Things I Don’t Understand: Expecting a Man to Automatically Know What You Want

Lately I have noticed this saying rolling around on Twitter:

Whenever a woman says ‘do whatever you want’ do not do whatever you want.

Photo courtesy of  1950sUnlimited (Flickr)

Or, you know, some kind of form of it. And every time I see it, it’s like nails on a chalkboard. So I am pretty sure the blogging Gods were just begging me to write about it.

So clearly this is a saying that I don’t understand. Seriously. It makes no sense to me at all. And honestly, as a woman, it annoys the crap out of me.

There’s this idea that women want men to read our minds. They should just know what to do at all times. And then it’s OK to get mad if they do the “wrong” thing because they were supposed to know it’s wrong.

Now, before I go any further, let me make it clear that I am not denying that there are women who are like this. I am 100 percent positive there are. I am just saying it’s a little crazy to say all  women are like that. Some of us aren’t. Some of us get how ridiculous that is. And some of us don’t think it’s acceptable to behave like that.

I am going to let you in on a little secret, ladies. Men are humans just like us. <GASP!> They don’t always know what you’re thinking and they shouldn’t have to. If you want something, you should tell them. And if you don’t and they do the “wrong” thing, you really can’t get mad about it.

A couple of weeks ago Mr. T and I were trying to figure out our weekend plans. He said there might be things happening in his neighborhood, but he would come to Brooklyn if I wanted him to. I was honest -- I said I would rather him come to Brooklyn, but if things were going on near him with his friends and he wanted to do that then I was fine with coming there.

And, yes, I truly was. If he had asked me to come there I wouldn’t have complained because I said it was OK. If I really didn't want to I should have just said that and I would have. But he ended up coming to Brooklyn. It wasn’t a big deal. He asked what I wanted, I told him, and he did it. Such an amazing process, really.

I am not saying I am perfect or that we always do everything that I want. I have my moments where I’m afraid that asserting what I want will make me look like the bossy, annoying girlfriend. And I think that’s a common fear amongst women and I know sometimes that’s why we hold back; especially with a boyfriend.

All I am saying is that you can't expect someone to know what you want unless you tell them. You don't need to be obnoxious and bratty about it (actually don't do that, ever). But you can’t just sit back and expect a man (or anyone) to magically know and then get mad when they don’t. That’s a pretty unrealistic (and unfair) expectation. Plus, it’s probably never going to happen so isn’t it easier to just tell them?

Jumping Through Hoops

I’ve always had a thing against this idea that men should jump through hoops for women. I think it’s a ridiculous expectation that many women take advantage of.

But, what I realized is that’s the thing that I have the issue with – the women who take advantage of the fact that a man will do anything to be with her. Not the idea itself.

The fact is, there are a lot of women out there who think that a man should do whatever it takes to be with them, but don’t think for a second about what they are doing to be with him. I partially blame that whole princess thing.

And, I also blame the fact that we’ve all grown up on the idea that a man will ask a woman out and she will say no. But then, instead of giving up, the man just tries harder and eventually she says yes. You know, because he proves he’s “worthy” and interested.

Call me crazy, but I don’t get behind this idea at all. You know how they say a man will ask you out if he’s interested, well, if a woman is interested she will say yes.

For me, I do not think that a man should worship the ground I walk on, but rather, we should worship each other. If a man is jumping through hoops (aka putting in the effort) to be with me, so am I (to be with him).

My Expectations of New York

The other day a friend sent me the link to an article about the expectations of moving to New York versus what it’s actually like. You can take a look for yourself but basically the gist is the fact that people often think they will move to New York and have this ultra-glamorous life. But then they move here and see that it’s not what they pictured.

Now, let me just start by saying that I get the humor in it. I really do. It is really funny to think how much television glamourizes this city. But then again, I think that’s part of the thing for me because I genuinely think this city is perfectly glamorous. It’s not because I have some million dollar apartment or because I get into all the hottest clubs every night. (I actually have neither) It’s because I have a totally different idea about all of that glamour stuff. Granted it could be because I’m new here, but I have a feeling that New York will always have a special place in my heart.

When I decided to move to New York it wasn’t because of some idea that I would have this glamorous lifestyle. I didn’t think I would have some perfect job and randomly see stars on the subway. I also didn’t think that I would move into some ritzy penthouse with insane views.

I knew about the roaches, rats, and bedbugs. I also knew New York is dirty and the cab drivers are rude. I am not going to say I knew everything about the city because I am still learning. But the fact is, I knew the bad things about New York and I wanted to move here anyway. And there were plenty of people who wanted to “warn” me just in case I didn’t already know.

But, I decided to move to New York because I fell in love with it. And since I’ve been here, I still love it. Yes, even with the roaches and rats in the subway. Even though I have had cab drivers lock their doors and refuse to take me to Brooklyn. Even though they put trash on the street.  It’s all about the energy and the possibilities and I love it.

The fact is that things are rarely the way you expect them to be. Sometimes they are better than you expected and sometimes worse. And you won’t ever really know what something is like until you’ve experienced it yourself. So, I am sorry to say but anyone who thinks they know what New York is like from watching television is crazy. New York is not the only city that’s fictionalized on television. I’ve rarely seen the real Chicago either. There are rats and bed bugs there too. But, let’s be real here -- when does television accurately show anything? (Ahem the rom com)

Just Be Who You Are

I’ve been thinking about something lately. It’s that whole idea that when you meet someone, you’re supposed to be on your best behavior. And, for the most part, I get that. I mean, if you’re that bad when you first meet someone it kind of makes them wonder how much worse you’re going to get. Probably not the best idea, right?

But the problem is that some people take the whole thing too far. Instead of just being the best they can be, they act like someone they aren’t. In some cases they act like the person they think they should be or the person they want to be, but never the less, it’s not who they truly are.

I really have a hard time getting on board with this idea – I say just be who you are.

I know that’s easier said than done and I am not saying you have to play all your cards up front. I mean, there’s a time and a place for sharing all the things about who you are. But there is also a difference between holding back until the time is right and pretending to be someone you are not.

Sometimes, I think it comes from this whole idea of expectations. I think everyone has felt the pressures to be something or someone – some of us more than other. Here’s the thing about expectations though – people don’t necessarily expect you to be a certain way until you tell them you are a certain way.

A lot of people want to know what they are getting into, so, If you say things like: “I’m a neat freak” or “I am only a casual drinker”, that’s what people expect you to be. Then, when you leave the house a mess or you drink like a fish Thursday through Tuesday people get annoyed (or pissed, hurt, what have you).

And, the thing is, it really doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that you aren’t a neat freak or the fact that you drink heavily. It’s more the fact that you totally misrepresented yourself. It’s because you created that image in their mind.

The thing is, we are all humans and we are all different. I will be the first person to admit that I don’t understand why people do some of the things they do. And, sometimes people annoy me because they handle situations differently. However, that’s all a part of interacting with other people. It doesn’t stop me from wanting to know a person just because I might not understand everything they do.

But, when they misrepresent themselves, that’s a whole other thing. It’s really frustrating when you are getting to know a person and you have all these conversations about who they are. And, then you find out most of it was really a bunch of crap.

And, I am not talking about situations where people lie about feelings and things like that. I am just talking about everyday stuff. I also know that people have to show you who they are, I am a firm believer in that. But, then why the need to lie about who you are?

If you’re the kind of person who leaves your wet towel on the floor or who doesn’t clean up the dishes until three days after you’ve used them, just be that person. Don’t say that you always pick up after yourself if you don’t. If you like to drink obsessively don’t say you do it occasionally.

You have to be honest about who you are in every situation -- from dating, to family, to friends. Whoever you are. Whatever you are. No matter how wrong someone might think it is. Don’t try so hard to be someone you are not just to impress someone. The truth is going to come out eventually, so just be who you are.

Sometimes You're Just A Girl Who Likes A Boy

So I’ve mentioned many times before about how I feel like I have let far too many situations slip awaybecause I haven’t had the guts to put my feelings out there. And because I have been waiting for the other person to show their feelings first. I know it’s a dumb move but fear just gets in the way. My over thinking gets in the way. 

But, here I am thinking I am heading into the same situation.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a date with a  guy. I haven’t really mentioned him at all and I am not sure if I have a reason why. I think it’s two parts blogger superstition mixed with at least six parts of some other kinds of fears. And, the fact that I haven’t really known what to write. But I digress.

We’ve been out a few times and I’ve had the most fun that I’ve had with a guy in a long time. There is something amazingly interesting about this guy. And I  really want to know more.

I don’t know what any of that means and, realistically, I know that nothing might happen. There’s no expectations here. To be honest, I am not even positive what I want from him. I think it’s a little too soon for all that. All I know is what I think/feel right now, at this very moment. And, I know that I like him and I want to spend more time with him. I know I want to figure out what all that means.

The more I think about that, the more I am afraid that he doesn’t feel the same way about me. And, I am not sure if he’s done anything to make me feel that way or if it’s just my own fear. It’s just the uncertainty of it all.

Side note: I often wonder why it’s so easy to let fear get in the way. But that’s a whole other post.

So, the more afraid I am, the more I find myself thinking that I could be the only one who feels this way. I don’t want to be the only person who feels something. That makes me feel like a total idiot. And, more than anything, I don’t want to get my hopes up or believe it’s something that it’s not.

I mean, I know for most people it’s easy to tell when a guy likes them. Everyone says that you will just know. And, I think in some ways maybe it should be easy. But I am not positive if I am the gal who just knows. For me, it’s different. I have had so many fake relationships that I am scared of that happening again.

The fact is, I have learned that even when all the so-called signs point to something, sometimes it’s the total opposite. So I am trying not to look for the signs and just look at it for what it really is. But sometimes that’s way too confusing.

And, then, it just reminds me of all the times that I haven’t put myself out there because of fear. All the times that I have pushed people way. I don’t want that to happen again. I don’t want to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again.

So, I have decided that I think it’s OK to just put yourself out there -- just let a person know how you feel. And, I think that’s what I really need to do. Honestly, I am tired of analyzing and I am tired of guessing what a person feels. Because none of that really leads to anything good. Sometimes (or all the time), you just need to go straight to the source and just not worry about everything else.

Feeling the way you feel about something isn’t stupid. It might be a little corny sometimes but it’s never stupid. And any person who thinks you’re stupid for feeling the way you do probably isn’t worth your time (and you probably want/need to know that before you get too attached).

The fact is, I am just a girl who likes a boy. It’s not that big of a deal. And, if he doesn’t like me back then that’s not that big of a deal either.

What I Really Want

Apparently today has been a rough day for me and posts. I started one over the weekend but then last night I wrote another. Then, this morning I woke up and I didn’t want to publish either so I decided to start another. I couldn’t get my thoughts together and it just ended up as a crazy mess. I think the big problem is that I can’t bring myself to write what I really want to write. But that’s the thing about blogging - it makes you feel a little chaotic sometimes.

So, instead of driving myself crazy, I am just going to write.

Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about dating and relationships. Technically a lot of my life is consumed by thoughts of that. And it’s not in that annoying girly girl way, but I am a person who writes about dating so it’s inevitable that I think about it.

I think I am becoming increasingly annoyed with this whole idea that dating has to go a certain way. You know, the idea that you meet a guy on Tuesday for drinks, then you go out that Saturday and then the next Tuesday. He calls you and texts you and says all the right things. Within a few weeks you’re seeing more and more of each other. Then you become serious and eventually you get married.

It’s this whole idea that it’s all perfect from the beginning. And, even more than that, it’s all the little itty bitty stuff that happens in there. The stuff he says or shouldn’t say. How often he calls you. What time he calls. Those five little phrases that says he’s so into you. How he introduces you to his friends. What he tells his mom about you.

It’s exhausting to me.

Dating has never really worked that way for me. Sure, I know, I am single so maybe that’s why it hasn’t been that way. And, maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to work and maybe I just haven’t met a guy who is right for me and that’s why it doesn’t go that way.

But, that’s kind of the thing -- what if it just doesn’t work that way for everyone?

I kind of feel like all that worrying about how dating should go is actually killing my dating life. More importantly it’s killing my chances of actually finding someone who I want to be with. And it’s definitely ruining all the fun I can have with dating.

The fact is that I really don’t care how it all starts. I don’t care if a guy does all those things that he’s supposed to do when he likes you. What I care about is who the guy is and how we connect together. What I really want is a guy who is interesting. I don’t even really want the guy that you read about in some article. I want a guy who thinks of interesting and different stuff for us to do. And, no, I don’t mean things that cost a lot of money, I just mean things that aren’t necessarily on the list of 101 great dates.

I just want a guy who is genuinely unlike anyone else. A guy who is interesting and magnificent. And not just because of the way I feel about him but because that’s just who he is, on his own.

That’s all the stuff that matters to me because at the end of the day I feel like that’s what’s important -- who he is and the connection we have together. I just don’t know if all the other stuff matters.

Now, don’t get me wrong here, I am not talking about the guys who are total jerks or who only call at 3AM when they are drunk. I can’t respect a total jerk and if I can’t respect him, I can’t date him. And there is a huge difference between a person you have a connection with and a person you are just shacking up with. Obviously that stuff matters. But, again, not what I am talking about.

But I was in this situation a couple of years ago where I met a guy I was crazy about. I’ve mentioned him before, but essentially our dating was a little unusual. We met at weird times and had weird dates. I spent so much time picking apart the fact that it was unusual that I didn’t see what was right in front of my face -- a guy who was just as crazy about me.

I think I am just allowing myself to hold back too much because I am afraid of having another fake relationship (I will elaborate more on that in another post). I don’t want to be the fool who feels something for a guy who feels nothing for me. It’s embarrassing and I feel like I should know better.

I think there are times when it’s obviously no good and you have to walk away. But I also think there are times when you need to stick it out and really see how it’s all going to pan out. I need to stop trying to protect myself. Because, honestly, it’s okay to fall on my face sometimes. And, I’d rather fall on my face 100 times than miss out on something.

All I really want to do is just meet a guy and see how it goes. No expectations. No pressures. No outside factors telling us what should happen between us. But just the two of us, deciding what we want from one another. That’s how it should be. That’s how I want it to be.

Then again, maybe I am just crazy.