet, I am pretty sure that I understand that you want to meet me. There is really no need to continue to tell me over and over again. In fact, all it will do is one of two things which will greatly decrease the chances that I will even want to meet you.

1. If you continue to ask me what I am doing later that day when I have already told you it's just going to make me think that you don't really listen to me. It also might make me think that you are just overly desperate to meet a woman and not really all that interested in meeting me. Neither of these situations will make me eager to meet you. Actually, it will probably just make me want to stop talking to you altogether.

1. I'm not into guys that pressure me or that aren't respectful of my time. If you are like this already what's it going to be like when we are actually dating? Even if you sugar coat it with "sweet" things like how awesome I am and how much you want to meet me it doesn't really help your case any.

So bottom line is, relax a little. Patience is a virtue and will almost always do more help than harm.

Is this a desperate man?

Barbara Carr / CC BY-SA 2.0

I had a casual e-mail conversation with a guy from Plenty of Fish and we ended up on the subject of being desperate. Actually I think it's fair to say we kind of started a debate about it because never in my life had I heard the things he was saying.

This was actually our first conversation. I don't mean the first e-mail conversation, I mean this is the first exchange of words entirely. He went on and on about what a great girl I am, how much he liked me and how he was really interested. Long story short, he decided that he wanted to meet and asked me what I was doing that weekend. I thought about it but I was legitimately busy that weekend, plus I was kind of leery for two reasons:

1.) He suggested meeting at a place by O'Hare. We established that he was in the city. So wait a second here if you are in the city and I am in the city why are you suggesting we travel all the way out to O'Hare to meet?

2.) Usually, I like to have a couple of conversations and generally like to get off the internet a bit before actually meeting. I am definitely an open minded woman who isn't fearful about meeting guys off the internet. However I am also a smart woman and there is this whole idea of having personal safety that I kind of like. Plus, as I already said, this was the first time we had ever had a conversation of any kind.

So, that was pretty much my response. Minus the long drawn out explanation of each point. I suggested we talk a bit and even said maybe we could make plans for the next weekend. His response made things a little interesting.

He suggested that I talk to him as much as I could over the weekend and then set up a time to meet if I was happy with the conversations (wow). I am not sure how to take that suggestion there to be honest. Essentially he told me that he feels if something is meant to be that it will happen within a few days. Also that I should be able to put him on my priority list and open up 30 minutes to meet with him. Funny since he suggested going out to O'Hare. I am thinking it would take me at least that to get there.

All of this started to fuel my curiosity about his whole theory and I asked him what about a girl that is out of town. I mean clearly people travel to places, right? He informed me that this is the exception. Though, why would they wait since there are plenty of other quality people to meet and spend time with? According to him, if a woman cannot meet right away, a man will not just wait around for her. Apparently a man that waits for a few days is not a quality guy and is completely desperate.

Sure, there are little parts of this that I can agree with. Honestly, I could go on and on about my thoughts about this but, here is the abridged version:

A guy that is desperate is going to try to meet whatever woman he can, he won't wait around for the woman who piqued his interest. He will tell you he is interested to try to impress you but then if you can't meet when he wants to he will move right on to the next woman on Plenty of Fish (or any other dating site) until he finds the one that agrees to meet him. This guy is not interested in meeting you, he is interested in meeting a woman, any woman. Which, correct me if I am wrong here, seems a little desperate.

Now, I am not talking about the woman that is giving you the run around and expects you to be at her beck and call. You know, the woman who expects you to wait forever while she goes on her other 35 dates from all those internet dating sites. Then, when those don't work out she calls you and expects you to still be waiting around to meet her. If you are in this situation, run immediately. Oh and I am also not talking about putting your entire life on hold to wait to meet her. I am talking about the woman that has the legitimate excuse (like being out of town), is showing an interest (wants to keep things going by talking on the phone) and has even suggested another time to meet. This in no way seems desperate to me.

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