What does it mean to be over your ex?

So what’s it mean to be over your ex? You’ll never know how much that whole idea can be challenged until you find out the ex you thought would never get married is married. I am a tough girl. Very few things break me but when I saw that Mr. BST was officially married I cried harder than I have in a really long time.

And yeah, you would think I would have learned my lesson with all my Google stalking before. But I guess I really just needed to know if it actually happened. It didn’t seem real unless I knew. 

And I have spent the greater part of the past week just thinking about everything.

I wonder why he didn’t just let me go. I mean if he wanted to be with her why did he continue to try to be with me? Why did he stick around in the background and pop up every now and then? Why not just be with her?

None of it makes any sense to me but I am not sure if I am really any better. I didn’t let him go until I had to. Actually, in some ways I think I am still working on that.

I have always blamed him for everything that went wrong. Everything that could have been but wasn’t. I blamed him. And I am not sure if that’s right.

I’m not condoning anything he did or didn’t do here. I know he was a jerk. I know he didn’t treat me well. But I have to admit my part in all of it too. I wasn’t perfect either.

I remember one time when I first moved to Chicago and I was with my friends. I was drunk and I decided to send him an IM and tell him I loved him. He said it back and his comments that followed made it seem like he had been waiting to tell me forever. I really think he felt that for me. I don’t know why I told him. It wasn’t really that I didn’t love him but I wasn’t sure if I did either. And telling him was wrong.

Then there was also the time that I was out with my friends. I was sitting at the bar and just looking around and thinking. I sent him a text to tell him that he wasn’t even close to the same caliber of people I knew. I have no idea why I did it. That’s not even like me. It was uncalled for. It was cruel.

Then there is every time he has sent me a text and I have answered. I didn’t have to answer but I did. And, of course, there are all the times that I’ve sent him a text. I could have stopped myself at any point but I never did. I said things to him I shouldn’t have. I crossed the line on far more occasions than I should have.

I did it all because I didn’t want to let go. I didn’t want to let go of him. I thought I did. I thought I was doing everything to let go but now I know I wasn’t.

The fact of the matter is that Mr. BST has always been in the background. Even if we weren’t talking. Even if we pretended to hate each other.  Even when I was pushing him away. He’s been there. Just kind of sitting there silently. And I always knew that if I called him or sent him a text we would pick up right where we left off. There was still a part of me that always wanted to talk to him when something good or bad happened. 

That’s the way it always was. The last time I saw him nearly three years had passed since we had been together but it was like nothing changed. We laughed the same. We kissed the same. We touched each other the same.

There was something between the two of us. This undeniable connection. It was magnetic.  It’s the way we have always been together. And no matter how much I thought I was letting him go that’s just the kind of thing that you can’t stop. 

I thought that would never go away. I never imagined him ever having that with another woman. And it still seems weird that he does. I thought Mr. BST would always love me. Even if it was in the most screwed up backwards kind of way.

But while I was thinking all of that Mr. BST was planning a life with someone else. He was picking out things to put on their wedding registry. Things that would go in the home they were planning together. He was planning a wedding and picking out a suit. He was picking out a suit that he would wear as he was waiting at the end of the isle for her. 

I have no idea what their relationship is like and I am really not sure if I want to know. I also will never know what might have happened if I had just forgiven him for everything. I’ll never know if he would have treated me any better the second time around.

But what I do know is seeing her name with his last name hurt more than I ever thought anything could hurt. I have no idea why it hurts but it does and I can’t help that. And I also know that I don’t regret the choices that I made. I know I deserve to be treated better than he ever treated me.

They say that you know you are over your ex when you are happy for the things that happen to them. I am not sure if I believe that because I think sometimes things that happen hurt too much for you to feel happy.

I would never wish anything bad on Mr. BST. And I genuinely hope that he is happy and they both have a great life together. But it still hurts.

Looking at their wedding picture was almost surreal to me. But the weird part is Mr. BST didn’t look the same to me anymore. He no longer looked like the guy that I was once so madly in love with. Maybe that’s the start of actually letting him go. 

Mr. BST gets a wife and I get New York. And I think maybe that’s how it was meant to be.