Confessions And Realizations

Before I make one really big confession. I have another huge confession to make. Like most of the other posts about Mr. BST, this one has been sitting in publish folder for far too long. I am not sure why but I couldn’t bring myself to publish it. Maybe it was out of the fear of admitting all my feelings (again) or maybe it’s because I was out of town and that gave me a reason to let it sit for a while. I think I read it over a million times and (like always) I decided to post it. Courage is all a part of blogging. So here it is...

I have a really huge confession to make – I’ve been thinking about Mr. BST lately. And, before you get all crazy on me, I promise it’s not in the way you think. Just keep reading.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have thought about everything that happened between the two of us. I mean everything. When we first met, when he first ended it, how he couldn’t really just end it. I thought about how much we used to talk and how he was one of the first people I would tell anything to.

It was the first time in a long time that I thought about everything. I didn’t think about him being married or how much he hurt me or any of that stuff. I just thought about him. I thought about us.

I started to become a little sentimental. And, I really wanted to send him a text. I had no idea what I wanted to say to him but I just wanted to talk to him. I wanted to tell him all the things that have been going on.

You see, Mr. BST was always proud of me. Whenever I did anything good, he was always there cheering me on and he was always so happy for me. He knew about my love for New York and I know he would be genuinely excited that I am here and that I love it so much.

I sat in my bed in the dark for the longest time debating. Most of me wanted to text him but something was telling me not to. So, I decided to sleep on it.

Side note: if you are wondering why I don’t just delete his number, I actually have deleted his number. I haven’t had it saved in my phone for quite some time. But, I have it memorized. I guess you can’t spend so many years texting and calling someone without eventually committing their number to your brain.

I woke up the next morning and I felt totally different. The sentimental me was gone and the rational me was present. I spent a little time kicking myself in the ass for even thinking like that. But then I realized what a big step I had just made.

In the past, I was usually impulsive. The second that I wanted to text him, email him, send him a message on Facebook, whatever, I would have. If I did wait it out, I would usually give in.

I also realized that the decision to not text him came from an entirely different place than it had before. In the past, it was always out of anger, frustration, and hurt because of what he did to me. And I think it was my pride that got in the way. I stopped myself from contacting him because I didn’t want to be the poor sap who was being all sentimental. I know that sounds weird, but that’s what it was.

This time it’s because I know I don’t want to. I know that nothing good will come out of it. It’s just living in the past. Mr. BST and I are not friends anymore. I am not “that” girl to him anymore and we aren’t those two inseparable people who have to tell each other everything. We’re nothing. We are just two people who were once in love. Two people who moved on to live separate lives. Nothing else really matters.