Things you should never say to a woman during sex

Last Saturday I went out with one of my favorite gal pals. It was one of those nights where we hadn’t planned on staying out that late. In fact I think we were on our last drink around midnight and somehow that turned into 3AM.

Just before leaving the bar, I decided invite a guy friend over to my place. By friend I mean a guy I have hung out with a little and messed around with a lot. In my drunken haze it seemed like a genius idea. Though, I mean who am I kidding? Even if I had been completely sober it would have seemed like a great idea. Our romps had always been fun before (that is, up until Saturday night).

Now, before I go any further, this post is really not about bad sex per se. I genuinely believe that sex is a private matter and while I do share bits of it here I am not out to embarrass or make fun of anyone. That to me just seems mean spirited and that’s not my style. The point of this post is what happened which I feel was just wrong and, frankly, a little immature on his part.

On to the story. He came over to my place. We started kissing and fooling around. Then he asked if I wanted to have sex (I am omitting his exact words). I said I did and we started.

A little while into it and things weren’t going well. Actually things were just plain awful. We tried a few different things but for some reason it just didn’t seem to be working. I really didn’t think it was a big deal. I mean this was the first time we were having sex and it’s not like we had been at it for hours or something. In other words, there were plenty of things we could still try before totally giving up.

So we kept going and trying to make it work. He kept stopping to get a better “angle” (his words, not mine). And then we would start again. Then, as he stopped once again to get a better “angle” he said:

“I am sorry I am just not used to doing this with girls with big thighs.”

I was mortified. I mean I know I am a not a small girl. But we have messed around enough for the size of my thighs to not really be a shocker. Plus, I mean I don’t think they are the size of Texas or anything.

I am pretty sure he saw the look of complete and utter humiliation on my face because then he said:

“Big thighs are a really good thing though.”

Yeah, nice recovery but not really. I don’t think there is really any recovering after that. I mean, could a guy recover if I made an insulting comment about the size of his penis? Probably not. 

I couldn’t recover after that point so I pretty much told him to stop. And he left a little bit later.

Now, I am not a woman who needs a guy to stroke my ego the entire time we are doing it. But hearing positive things – like how I am sexy or if I doing something right – are never unwelcomed during the act. And sometimes those kinds of things make me get a little more into it, which clearly works in everyone’s favor. I think that’s a pretty normal thing.

I have replayed this situation over and over in my head. I would like to say that his comment just rolled off my shoulders, but as a woman who was once a whole lot bigger than I am now my body is something that I am conscious of sometimes. It’s not that I am losing any sleep over it or anything. But when you have it put to you like that, as a reason that a guy can’t perform sex as well as he normally can, I think it’s pretty understandable why it might bother me.

The more I think about it, it kind of makes me wonder if he felt his “manhood” was insulted or something. You know, that whole idea that a guy should know what he’s doing in the bedroom and should be able to please a woman. So maybe blaming (and insulting) me was just his defense. But honestly the idea that he wasn’t being a real man wasn’t something I even thought of. That’s not really something I would ever think of actually. The fact of the matter is we have all had awkward sex before and there are so many reasons for that to happen.

Sometimes it’s just because you are with someone new and you have to figure out how you both fit together. Everyone likes different things, so honestly if a guy knows exactly what I like the second that we start doing it I might be a little worried. I mean you have to work with foreplay a little. Sex is no different.

Sometimes it’s just because you don’t have that kind of awesome chemistry in the bedroom. Sure, it doesn’t make sense when you are totally attracted to a person and then you start fooling around and there is nothing. But it happens. And it really has nothing to do with anyone’s manhood or talents. Actually you both could be incredibly talented in that area but you just aren’t good together.

Then of course there is the fact that maybe one of you (or both of you) just isn’t that good in the sack. Though often times that’s a matter of perception because we all like what we like when it comes to sex. So what I think is good might be terrible to another person and vice versa. But even then I still think you give it your best and try to make it an enjoyable experience.

Honestly, I think in any situation where there is bad sex that you should try to do something. And I know this was just a sex buddies kind of situation. But even in that case, shouldn’t you still want to try to give it your best effort to make it work?

And no, I am not saying that only the guy should be doing something here. I am talking about both parties involved. You both have to try and work at it. You both have to do something to make it enjoyable. You have to do anything other than blaming it on the size of a woman’s thighs (or anything else that will insult the other person). Because honestly at that moment, nothing could have killed the mood faster for me.

And without the comment about my thighs, this situation could have had a totally different outcome.

12 comments on “Things you should never say to a woman during sex

  1. Sounds like this guy's body just wasn't cooperating with him, and blaming 'the angle' was his only way out of an awkward situation. Unfortunately, it only landed him further into more awkwardness. Either that, or he really enjoys the taste of his own foot during sex! What a dipstick. I bet he's never going to be able to look you in the eye again without feeling like a total and complete ass. And big thighs rule, hot momma! Who the heck wants an already picked over bone? ;D

  2. What a jack*ass! I've experienced similar situations and have found guys to be fairly decent at coming up with the excuses (jeez, 3am alone isn't enough?) Stress, new place, new person, long day, dog staring at me. For crying out loud, it's not hard to come up with a good one!
    And yes, I suppose a comment about big thighs could be merely a logistical issue to him. But really, any dude that doesn't know that he might offend a woman with that comment doesn't know much about the opposite sex.

  3. @Michele I completely agree with you. His comments about the angle thing only made the whole thing more awkward. I am not planning on seeing him again. So let's hope :) And I love your comment at the end. Big thighs totally rule!

  4. @RL Exactly!! I mean there is a part of me that wants to believe he wasn't really being cruel. And I guess in that moment he wasn't totally thinking straight. But come on, I mean anyone should know that's something you just don't say! Thanks for the comment!

  5. OH MY!

    I add my two cents to the "this is awkward so I'm just gonna give a reason why" pot. Yep. First time sex is awkward. Just is. Lots of reasons for it – least of all new partner. And, yeah, I'd agree that his own insecurity that the awkwardness MIGHT BE reflecting on him meant he had to give some reason why it WASN'T him… but I don't think he meant it maliciously. YES our gut reaction as women is "what a jerk!" but that's because so many of us have body issues, we really sensitive to these kind of comments, period. So… his insecurity may have lead to inadvertent attack on yours/ours… because, duh, we can TOTALLY relate.

    I think we should just accept sex can be awkward and we're all very vulnerable in it. And yeah, you just may not have sexual compatibility. No reason to worry about nit-picking each as to why. Or maybe you just had an awkward first time. Again, no reason to find blame than isn't constructive.

    Jess – Cheers to you for overcoming this comment (because we all know – yeeouch!) to look at it more deeply, and I hope to not take it on yourself! Bravo! :D

  6. @Nikki I think you are so right, my gut reaction was to think what a jerk, because I feel like anyone should know that you just don't say things like that. And I feel like it would be one thing if I had said something to insult him or if I was blaming him for the fact that the sex wasn't going well, but I wasn't.

    I will admit that at first the comment shook me a little. But I really don't think it was about me, just his own securities that he let get to him. Still not a cool comment to make but I shouldn't feel bad about myself because of it. And really, even if he was being totally honest and trying to be mean. He is ONE guy with ONE opinion. Not everyone will like how I look. That's just a part of life.

    Thanks for the awesome comment :)

  7. No friggin way. Classic defensive comment. He was feeling puny, so he projected his own feelings of inadequacy onto you. That said, I think that even if he hadn't said that comment, things would have eventually ended up in the same place – just not a fit. Thankfully his comment saved you some time and energy. I know first time's can be awkward, but I also think that sometimes we use "first time" as a cover for not sexually compatible. I just had this experience with a recent ex boyfriend. Our first few times in the sack weren't great – fumbly and frustrating – but I wrote it off as "early." Sex only got marginally better after that, and we eventually broke up for the same reason.

  8. @Cougel You know, I think you bring up an interesting point. I wonder if we do use the whole first time as a cover up or maybe it's just that we are genuinely hoping it will get better. Maybe it's the things we tell ourselves so we can continue to date the person we like. I also think there is this idea that we can work on the sex thing with out significant other. Try new things. Make it better. But there are definitely those people that we just aren't compatible with and maybe that's the reason for all the fumbles. Thanks for the comment!

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