Jess Downey

Jess Downey is a freelance writer, blogger, and online columnist who lives in Brooklyn, NY. 

How Not To Get a Woman to Have Sex with You

I swear, sometimes I think the dating gods hate me….

A few weeks ago I went on a date with a guy – we’ll call him Marathon. I had a genuinely good time on our date and figured if nothing else we would end up being friends because our personalities just seem to click.

So, a few days later, I invited him to a loft party. I can’t really say that I was asking him as a date, I just thought he might want to go and like I said, friends. He never responded but the following day he sent me a text. We chatted for a while when he confessed that even though he thought I was really cool, he just wasn’t attracted to me.

Now, honestly, I was pretty OK with that because that whole attraction thing isn’t really a big deal to me. I mean, you can’t help who you’re attracted to. There are plenty of fabuously good looking guys that I am just not attracted to. It happens and to be perfectly honest, I wasn’t sure how attracted I was to him either.

We agreed to be friend and, last Wednesday, Marathon and I were chatting via text. You know, like friends do. He made another confession. This time he told me that I am the only gal he’s met off of OkCupid who he would consider dating. He just felt that emotionally and personality wise I am there. But, he’s intimidated by me because I am bigger than him.

Now, first things first, as a gal who is 5’10, I am no stranger to being bigger than guys I date. The last guy I went on multiple dates with was something like 5’6 so obviously it’s not a big deal to me. But I also know that other people feel differently about it and that’s OK.

However, I don’t recall being that much bigger than Marathon. And, as I later found out, it wasn’t the height thing that bothered him. Apparently he feels that he’s a fit guy and being with a gal who is thick, plus-size, big, not skinny (whatever you want to call it) would cause him to inherit some really unhealthy lifestyle habits. Because you know, all that gals like me apparently do is sit around on our couches and eat. And, a guy who I haven’t spent any real time with knows a whole lot about my lifestyle. Who knew?  Needless to say, by the end of the conversation I felt like the ugliest, beastliest looking woman on the planet.

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However, I don’t recall being that much bigger than Marathon. And, as I later found out, it wasn’t the height thing that bothered him. Apparently he feels that he’s a fit guy and being with a gal who is thick, plus-size, big, not skinny (whatever you want to call it) would cause him to inherit some really unhealthy lifestyle habits. Because you know, all that gals like me apparently do is sit around on our couches and eat. And, a guy who I haven’t spent any real time with knows a whole lot about my lifestyle. Who knew?  Needless to say, by the end of the conversation I felt like the ugliest, beastliest looking woman on the planet.

He immediately started to apologize and it seemed like maybe it was an open mouth insert foot kind of thing so I decided to forgive him.

Then, on Friday, we were texting  again. He asked if I was going out, I mentioned how I hadn’t made my way to the shower which in turn, made him comment about fantasizing about me. Yes, that’s right – the dude who is not attracted to me, who thinks I am all beastly and intimidating is now fantasizing about me…naked. And he was enjoying it.

So, being the rather bold and straight forward gal that I am, I called him out on it. According to him, I have such a cool personality and he wants to know what it’s like to have sex with a gal who is bigger than him so he decided he’d like to hook up with me.

Gee thanks for letting me be your token fat girl. Maybe you can go hang out with the other guy who called me fat and said if it wasn’t for guys like him I’d never get laid. You guys seem like you’d have a lot in common.

The sad part is, that’s not even the worst of it. He then told me if he had sex with me, I would probably make his penis look small.

Now, I have been teased for being chubby and called names or whatever.  In high school, I can remember a guy showing me his bumper sticker that read no fat chicks, car will scrape. But never in my life have I ever had my size be responsible for making someone’s penis look smaller. Seriously. Never.

I think it’s safe to say my desire to be friends with Marathon is completely gone. But hey, it works for both of us. I mean, I don’t want a friend who thinks I’m fat and he probably doesn’t want a friend who makes his penis look small. It’s a win win.

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