A couple of nights ago, I was enjoying a few moments of couch time when I received a text. I looked at my phone to see who it was from and I was a little shocked. The text read "hey what's up it's Mr. BST." It took a few minutes to actually sink in and, honestly, I'm not sure if I can pinpoint what I felt at that very moment. Anger. Frustration. Sadness. Curiosity. Far too many emotions.
Mr. BST was my first love. I guess you could call him my ex though I have to use that term pretty loosely here because I'm not really sure what he is or ever was. But the important thing to know here is that somewhere in whatever we were (or weren't) doing we fell in love. Utterly, madly, hopelessly in love.
I met Mr. BST seven or eight years ago and I haven't talked to him since February. We've tried so many variables of a relationship and none of them have seemed to really work right. He ended up finding a girlfriend but seemed to still want me (read that as still wanted to have sex with me) so I thought it was best to end all communication with him. I mean I was serious here. I changed my e-mail address, deleted him from Facebook, blocked his number on my cell phone and blocked his screename on AOL Instant Messenger. That's how serious I was about truly letting him go.
It was one of the hardest things I've ever done because there was a time when I trusted him with everything and would have give him anything. I haven't really mentioned much about Mr. BST up until now because, honestly, he is the one guy that I can't bring myself to really write about. There are no sarcastic or witty remarks to be said, it is what it is and what happened, happened.
Now, I am sure you are wondering how Mr. BST came to contact me with all of my clever attempts to shut him out. Well, I can admit it was partial stupidity on my part. Changing your cell number is a whole lot of hassle that, frankly, I did not want to deal with. Thankfully, there is this handy feature online where all you have to do is put a in a number and it blocks it (thank you Verizon Wireless). Unfortunately you can only block numbers for a certain amount of time and then you have to repeat the process all over again. Well apparently that time ended and it completely slipped my mind so his number was no longer blocked and it's obvious where this is going.
So, he sent me a text. And like any normal stalker curious woman, I wanted to know his relationship status so I looked for him on Facebook. Sure enough, there he was with her all happy and smiling in his profile picture. Obviously still together. Except this time, one thing had changed. Instead of seeing in a relationship, I saw engaged to. That's right, Mr. BST is now engaged.
Seeing that in black and white (or whatever color the writing is on Facebook) struck emotions that I haven't felt in a really long time. I was angry and sad. I was heart broken. And it's not a case of still wanting to be with Mr. BST, which is the very incredibly weird part of all of this. If he could be the man I want him to be then we could be together, but he is not and I am no fool. I know that you can't change people and all the other words of wisdom anyone has ever said about this type of situation. I get it, I truly do.
Part of me feels angry at myself because I know I am an incredibly strong woman and I believe that it seems foolish to let it affect me in any real way. I mean people get engaged all the time and I have openly admitted that I know he is not the guy for me. But the fact of the matter is things happen. Life happens. And sometimes you feel things that you can't explain. In fact, some of the most amazing emotions in the world just sort of happen. So it seems just as foolish to beat myself up for feeling something.
I am not sure if I really know where any of the emotions came from. Though, frankly, it sucks to find out that he loves someone more than he ever loved me. And maybe it's not really a case of loving her more but just loving her differently. But, honestly, I am not sure how much better that makes me feel.
Now, here is the part where I have to confess because I did something really stupid. When it comes to certain guys, I binge in a very unhealthy way. He is one of those guys. In fact, that is why I blocked him from every means of communication possible because I knew that I would continue to binge and I knew he couldn't contribute to it my life in any sort of healthy way.
So, I made an idiotic move and I answered his text...