On Asking Questions: Let Others Do the Answering

The other night I was sitting in my room trying to edit my latest video blog when I heard a ding on my phone. It was the noise alerting me that there was some kind of activity on OkCupid.

I had a message from a guy who seemed pretty interesting. He's about nine years younger than I am, but still, interesting. So, I messaged him back. We engaged in some witty banter for a bit when he asked why I was there (meaning why was I on OkCupid).

Now, let me just tell you, I hate this question. Really. I never know how to answer it. The honest truth is I am on OkCupid (and other dating sites) to meet people. Yes, I want a relationship, but that doesn't mean I think (or want) the next guy who messages me to be my boyfriend. I mean, I still want him to have the qualities I am looking for (and I should have the qualities he's looking for too).

But, I don’t really like to go into that who spiel because it comes off the wrong way in the first few messages. I think the first few messages and even the first meeting should be light and fun. Obviously you get to know each other, but you don't have to dig into every subject under the sun.

So, I tend to stick with the "I'm here to meet people and go on dates" kind of answer. Because, honestly, that’s why I’m online. I hope one of those turns into something more, but you have to meet and go on dates to have that happen. And, usually a guy will respond with some form of the same answer as well and we go on to the next subject.

Well, apparently this reason was not good enough for this fella because he told me I was just "copping out with a simple answer." He kept prodding for me to tell him more and the way he was questioning me made it seem like he just knew that I had some big elaborate answer that I just wasn't. I have no idea why he thought this. He kept pushing and at that point I had pretty much stopped responding and then he called me a cunt.

Now, obviously it's clear there is far more to this guy than just being irritated over my response. And, I am probably glad that I didn't meet him and have all this go down in person. But nevertheless, it made me think.

I have noticed all too often that sometimes people ask a question and then they are irritated by the answer. And, it's simply because they think know what the answer will be before they ask. Let me be clear, I am not saying this guy was doing that, it's just a general thought I had because of this whole situation.

Here's the thing though, actually there are a few things. First, if you know the answer to something, why bother asking? Really. Second, how can you know the answer to something when you barely know the person at all? You can't. Third, I often wonder if people assume because I am a woman that sometimes I am being coy or shy or whatever. Maybe I am just taking it the wrong way, but I have answered questions and had people accuse me of that, again, without knowing me. And, maybe it seems like that, but, again, if you barely know a person you can’t really assume you know anything about them.

I know it's hard because we have preconceived notions about who people are based on their sex, where they are from, etc. In my book I call that passing unfair judgment, but you say potato and I say potahto. It's also hard because as we all get older and become grown folks, certain things happen to us. And, when those things are repeated over and over again, you can't help but wonder if it's happening again.

But, the bottom line is, if you're going to try to get to know a person, get to know them. If you are going to ask people things, let them answer. Of course, it's OK to be shocked or surprised by what they tell you. And, if you don't understand or want more information, by all means ask more questions. Get them to explain further. But, don't do it because their answer is different than what you thought. And when they say they are being honest, don’t keep pushing because you think you just know there is more there. (And for god sakes don't call them a cunt when they don't answer the way you want them to).

Side note: yes, I know sometimes there really is more there. But, remember, people will tell you who they are if they listen so stop pushing and pushing – especially when you don’t know if something more is there.

It's not about where they are from or if they are a man or a woman. Just get to know them. Maybe they will be typical and like every other idiot you've met, but maybe they won't. And we all deserve a chance.

Yes, this post is very hippie-esque of me. I can't help it. Make love, not war.

Update: This guy sent me a message last night that read "So, where do we go from here?" I didn't respond. 

What I Really Want

Apparently today has been a rough day for me and posts. I started one over the weekend but then last night I wrote another. Then, this morning I woke up and I didn’t want to publish either so I decided to start another. I couldn’t get my thoughts together and it just ended up as a crazy mess. I think the big problem is that I can’t bring myself to write what I really want to write. But that’s the thing about blogging - it makes you feel a little chaotic sometimes.

So, instead of driving myself crazy, I am just going to write.

Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about dating and relationships. Technically a lot of my life is consumed by thoughts of that. And it’s not in that annoying girly girl way, but I am a person who writes about dating so it’s inevitable that I think about it.

I think I am becoming increasingly annoyed with this whole idea that dating has to go a certain way. You know, the idea that you meet a guy on Tuesday for drinks, then you go out that Saturday and then the next Tuesday. He calls you and texts you and says all the right things. Within a few weeks you’re seeing more and more of each other. Then you become serious and eventually you get married.

It’s this whole idea that it’s all perfect from the beginning. And, even more than that, it’s all the little itty bitty stuff that happens in there. The stuff he says or shouldn’t say. How often he calls you. What time he calls. Those five little phrases that says he’s so into you. How he introduces you to his friends. What he tells his mom about you.

It’s exhausting to me.

Dating has never really worked that way for me. Sure, I know, I am single so maybe that’s why it hasn’t been that way. And, maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to work and maybe I just haven’t met a guy who is right for me and that’s why it doesn’t go that way.

But, that’s kind of the thing -- what if it just doesn’t work that way for everyone?

I kind of feel like all that worrying about how dating should go is actually killing my dating life. More importantly it’s killing my chances of actually finding someone who I want to be with. And it’s definitely ruining all the fun I can have with dating.

The fact is that I really don’t care how it all starts. I don’t care if a guy does all those things that he’s supposed to do when he likes you. What I care about is who the guy is and how we connect together. What I really want is a guy who is interesting. I don’t even really want the guy that you read about in some article. I want a guy who thinks of interesting and different stuff for us to do. And, no, I don’t mean things that cost a lot of money, I just mean things that aren’t necessarily on the list of 101 great dates.

I just want a guy who is genuinely unlike anyone else. A guy who is interesting and magnificent. And not just because of the way I feel about him but because that’s just who he is, on his own.

That’s all the stuff that matters to me because at the end of the day I feel like that’s what’s important -- who he is and the connection we have together. I just don’t know if all the other stuff matters.

Now, don’t get me wrong here, I am not talking about the guys who are total jerks or who only call at 3AM when they are drunk. I can’t respect a total jerk and if I can’t respect him, I can’t date him. And there is a huge difference between a person you have a connection with and a person you are just shacking up with. Obviously that stuff matters. But, again, not what I am talking about.

But I was in this situation a couple of years ago where I met a guy I was crazy about. I’ve mentioned him before, but essentially our dating was a little unusual. We met at weird times and had weird dates. I spent so much time picking apart the fact that it was unusual that I didn’t see what was right in front of my face -- a guy who was just as crazy about me.

I think I am just allowing myself to hold back too much because I am afraid of having another fake relationship (I will elaborate more on that in another post). I don’t want to be the fool who feels something for a guy who feels nothing for me. It’s embarrassing and I feel like I should know better.

I think there are times when it’s obviously no good and you have to walk away. But I also think there are times when you need to stick it out and really see how it’s all going to pan out. I need to stop trying to protect myself. Because, honestly, it’s okay to fall on my face sometimes. And, I’d rather fall on my face 100 times than miss out on something.

All I really want to do is just meet a guy and see how it goes. No expectations. No pressures. No outside factors telling us what should happen between us. But just the two of us, deciding what we want from one another. That’s how it should be. That’s how I want it to be.

Then again, maybe I am just crazy.