What does it mean to be over your ex?

So what’s it mean to be over your ex? You’ll never know how much that whole idea can be challenged until you find out the ex you thought would never get married is married. I am a tough girl. Very few things break me but when I saw that Mr. BST was officially married I cried harder than I have in a really long time.

And yeah, you would think I would have learned my lesson with all my Google stalking before. But I guess I really just needed to know if it actually happened. It didn’t seem real unless I knew. 

And I have spent the greater part of the past week just thinking about everything.

I wonder why he didn’t just let me go. I mean if he wanted to be with her why did he continue to try to be with me? Why did he stick around in the background and pop up every now and then? Why not just be with her?

None of it makes any sense to me but I am not sure if I am really any better. I didn’t let him go until I had to. Actually, in some ways I think I am still working on that.

I have always blamed him for everything that went wrong. Everything that could have been but wasn’t. I blamed him. And I am not sure if that’s right.

I’m not condoning anything he did or didn’t do here. I know he was a jerk. I know he didn’t treat me well. But I have to admit my part in all of it too. I wasn’t perfect either.

I remember one time when I first moved to Chicago and I was with my friends. I was drunk and I decided to send him an IM and tell him I loved him. He said it back and his comments that followed made it seem like he had been waiting to tell me forever. I really think he felt that for me. I don’t know why I told him. It wasn’t really that I didn’t love him but I wasn’t sure if I did either. And telling him was wrong.

Then there was also the time that I was out with my friends. I was sitting at the bar and just looking around and thinking. I sent him a text to tell him that he wasn’t even close to the same caliber of people I knew. I have no idea why I did it. That’s not even like me. It was uncalled for. It was cruel.

Then there is every time he has sent me a text and I have answered. I didn’t have to answer but I did. And, of course, there are all the times that I’ve sent him a text. I could have stopped myself at any point but I never did. I said things to him I shouldn’t have. I crossed the line on far more occasions than I should have.

I did it all because I didn’t want to let go. I didn’t want to let go of him. I thought I did. I thought I was doing everything to let go but now I know I wasn’t.

The fact of the matter is that Mr. BST has always been in the background. Even if we weren’t talking. Even if we pretended to hate each other.  Even when I was pushing him away. He’s been there. Just kind of sitting there silently. And I always knew that if I called him or sent him a text we would pick up right where we left off. There was still a part of me that always wanted to talk to him when something good or bad happened. 

That’s the way it always was. The last time I saw him nearly three years had passed since we had been together but it was like nothing changed. We laughed the same. We kissed the same. We touched each other the same.

There was something between the two of us. This undeniable connection. It was magnetic.  It’s the way we have always been together. And no matter how much I thought I was letting him go that’s just the kind of thing that you can’t stop. 

I thought that would never go away. I never imagined him ever having that with another woman. And it still seems weird that he does. I thought Mr. BST would always love me. Even if it was in the most screwed up backwards kind of way.

But while I was thinking all of that Mr. BST was planning a life with someone else. He was picking out things to put on their wedding registry. Things that would go in the home they were planning together. He was planning a wedding and picking out a suit. He was picking out a suit that he would wear as he was waiting at the end of the isle for her. 

I have no idea what their relationship is like and I am really not sure if I want to know. I also will never know what might have happened if I had just forgiven him for everything. I’ll never know if he would have treated me any better the second time around.

But what I do know is seeing her name with his last name hurt more than I ever thought anything could hurt. I have no idea why it hurts but it does and I can’t help that. And I also know that I don’t regret the choices that I made. I know I deserve to be treated better than he ever treated me.

They say that you know you are over your ex when you are happy for the things that happen to them. I am not sure if I believe that because I think sometimes things that happen hurt too much for you to feel happy.

I would never wish anything bad on Mr. BST. And I genuinely hope that he is happy and they both have a great life together. But it still hurts.

Looking at their wedding picture was almost surreal to me. But the weird part is Mr. BST didn’t look the same to me anymore. He no longer looked like the guy that I was once so madly in love with. Maybe that’s the start of actually letting him go. 

Mr. BST gets a wife and I get New York. And I think maybe that’s how it was meant to be.

15 comments on “What does it mean to be over your ex?

  1. So I guess I've experienced a lot of this from the male point of view,though not exactly the same. Jess, you told me to read this and I'm glad I did because I understand better what you have been dealing with. You already know my story and how hard its been. The similarity is that my ex-wife may indeed be heading down the isle with someone else. Unlike others who have posted on here and had their S.O's cheat on them or go behind their back, I never did any of that, and yet I'm divorced and still in a bunch of pain 2 years later.

    Anyway Jess, I know you know all this about me already. I just posted for others who may think that men don't go through similar things. Oh, and I agree with Roxanne who said that you don't have to be happy for your ex to be over them. I'm certainly not happy for mine, but then again I'm not over her either, so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about…

  2. "Mr. BST gets a wife and I get New York." YES. THAT IT IS HOW IT IS MEANT TO BE.

    You know, I've read enough posts on this, and, more importantly, talked enough friends through this. Yes, THIS. THIS RIGHT HERE. This "s/he's a fucktard asshat who treats me like shit, is kind of crazy, is with someone else who s/he can't pooooooooooosibly care about as much as me but is with anyway, manipulates the fuck out of me buuuuuuuut… we have this *connection* and it won't go away and it will never go away and *this person* will just always be there because *this person* just GETS ME."

    Sometimes – isn't hearing "you're not the only one" not helpful, but more like salt in the wound? Yeah, I know – but it's still true. And these stories always end the same.

    Um. Honestly? Have we ever sat down and just thought "No." No no NO. This person is a fucktard asshat who treats me like shit and is crazy and is treating this other person that they are with like shit too for even contacting me is never honest and manipulates the situation whenever possible THEREFORE THERE IS NO CONNECTION. Because I CHOOSE NOT TO ALLOW these kind of people to be in my life – at the forefront OR in the background.

    YES I understand how painful and horrible such a statement is – the one that DENIES that connection that feels SO AMAZING. BUT YOU HAVE TO END THIS SOMEWHERE – and you just have to trust me that ending that connection? HAS TO COME FROM YOU. Because here is another really fucking difficult and shitty thing to hear: YOU are the only one who feels it. Or, if it's easier to deal with, YOU are the only one who RESPECTS it and CHERISHES it – therefore it does NOTHING GOOD. In reality, it doesn't actually matter if the other person feels it or not. Period.

    Let it go. Go go go go GO. Yes, again. And again and again and again – because this will never be something healthy, and ending that heartbreak is UP TO US. The other person is never going to help out. Trust me on that one.

    I know I am on a high horse now. I know I am not in your shoes (I also know I've gone on too long on this). But I have been there. The only way all that ended? The only way I found clarity? Was with time and no contact and telling myself these things over and over and over again.

    Be strong, Jess. Hell, woman. You are brave and beautiful and you know how to treat people. And you have New York. One day you will see this differently, but you have to start treating it differently first.

  3. @Nikki You know, my dear, this is absolutely what I needed to hear. I have never been a fan of sugar coating things. I dont like the whole oh he really loves you but just is confused thing. I also dont like the hes a jerk so move on thing. Yes, the stuff that you are saying is hard to hear but you are 100% right. Absolutely. And I appreciate that far more than anything.

    The funny thing is that much of what you have said in this comment are all the things I have told myself for the pastI dont know how many months/years. Its all the stuff that I believe. Its the stuff that helped me to end it many years ago. Its all the stuff that helped me to say no to him when he would come back to me and try to be with me.

    Its just somehow I lost all of it or maybe I didnt fully believe it I just thought that I did. For some reason I became sentimental and I started to think about all the good and not enough of the bad.

    I think I was only half of the way there. So now I am going to work on fully getting there. I am not going to say that I am going to magically get over all of it but I feel like I am in a different place with it all.

    Thank you for this comment. Really. From the bottom of my heart. I think its what I wanted/needed to hear.

  4. Wow! Can I just say that I have been in a very similar situation with a man in my life. He isn't married but got back together with an ex-girlfriend last fall. About every two months, I hear from him. Whether its a text or an IM on FB. For a good few weeks this spring, I was hearing from him almost every day via text. I was a bit confused and thought maybe they had broken up, but I was a little nervous to ask, and he never brought her up. The banter turned sexual at one point and stopped shortly thereafter. I found out they are still together through photos he posted recently of the two of them showing up on my FB newsfeed.

    I always felt like there was some deep connection or chemistry between us, but I knew I was never in love with him. I really don't feel as though he was or is in love with me either. I have finally reached the point where I know I need to move on and not overanalyze why he tries keeping me around. I'd rather find someone who is consistent enough to where I don't need proof he cares or wants anything from me or with me.

  5. @Klaud That sounds so much like my situation with Mr. BST. Ever since he's met this girl he's still been contacting me. I have ignored it some but not as much as I should. In the beginning he started with the whole I am not sure if I want to be with her and I might want to be with you thing and things also turned into a little sexual banter. I know I shouldn't have and I stopped it but he would still try. Then it got to the point where he would contact me and say he wasn't happy with her. He even told me they broke up several times and that he wasn't ready for marriage and so on. Including like a month before they got married. I am pretty sure it was all BS.

    Luckily I am not friends with him on Facebook. I couldn't do that to myself. I haven't been smart about a lot of things but I am thankful that I didn't go there.

    I think it's awesome that you realized that and I think it's finally hitting me that I will probably never understand all this with Mr. BST. But it's also hitting me that I don't think I need to know. Like you, I want something consistent. Thank you for the comment and for sharing.

  6. I don't know if you've checked out my blog but although we are at different places in life, we share some issues. I truly feel I am over the love for my Ex but even so, his wedding day in two weeks may prove to be a weird day for me (especially since I've got to send my kids there and have them come home having witnessed it and been a part of it). Still, in the end 'He'll Be Married, I'll Be Free." So girl, take New York. It has and will always have more to offer you than the guy who made you cry.

  7. And one more thing. You don't have to be happy for someone to be over them in my opinion. That happens in some relationships and in some relationships it happens after a very long time and in some relationships it never happens. Really, it is being happy about or at least okay with never being with this person again. You don't have to celebrate his life choices, just get on with your own.

  8. @Roxanne I have checked out your blog some since we started interacting a little on Twitter. We do share some issues (and thanks for reassuring me I am not alone). I would think it would be really hard to have kids in the mix. And definitely hard to have contact with anyone that was a part of the wedding. But I love what you said in the ending, I never thought about being free and though it's different from you I think that's really true. Thanks for bringing that to my attention. And, New York will definitely have much more than a guy who made me cry. Thank you so much for the comment.

  9. @Roxanne…I also love what you said and how you said it!

    I have a Chinese proverb hanging in my place which reads, "Nothing can bring you peace but yourself." I'm really trying to take the statement to heart. :)

    @Jess-Good luck with New York and with all life has to offer from here on out!

  10. @Roxanne Thank you (again). I constantly here that saying " you know you are over your ex when you're happy for them" I've never understood why you have to be happy for them to be over them. And if you can't be happy does that mean you aren't? Yeah, don't get it. You are so right — I have to just get on with my own.

    @Klaud I love that proverb. I think I am going to use that as my motto. Thanks for sharing it. And thanks for the good luck. I am sure you will get to hear about my adventures because I will still be writing about them all :)

  11. @Nikki…your words make me cry my eyes out here…
    I'm in the same shoes as Jess…( @Jess, I'm the one who wrote on your FB wall the other day that ME too have just googled my ex to found out he's getting married. :P)
    It has been too long…and Its really time to let go…and the only one who can end this is ME…nobody else can help me out of this deep dark hole of self destruction…no one else BUT ME..

    gosh English is not my mother tongue…and there r so many things I wanna share to you girls but I just cant put it in words here…I guess all I can say now is THANK YOU, Nikki & Jess…Girls, U ROCKS!!

    oxox

  12. @Ally I am glad you made it over here to comment too! It's harder letting go than I thought it would be. I mean for so long I thought I was letting go and I was working so hard to be free from him. But then the marriage. It hit me a lot harder than I ever expected.

    But I am doing better and I have realized so much — it's in my next post :)

    And you are so welcome! That's what we are all here. Blogging is kind of like a little support system. Thank you for reading and for sharing.

  13. This sounds so very similar. I'm sorry…I recognize the hurt you're going through, and the loss you feel. XX

    In the last couple weeks, I found out my ex who had just disappeared randomly a couple months ago had an ad on Match that made him sound like a person I didn't even recognize. It made me question if I really knew him. It also made me made that being tied up with the back-and-forth with him for four years was time wasted…

    I always thought this had been for a reason, that perhaps we were meant to be together and timing would make it work out right in the end…After all, that's what happened to my old FWB (I was the one who wanted more) who announced this past week that he was engaged to his own on-again off-again girlfriend. Just a few months ago, he was saying, they broke it off again because they had nothing in common, wanted different things, etc. Finally, they both admitted they really were in love to themselves and to each other, and he surprised himself by popping the question.

    I think I really am happy for the confused man that he is (I've been predicting this to his face for more than a year now)..But I would not say I am happy for my *ex*. I don't think being thrilled for an ex moving on is a prerequisite for being over him. Being at peace with you and knowing you're still an amazing person who has a wonderful life anyway, even without him…that's what counts.

  14. Thanks Solo. I'm sorry you have had to deal with it too. Your story sounds so similar to mine. It's hard and there are so many questions. I don't think I knew the real him or maybe I did at one time but maybe I don't anymore. He's changed. So have I. More than anything I have learned a ton and I feel like I am coming out on the other side. Braver. Stronger.

    It's true. Being at peace is what counts. Thanks for the awesome comment and for sharing.

  15. @Jeff – I genuinely believe that men go through lots of similar things that women do and a lot of my readers do as well. So thank you for posting to show that. We all deal with pain and struggles when exes are involved. I thought I was more over mine than I really was. Sometimes you might be surprised at how you actually feel when things happen. You're handling it better than you know. You just don't give yourself credit.

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