My easy going attitude has, obviously, affected the way that I date. I always try to be the cool chick -- someone who isn’t bossy, nagging, demanding or princessy. Truth be told, it’s kind of a fear of mine to become the person that my boyfriend actually can’t stand. I fully believe this is one of the best characteristics about me, but it’s also one of the worst because sometimes I give people far too many chances than they deserve.
Honestly, I don’t care who you are, you can’t be cool with everything. Everyone has limits, things they can’t stand. That’s not being pushy, that’s just having standards. And, making sure those standards are met isn’t pushy or bossy either. It’s just standing up for what you want.
I realized this with the guy that I was recently kind of (sort of, or whatever) seeing. Truth be told, I had a few occasions where I wasn’t really cool with things that were happening but I just kept on moving a long. I think it was partially the fact that I was trying to be cool and not put too much pressure on him. But, also because I liked him and I really had to figure things out for myself.
Well, I figured out that things aren’t going to work out between us.
It started when he told me (flat out) that he would like to spend my birthday with me, if he didn’t have plans but that he likes to play things by ear. I told myself that’s just the kind of guy he is and that if I wanted to date him, or whatever, I had to accept it. And I pretended that email didn’t bother me because somehow admitting that it upset me meant I was being too needy or pushy.
But the fact is, that email bothered the hell out of me. I am not OK with the person I am seeing playing it by ear. Call me crazy but I think if you like a gal, you should want to spend her birthday with her. If the guy has other plans, I can totally understand. But “playing it by ear” (i.e. waiting to see if something better comes along) is a whole other story. And, we didn’t have to do something crazy elaborate. We could have had wine and cheap takeout on my living room floor. It’s just about spending time together.
We didn’t end up spending my birthday together. I pretended that didn’t bother me either and I never really said anything to him. I think I was just too afraid of looking like a princess and I was too caught up in showing him how awesome I am. But, if you are going out of your way to be awesome, well, that’s not really all that awesome. Plus, the right guy will think you’re awesome just the way you are.
Honestly, it wasn’t just the birthday thing. I am not going to go into all the nitty gritty, but I realized we just want different things. He clearly wants something casual and started to treat me like a casual gal and that’s not what I want.
And, when I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore, I felt a little guilty. My mind started to go towards all the what ifs. You know, what if he really does like me but he just can’t express it? What if he really likes me but, because I ended it, he gave up? What if, what if, what it? And that’s how I usually feel. That’s what usually sucks me back in.
The fact is, none of those things matter. IF he really liked me, he would have shown me. IF he didn’t consider me as just a casual something, he would have shown me. Those are the real ifs I should be considering here.
But, I don’t want to make it sound like I am beating myself up here. Even though I let a little too much slide, I still stood my ground. Normally I would have stuck around and given him 101 chances, like I did with Mr. BST. And, we all know how that turned out.
I am not going to say it was easy because I did genuinely like this guy at one time. He was different and I kind of think I started to adore him a little. But, something changed or maybe that’s just never who he was.
At the end of the day, you can’t hang on to what you thought a person was or what you want them to be. You have to be realistic about who they are. And, if who they are isn’t what you are looking for, you have to be realistic about that too.