I was chatting with a friend today about dating. He's a friend from Indiana who tends to get annoyed with the whole internet dating thing (hey, don't we all?) so a lot of times that's where our conversations lead.
Sometimes he feels frustrated when he sends a message to a woman and she doesn't respond. Forgive me here because I am paraphrasing since I don't remember the exact way he phrased it but apparently another friend once told him that maybe he's a little too put together. You know, it kind of goes with that idea that women want a man that they can change or fix.
Now, this could be the case with the guy. I have seen some of the messages he sends and read over his profile. And I can definitely tell you that he looks like a put together guy (not that it's a bad thing because it's not). I mean, his stuff is spelled and punctuated correctly and everything.
I know there are women out there who date guys who they can fix. And I am not just talking about a guy's fashion sense but rather their emotions. Sometimes even morals and values. I will confess that it's something I was guilty of when I was younger. It is also something that I learned a lot from.
And, I have to tell you that when it comes to having an actual real relationship, it just doesn't make sense to me.
When I was in college I used to date all the bad boys. I mean, half the guys I dated didn't even have a driver's license and it was usually from a DUI. I also dated more than my share of guys that were addicted to something. It was usually pain pills. I actually dated a guy who stole my parents credit card. Yeah, that was awesome. Then, of course, there was Mr. BST who was a total mess emotionally.
All these guys seems to need me on some level or I guess I thought the needed a girl like me. I thought they needed to be fixed. I thought I could fix them. Though technically, for me, I don't think it was really about fixing them, it was just nice to be needed. I mean who doesn't like the feeling of being needed?
Here's the thing though, situations like that never work and that's not the reason you should ever want to date someone. Don't get me wrong here, I am not saying if your significant other gets into trouble that you shouldn't help them because clearly you should. I am just saying the trouble a guy is experiencing shouldn't fuel your desire to date him. And the satisfaction you get from a relationship shouldn't be from fixing a person. That's just a recipe for disaster.
Eventually I grew up a little and realized that those types of relationships do more harm to me than anything. Honestly, they do more harm than any satisfaction from helping anyone could ever undo. It's exhausting a and mentally draining. And down right pointless.
Clearly I know that there is always room for growth and with growth sometimes comes a little change. However, that's totally different from someone who needs to be fixed. I also know that people usually come with some kind of baggage . After all, we have all had painful break ups and many people have experienced other types of tragedies. Those are things that will always be a part of you but it's a totally different story if you are leading some kind of destructive lifestyle.
I know that relationships are not an exact science and there will always be things that you have to work through. I am just saying I want a guy who has his shit together. And when I say "has his shit together" I don't necessarily mean a guy who has a great job and makes lots of money. Though, he should be employed unless he has a good reason (like the crappy economy). No, I mean everything.
Call me crazy but I don't want to waste my time fixing a guy. I would much rather spend my time with a great guy who is already put together.